Life is about one thing: always getting what you want. Even meek and peaceful folks have dreams of attaining their desires. I'm not necessarily referring to material possessions or goals, but when placed in a situation a human being will almost always desire the most convenient and pleasurable outcome. The forces of nature typically work against humans though. There's catastrophic natural disasters that are beyond our control. By catastrophic natural disaster I mean like a volcanic eruption or when you go into the one stall in the bathroom without toilet paper. Those things are terrible. Here are some situations where I will analyze what could go wrong or what could go well.
Restaurants
Nightmare Scenario: You go to a restaurant - alone. You must wait an eternity to be seated (an eternity in restaurant wait times is 38 minutes). You are seated next to these cantankerous heifers with loud children who are making indecipherable gibberish noises. You sit, alone, trying to decipher the children's gibberish only to realize they're talking about you! Yes, you. They hate you. They hate that they're sitting next to you and they're bent on making your life a living hell.
You want to move but you figure you'll get served soon enough. A server comes to your table, notices your glass isn't filled, but doesn't do anything to get you water or anything. The server quickly tells you that they're out of everything you wish to order. The moment you decide to order something - another server trips and spills scolding hot vegetarian chili... on your genitals.
The vegetarian chili also contains fiery hot peppers so not only are your genitals scorched, they're stinging with intensity. You begin screaming and crying.
The children and the loud heifer parents see you writhing in pain and immediately begin laughing at you. Then, everyone at the restaurant starts laughing at you. Pointing and laughing - making you feel small. The restaurant goers then start taking pictures on their phones of you. You become an internet meme. "Burnt Chili Genitals Guy" - You're forced to live the rest of your life hiding with Steve Bartman. You disgrace your family's name, they disown you. You also never got to eat that meal you were hungry for.
Ideal Scenario: You get seated immediately next to a table of gorgeous women whom undoubtedly will be leaving the restaurant with you. The server approaches you and apologizes profusely for not serving you sooner. As soon as you tell the server that it's all right the owner of the restaurant comes out and offers you a smorgasbord of everything they have to offer. A full-feast of everything the world has to offer comes to your table and you are King. The gorgeous women push their table next to you and laugh at everything you say as they all agree not to eat any of your food as you must be hungrier, and deserve it more.
The owner of the restaurant assures you before you leave that you were the best costumer they've ever had. They agree to let you eat their for free - any time you want. You decline mostly because the food was sub-par and the amount of attractive women wasn't enough.
As you walk out the door, a family of cantankerous heifers and loud children on their iPhones are hit by a bus across the street. It's a great day. The women laugh and love you. You go home on a chariot made of gold. The world is yours.
Airports
Nightmare Scenario: You go and stand in line for an hour. Then - you get to stand in another line - for another hour. Following a set of six lines all leading up to what you think is an entry gate - you are sodomized by a TSA agent.
After walking away feeling violated, you go to the waiting area. You find out your plane is delayed, so you go to grab a magazine or a book. The only books available are home and gardening books. The only magazine available is Oprah's magazine. You decide to get a Cinnabon, but they got rid of that too and the only thing left to eat is raw carrots. They don't let you eat the carrots though you just get to chew and gnaw on them until you're finished. It's absolutely disgusting.
You're chewing on a disgusting raw carrot as a TSA agent watches you furiously to make sure you don't actually eat it. You then notice on the flight announcements that your flight isn't leaving for 22 months and that there's a layover in Azerbaijan even though you're only going to Florida.
You get stuck next to the fat guy to your left - and the fatter guy to your right. Your sandwiched between two hibernating bears.
The airline loses all your luggage and personal materials. You now have no identity and are a missing person in Azerbaijan. So you decide to just live there anonymously because it's not as bad as being at the airport.
Ideal Scenario: You get to cut everyone in line as the airline offers you some sort of premium deal that they only give to wealthy and famous people.
Before boarding your business class seat - you get to slap a TSA agent in the face. It's great.
You're seated next to Snoop Dogg and Kate Upton. You get to party with them. Kate Upton falls madly and deeply in love with you after getting to know you for 20 minutes. She weeps as you part ways at your destination.
And there you are, your very own paradise: Vancouver, British Colombia. A bastion of liberty and universal health care. The airline charges you nothing. You can fly with them whenever you want for free. Kate Upton proposes to you via SnapChat. You marry her and have children with her. They all have big boobs, including the boys.
Parties
Nightmare Scenario: You arrive at the party with a few friends. You start cracking open some beers, and you're ready to have a good time.
The party's quite crowded, so you shuffle around to find a good spot to hang out. As you shuffle through into a smaller room you notice out the corner of your eye the girl you're infatuated with.
She's there - her bright blue eyes filling you up inside.
You go to approach her.
The closer you get, the more your stomach fills up with butterflies.
As you go to wave out, "Hello!" -- she starts making out with her boyfriend.
...
As you turn around in complete defeat - the girl you shamefully hooked up with last weekend when you were black out drunk is right in front of you.
As you avoid that girl from last week the entire night you can't help but think what went wrong and you drown your sorrows in liquor till you black out and hook up with that girl again like a fucking idiot.
(This didn't really happen to me. Okay it did, but fuck you that was college. Goddamnit that sucked.)
Ideal Scenario: Base a party around the greatest Christmas film of all time, "Jingle All the Way" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Make sure that the film is playing in multiple rooms, on multiple screens, and is playing perpetually throughout the night. Have folks participate in a drinking game revolving the movie.
It might be good to do this around Christmas time, but really you could have this party any time of year.
There may be some people who aren't that into the movie, and just want to hang out.
Those people promptly get removed from the party - along with their associates. Nobody comes to this party without celebrating "Jingle All the Way."
I tried having a party like this last year. Some people wanted to just "drink" and "socialize."
What the hell is that? Who the hell wants to "socialize"? WE'RE HAVING A HOLIDAY VIEWING PARTY AND YOU'RE RUINING IT BY TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.
That's another thing - people who want to "make friends" as adults. If you're not satisfied with your friends by the time you've graduated college it's a sure sign that you need to join a religious cult. Those people are awesome, and they'll be your friends.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, "Jingle All the Way" - great movie. Go see it if you haven't.
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