Denim Jeans – they're the universal
pants. Everyone wears jeans because they say, “hey, I'm cool, and
casual” But sometimes jeans betray us. They turn out to be the
opposite of cool: lame.
I don't try to pretend to know much
about fashion. In my journeys I have seen some inappropriate attire:
the hipster I saw in London wearing a marching band jacket and zubaz,
adult men in bow ties, and adult men in fedoras. However, I don't
think there’s anything worse than a pair of embarrassing jeans.
Here are the worst jeans you can wear.
JNCO Jeans
JNCO Jeans were popular at some point
in the 90's when many young men were either trying to become
skateboarders or trying to disappoint their parents. The problem with
these is they're hardly pants at all. They're like two dresses
connected together to be placed in each leg. JNCO Jeans quickly faded
out of popularity, but there seems to be an urge
to bring them back. Unless you're planning to be an extra on the
set of Clueless, there's no reason to wear these.
Elastic Jeans
I used to wear elastic jeans. But then
I turned four, and stopped shitting myself. Why would anyone bring
this style back? What's so hard about a zipper and a button? In
recent years I've seen a huge surge in pants that are trying harder
and harder to become sweat pants. That's great. Another thing to make
Americans look lazy and have the rest of the world hate us.
Jay Leno
Lots of people don't know this but
before he became host of TheTonight
Show in 1993, Jay Leno was several pairs of dungarees that
someone left in an apartment in Anaheim in 1972. The jeans merged
together and became sentient. They soon started performing stand-up
and the rest is history. Even by casual standards Leno decided that
The Tonight Show
wasn't enough: he had to wear denim all the time. If you look hard
enough at tapes of his monologue you can see the denim spilling out
of his suit, begging to be free.
Jorts
Well what can I say about jorts that
haven't already been said? They're pretty much the most widely known
abomination in men's fashion for obvious reasons. Jean shorts exist
purely to be ridiculed. There's been lots of debate recently as to
when and where it's acceptable to wear jean shorts. Here's the
answer: never. It is never OK to wear jean shorts in public. Unless,
of course, you are a never-nude.
Kirkland Brand Jeans
There's some level of depravity around
buying jeans from a grocery store. Sure, we all love Costco
Rotisserie Chicken, but pants? The convenience of buying pants
at Costco is disturbing for many reasons mostly because there's
discount outlets like TJ Maxx and Marshall's in most towns, and most
metro areas have affordable and accessible thrift stores.
Essentially, if you're really in need, lots of charities provide
clothes. So what brings a person to choose to purchase Kirkland brand
jeans? What have you done in your past that is so shameful that you
can only wear Kirkland brand jeans moving forward? I hope that you
can find some healing in your future, and please, stop buying pants
from grocery stores.
Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York are often cited by people as their favorite Christmas movies. I hate these movies because they're about a privileged little sociopath who causes his family an eternity of grief because he won't eat anything besides cheese pizza.
I hate the whole McAllister family actually. Just look at them:
From left to right: Curley Sue, Susan Boyle, Older Pete from Pete & Pete, Cousin It, Biff from Back to the Future (right?), Some Bald Pedophile looking dude, and a bunch of other pale mutants and Macauley Culkin... disgusting.
A bunch of upper middle class brats the McAllister family was. I hope they lost all their fortunes in the recession and are forced to live on the REAL streets of New York and South Side Chicago where they're forced to join gangs and kill each other to survive. That'd be a great movie.
Anyway... The real best Christmas movie is so clearly: Jingle All the Way
"A holiday classic for the whole family to enjoy!" - Brian Lupo
Here are at least three things that Jingle All the Way has that the Home Alone movies don't have:
1) Arnold Schwarzenegger
2) Sinbad
3) Chris Parnell (small cameo as a toy store employee)
The film stars Arnold as Howard Langston, a loving, hard-working father who searches far and wide to get his son Jamie a Turboman action figure for Christmas. This film was made pre-internet, so the likelihood of Howard being able to order the toy online wasn't as feasible. As the holiday season winds down, Howard has got to get a Turboman for Jamie - but they can't seem to be found anywhere.
While scouring the Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area for a Turboman doll, Howard comes in contact with the nefarious mailman Myron Larabee, played by the dynamic character actor... Sinbad.
It's a true injustice that Sinbad was not recognized by the Academy for his groundbreaking performance.
Crazy antics ensue and Howard must seize the day by becoming Turboman at the Christmas parade and stop Myron from stealing the last available Turboman doll for Jamie.
Now let me ask you: Which movie would you rather see?
A Christmas movie about a pale little brat who terrorizes adults and doesn't think to call the airline that his parents are flying on to let them know he's safe?
or...
A Christmas movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger who goes to any odd to get his child the toy he deserves for Christmas.
Think about it. If you hate Macauley Culkin's pale shit eating face as much as I do, I know you'll make the right decision this holiday season.
As 2013 wraps up I decided to do something a little bit different than last year. Sure, there's plenty of shitty people who deserve to be on the "Worst of 2013" list. George Zimmerman, Bashar al-Assad, and Ted Cruz come to mind. But I wanted to talk about some polarizing figures who were the best in some aspects, but also the worst in others. People, who for better and for worse, shaped the outcome of what the year has been.
5.) David Ortiz
The Good: David Ortiz continued to be the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox this year by posting a heroic .688 (Six eighty eight!!!) batting average in the World Series, leading the Sox to another title, and winning the World Series MVP. During the regular season he was no slouch either, putting up a .309 average with 30 home runs and 103 RBIs. With over a decade in Boston blasting home runs and being a part of three World Series teams, it could be Ortiz who finally stripped the Red Sox of their lamented curse of missing the World Series title for 86 years.
The Bad: Ortiz did steroids just like every body else. Sure he may not have been taking them this year, but when he got caught in 2009 for failing a drug test in 2003 he kind of didn't own up to it at all. Now, I don't really care anymore that he was taking steroids, it's pretty clear every Major League all-star was on them at one point or another in the last few decades. But it sets a bad example when MLB has a vendetta against Alex Rodriguez for steroid use, the same season they give Ortiz a World Series MVP. Let's try to be a bit more objective next World Series...
4.) Jennifer Lawrence
The Good: Well where to begin. Everybody really loves Jennifer Lawrence, including myself. Beautiful, charming, funny, down-to-earth, talented, young, sprightly, etc. I can run the gamut of adjectives to describe how awesome she is. On top of that she's already won an Oscar, been nominated for two, and will probably be nominated for another for her upcoming appearance in "American Hustle"; and she's only 23. Wow.
The Bad: This isn't really any fault of her own but if you search Reddit, Twitter, Tumblr - she's pretty much the only thing anybody is talking about. She's a classic already: Men want her, and women want to be her. But in this day in age, that may not be a good thing. Because she's so down-to-earth, shes' giving a ton of false hope to aspiring actors/actresses, and dudes who think they actually have a shot with her (if you're a dude, and you think you have a shot at dating Jennifer Lawrence - you need psychiatric help immediately). All will be forgiven if Lawrence puts on a press conference and flat out says, "Girls - you'll never be like me. Guys - don't bother, it's not going to happen."
3.) President Obama
"Mehhhhh" - President Obama
The Good: Despite what pundits and Fox News alarmists have been saying - millions of more Americans will have health insurance under Obamacare. So unless you have a fervent hatred for people with low incomes, this is of course a good thing for America. On top of that Obama has stood firm on the belief that the United States needs to assist the middle class before corporate interests.
The Bad: The NSA, civilian casualties in drone strikes, the almost war with Syria. On one hand Obama is working to make social justice more accessible in America, while at the same time diminishing the rights human rights of those abroad. It's sad and disappointing that someone who campaigned on "hope" is destroying the hope of so many international citizens.
2.) Kanye West
Ah.. yeah I don't know either.
The Good: Yeezus turned out to be a fantastic album. Critics loved it, and it even received a rave review from the recently deceased Lou Reed. So here's the thing: If you didn't like Yeezus, you don't know shit. Universally praised by critics and Lou Reed, the person who influenced every album you ever bought, I'd say Yeezus puts Kanye up there with some of the greatest MCs and producers in hip-hop history.
The Bad: My biggest problem with Kanye isn't the Kimye nonense or skirt wearing or generally douche-baggery. My biggest issue is Kanye's insistence that he is a "genius." Look - I love Kanye West's music. College Dropout was the first hip-hop album that I listened to religiously. I always give Kanye the benefit of the doubt when people jump on to attack him. But it's real hard to defend arrogance.
For example, I think Matt Stone and Trey Parker (two dudes who love to dig at Kanye) are actual creative geniuses. From South Park to Team America to Book of Mormon - all their work reflects comedic brilliance. However, if they came out and said "WE ARE CREATIVE GENIUSES" - I'd be so turned off that it'd be hard for me to follow their work. And this is the case with Kanye. I love his music, but it's hard for me to be a big fan because of how much he talks himself up. True, he may be a creative musical genius. He just needs to shut the fuck about about - because nobody wants to hear it.
1.) Pope Francis
The Good: The newly elected Pope Francis has won Time's Person of the Year for his commitment to the true tenets of Christianity: helping those in need, tolerance, and peace. He's gone as far as showing compassion for the LGBT community, assuring that there's a place in heaven for non-believers, and finally, and most importantly condemning trickle-down economics as hopeless for the non-wealthy. What a badass!
The Bad: Despite his best efforts at being Christ-like Pope Francis is still head of one of the most evil entity's of all time - The Catholic Church. While he has been supportive of practical solutions to combat sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, he still hasn't done enough.
While I support this Pope and am pleased with what he's done so far, he still needs to make up for centuries of abuse, neglect, corruption, oppression, etc.
Essentially, he won't be able to do that, but I'd like to see him try harder. Basically he'll have my stamp of approval when every living Catholic Priest child molester is rotting in jail for the rest of their sorry lives. You can start now, Pope. Good luck!
Earlier this week I posted a link to Facebook from the Huffington Post. The article was entitled "16 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Vegan" (however, when you get to the article it is re-titled "15 Vegan Celebrities Who've Given Up Animal Products For a Healthier Lifestyle" because the Huffington Post doesn't care about numbers or consistency).
Thank you Huffington Post. As if I didn't feel bad enough about my existence in the first place, I appreciate the reminder that celebrities have sacrificed much more than I have by not eating meat. One day I aspire to be just like Russel Brand.
Asshat.
I posted the link to my Facebook and said, "Someone needs to change this headline to '16 Smug Millionaires Whose Private Chef's Prepare Them Vegan Meals'"
I thought it was funny because all the people listed in the article are multi-millionaires and easily have access to some of the top vegan chef's in the world. So for these pompous, rich celebrities veganism isn't so much of a sacrifice as it is a curious experiment into a different diet that will help them keep weight off.
Most vegans and vegetarians would agree that most of these celebrities, save for a few, don't really give a shit about animal rights or environmental protection and are instead becoming vegan for health reasons or to make themselves look altruistic when really they could care less.
So you can imagine my pleasure/displeasure when it was announced Jay-Z is going vegan.
Yes, Jay-Z - crusader of animal rights and environmental preservation. This is the same dude who's latest album features lyrics like, "After that government cheese, we eating steak" and "Parades down Flatbush, confetti on my fur" (by the way these lyrics are from the same song).
Jay-Z pictured wearing a very practical and sensible fur hat
I don't know when veganism became the latest trend for celebrities, but it needs to end. Now, let me be clear - I don't have a problem with vegans/vegetarians. It's your body - you have the right to put into it what you want. I have a problem with two things: 1) celebrities taking up causes for their own public relations purposes 2) people being vegan/vegetarian for "health reasons"
Celebrities have often taken up causes for the sole purpose of getting public support. I don't understand what it is with celebrities and their causes. Sure, sometimes it's genuine. But when you have millions of dollars, you have to give back in some way. Or else you just look like an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, people who claim to be vegan or vegetarian and are doing it for "health" reasons are selfish idiots, losers, and cowards.
I appreciate vegans and vegetarians because I believe many of them are truly concerned about the horrors of factory farming and the environmental degradation it causes. So when I hear someone is cutting meat and dairy out of their diet for "health" reasons, I know they're just trying to make themselves look good. Most of the healthiest ranked diets contain servings of fish and lean meat like chicken, anyway. So really how healthy are these people trying to be?
Who cares? They're selfish idiots who want to add the vegan/vegetarian label to themselves so they can sound hip and cool like these dipshit celebrities.
Thousands of Jay-Z fans will be scrambling to grocery stores in the coming weeks, buying kale, tofu, soy beans, etc. They'll spend hours researching and preparing recipes that they never would have tried if Jay-Z didn't announce his breakthrough veganism. Sure, maybe it'll be good that people will be consuming less.
But do you know what Jay-Z is going to be doing? Sitting on his ass while his private chefs create vegan creations worth thousands of dollars per plate.
Ditch this bullshit. If you're going vegan, do it for the right reasons. Not for your "health" or because some celebrity is doing it. Do it because you give a shit, and if you don't, don't bother.
One of my English teacher's in high school once said something I'll never forget, "Words have meaning."
A minimal statement with a ton of punch. Nowadays people will exhaust all their thoughts just so to describe themselves. Some people find describing themselves difficult, other times people just suck.
Here are some things I hear frequently that are particularly irritating.
I'm a coffee addict!
My biggest problem with this statement is that it's already assumed. If you're a person - you drink coffee. Statistically, you probably drink it every day. I'm always surprised when I find out someone over 18 doesn't drink coffee.
We all understand the benefits of caffeine from coffee. The video below by the profound CPG Grey helps illustrate why coffee fucking rules.
Coffee. Coffee, Coffee, Coffee. It's delicious, gives you an instantaneous boost, and is widely available, accessible, and affordable. Because it's so important and ingrained in our society, drinking coffee is as much of a personality trait as wearing clothes and breathing oxygen.
The thing I hate is that when people say "I'm a coffee addict!" it's supposed to sound cute and quirky. It's not quirky. It can only be a quirk if it's weird and an unusual, and as I stated before, everyone drinks coffee.
Also don't say you're an "addict", okay? I know you think it's funny, but I guarantee there's some junkie out there loading up the syringe who wishes they had a coffee "addiction."
I listen to everything! (inspired by Maddox in this awesome article all the way back in 2000, and also referenced frequently by writers/comedians all over the internet)
Such an excellent stock photo.
This one usually appears as "I listen to everything besides (country, hip-hop, Indigenous Australian music, Seal, etc.)" However it appears, in any of it's form, it's always a terribly poor excuse as a way to describe what kind of music you listen to.
Oh, you listen to everything? That's cool, I'm sure you won't have any problem with this Scandinavian black metal band. Their music is focused on Satan and it sounds like people dying, but I'm sure you'll like it because you listen to everything.
Nobody listens to everything. There's usually only two scenarios when people say this:
1) They actual think they listen to "everything" because they consider "everything" to be all they've ever heard which usually only consists of MTV bullshit and other top 40 crap. Sometimes a couple of indie bands will be thrown in this mix for good measure, but don't count on it. These people suck.
2) They say they listen to "everything" but only because they fear that people will judge them by their taste in music (really, who cares?) so they use this as a convenient cop-out instead of just discussing what they've been listening to lately.
So in essence there are two scenarios: 1) You have bad taste 2) You're too much of a coward to admit what you really like.
Grow some balls people. Just admit what you like. It's all garbage anyway.
I'm such a nerd! (also inspired by Maddox and this spot-on Portlandia sketch)
Haha - No, you're not!
The audacity that some people have when they refer to themselves as a "nerd."
As the video posted above states: real nerds are ashamed to be called nerds.
It's one thing to be into nerdy stuff and say "Oh, I'm such a Simpsons nerd." But to straight up call yourself a nerd does such an injustice to real nerds every where.
Most people who call themselves nerds are not and were never socially ostracized. Similar to being a "coffee addict" it's just another buzz phrase that shitty people with no personalities use to describe themselves.
Oh yeah it's so nerdy and so socially unacceptable that you watched an entire series on Netflix. You really must be such a nerd. I bet you face discrimination and social rejection at school and work. Oh yeah that's right you totally don't because you're a hot girl!
I'm spiritual!
Someone performing yoga.. or witchcraft? Who cares.
Spiritualism actually comes from a newer religious movement in the 1800's - but I'm not talking about that.
Lots of young people nowadays will say that they're "spiritual" rather than "religious." It's a tired cliche and bad for so many reasons.
The problem is, once again, fear. Many young people are too afraid to admit to their religious family members that they're not religious. It's another convenient cop-out that people use to get out of saying what they really mean. So instead of just saying "Yeah, I'm not religious." they'll say something more along the lines of "Yeah.. ya know.. I'm like more spiritual."
What they're really saying should be: "I'm afraid of you, my family, because your support means everything to me. Also I challenge myself intellectually and somewhat hope there's a heaven so I can go there when I die and I also hope there's a hell for all the people I hate to go to."
That'd have a whole lot more substance than "I'm spiritual, hehe :)" Speaking of people doing things just for their family...
I can't live without my friends and family!
These people disgust me.
I hate this one so much because it literally says NOTHING about you as a person when you say "I love my friends & family."
You love your friends and family? That's strange. I thought you must have despised them and wanted to see them tortured and imprisoned. In fact most people I talk to actually hate their friends and family with a passion.
...
Of course you love your friends and family. And obviously I know there's tons of people with serious family issues who don't love their biological family, but in those cases those people usually consider their caregivers or good friends their real family anyway.
This is just another convenient way to say something with no real substance that you think describes you when in essence it just makes you like everybody else.
Also, why can't people disassociate themselves from their family and friends, even for a second? I have a great, supportive family and my friends are amazing and have always had my back. But at the end of the day, I'm my own person. I have autonomy over the decisions I make and how I live my life. My family and friends are beyond important; they mean the world to me. However, they aren't me. I'm my own person, and I like it that way. People need to stop using their family and friends as crutches for their own shallow, vapid lives.
Hi, I'm like totally addicted to coffee, I listen to everything as far as music (except country lol :) ), I'm such a nerd, I'm like really into spiritual stuff, and I just cannot live without my friends and family hehe
For many people the ability to relate to a film is a measurement of how great that film really is. There are tons of movies I've related to in the past, and it made the cinematic experience much better. There's been movies that I've watched and thought, "Wow that's cool. I should try that!" - this thought is not always good. Here are some movies that I've thought about recreating in real life. Thankfully I haven't. You'll see why now.
Fight Club
What I wanted to do: Start a fight club!
Fight Club, based on the book of the same name, is a story about a disillusioned man who finds solace in making soap and being mentally ill. The film stars Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. There's a handful of scenes where they just utterly beat the living shit out of each other. Probably the best thing about this movie is Jared Leto getting his ass kicked into oblivion. Too bad that can't happen in every movie Jared Leto is in. Shitty Jared Leto.
Who wouldn't want to kick this guys ass?
I wanted to start a fight club as a teenager to get out my aggression. I had friends, but often times felt isolated and alienated as we all feel sometimes in our uber-capitalist chauvinist society. By starting a fight club I could form bonds with people who wanted to get this aggression out as well.
The 'fight clubs' in the film are supposed to be a metaphor for the emptiness of late-20th century society. Brad Pitt's character states, "We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We
have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual
war. Our great depression is our lives." Without a great war or a great depression - you need to just beat the shit out of each other! Cause that's how this works, right?
Well too bad only two years after Fight Club was released, 9/11 happened. So we did have a great war. Nine years later in 2008 we also saw the financial crisis and recession, so yeah... we sort of have a great depression now also.
So after a while, I realized: I didn't need to start a fight club to get out my non-conformist aggression. More importantly I realized starting a fight club would be a very bad idea. I'd get hurt, and that would suck.
Goodfellas
What I wanted to do: Join the Mafia!
I've seen many movies and TV shows that romanticize organized crime, but none of them excited me as much as Goodfellas. Based on the true story of mafia associate, Henry Hill, Goodfellas portrays the life of a gangster as someone who can always get what they want. Which is of course, the whole point of everything.
I thought this was pretty badass. All you need to do is be a criminal, survive, and then if you REALLY need to rat out your friends, you could always join the witness protection program.
Then, I broke down all those things I stated above.
1) Being a Criminal - not a good idea! You could go to jail, you have to do immoral acts, you may have to kill. In other words - not exactly great.
2) Survive - as the movie shows, if you're in the mafia - people are always trying to kill you. I'd end up pretty fucking paranoid.
3) Witness Protection Program - sounds good. Until you find out you have to go to Montana or Wyoming or some shit like that. That's way worse than going to prison.
When it comes down to it, I think I really just wanted to celebrate my Italian American heritage. The fact that, like me, Henry Hill is part-Irish part-Italian also made me feel like I could be just like him. All I needed was some gangster friends and pounds and pounds of cocaine. But since I never aspired to have gangster friends, or sell cocaine, I kind of lost interest in these ideas all together. Oh well.
"Look guys, cocaine and guns. This 'mafia' stuff sure is fun and easy!"
Say Anything...
What I wanted to do: Win the affection of a girl by playing a boombox outside her window...? Yeah!
OK so this one is a little more specific than the other too, and something I actually fantasized about seriously. While being a member of the mafia or starting a fight club seemed far fetched, this idea really stuck out to me.
If you don't know the film Say Anything... it stars a young John Cusack as a recent high school gradute named Lloyd who is madly and deeply in love with the valedictorian, Diane Court. Lloyd isn't a prep - and his future is uncertain. Diane is going to college in England and he may never see her again, so he needs to spend time with her now. Or something like that. In any case, all you need to know is that by today's standards: Lloyd would be in prison for stalking.
He'd probably also receive a hefty fine from the fashion police for wearing those pants with that jacket.
So at a certain point in the film, when his love life seems uncertain, Lloyd shows up outside Diane's house - while she's in bed - and blasts Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" for the whole neighborhood to hear. This is the iconic scene that most people remember about this movie (it's also important to note that this isn't even what wins her affection. He basically just looks like a stalker.)
I thought this was so cool. I really thought this was the way to go, "YEAH, any girl I like, I'll just play a boombox outside their house. And play a love song. That'll work. It worked for John Cusack, dammit, it'll work for me."
I am so glad I never did this. I actually don't know anybody who ever did anything like this.
They need to make a movie "Say Anything 2013" and immediately after Lloyd serenades Diane via boombox the FBI pulls up in SWAT trucks. They throw Lloyd blindfolded into some van that transports him to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As he's being interrogated by federal agents he says things like, "I don't even know why I'm supposed to be here! I'm not a terrorist!"
Then one of the agents is like, "Oh yeah, if you're not a terrorist, than why are you wearing a trenchcoat?"
Lloyd says, "What?" and then another agent throws hot coffee in his face and he starts crying. Oh man, that'd be a great movie.
