Things From Classic Movies That I Really Wanted To Do, But Thankfully Never Did

For many people the ability to relate to a film is a measurement of how great that film really is. There are tons of movies I've related to in the past, and it made the cinematic experience much better. There's been movies that I've watched and thought, "Wow that's cool. I should try that!" - this thought is not always good. Here are some movies that I've thought about recreating in real life. Thankfully I haven't. You'll see why now.

Fight Club

What I wanted to do: Start a fight club!

Fight Club, based on the book of the same name, is a story about a disillusioned man who finds solace in making soap and being mentally ill. The film stars Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. There's a handful of scenes where they just utterly beat the living shit out of each other. Probably the best thing about this movie is Jared Leto getting his ass kicked into oblivion. Too bad that can't happen in every movie Jared Leto is in. Shitty Jared Leto.

Who wouldn't want to kick this guys ass?

I wanted to start a fight club as a teenager to get out my aggression.  I had friends, but often times felt isolated and alienated as we all feel sometimes in our uber-capitalist chauvinist society. By starting a fight club I could form bonds with people who wanted to get this aggression out as well.

The 'fight clubs' in the film are supposed to be a metaphor for the emptiness of late-20th century society. Brad Pitt's character states, "We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives." Without a great war or a great depression - you need to just beat the shit out of each other! Cause that's how this works, right?

Well too bad only two years after Fight Club was released, 9/11 happened. So we did have a great war. Nine years later in 2008 we also saw the financial crisis and recession, so yeah... we sort of have a great depression now also.

So after a while, I realized: I didn't need to start a fight club to get out my  non-conformist aggression. More importantly I realized starting a fight club would be a very bad idea. I'd get hurt, and that would suck.

Goodfellas

What I wanted to do: Join the Mafia!

I've seen many movies and TV shows that romanticize organized crime, but none of them excited me as much as Goodfellas. Based on the true story of mafia associate, Henry Hill, Goodfellas portrays the life of a gangster as someone who can always get what they want. Which is of course, the whole point of everything.

I thought this was pretty badass. All you need to do is be a criminal, survive, and then if you REALLY need to rat out your friends, you could always join the witness protection program.

Then, I broke down all those things I stated above.
1) Being a Criminal - not a good idea! You could go to jail, you have to do immoral acts, you may have to kill. In other words - not exactly great.
2) Survive - as the movie shows, if you're in the mafia - people are always trying to kill you. I'd end up pretty fucking paranoid.
3) Witness Protection Program - sounds good. Until you find out you have to go to Montana or Wyoming or some shit like that. That's way worse than going to prison.

When it comes down to it, I think I really just wanted to celebrate my Italian American heritage. The fact that, like me, Henry Hill is part-Irish part-Italian also made me feel like I could be just like him. All I needed was some gangster friends and pounds and pounds of cocaine. But since I never aspired to have gangster friends, or sell cocaine, I kind of lost interest in these ideas all together. Oh well.

"Look guys, cocaine and guns. This 'mafia' stuff sure is fun and easy!"

Say Anything...

What I wanted to do: Win the affection of a girl by playing a boombox outside her window...? Yeah!

OK so this one is a little more specific than the other too, and something I actually fantasized about seriously. While being a member of the mafia or starting a fight club seemed far fetched, this idea really stuck out to me.

If you don't know the film Say Anything... it stars a young John Cusack as a recent high school gradute named Lloyd who is madly and deeply in love with the valedictorian, Diane Court. Lloyd isn't a prep - and his future is uncertain. Diane is going to college in England and he may never see her again, so he needs to spend time with her now. Or something like that. In any case, all you need to know is that by today's standards: Lloyd would be in prison for stalking.

He'd probably also receive a hefty fine from the fashion police for wearing those pants with that jacket.

So at a certain point in the film, when his love life seems uncertain, Lloyd shows up outside Diane's house - while she's in bed - and blasts Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" for the whole neighborhood to hear. This is the iconic scene that most people remember about this movie (it's also important to note that this isn't even what wins her affection. He basically just looks like a stalker.)

I thought this was so cool. I really thought this was the way to go, "YEAH, any girl I like, I'll just play a boombox outside their house. And play a love song. That'll work. It worked for John Cusack, dammit, it'll work for me."

I am so glad I never did this. I actually don't know anybody who ever did anything like this.

They need to make a movie "Say Anything 2013" and immediately after Lloyd serenades Diane via boombox the FBI pulls up in SWAT trucks. They throw Lloyd blindfolded into some van that transports him to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

As he's being interrogated by federal agents he says things like, "I don't even know why I'm supposed to be here! I'm not a terrorist!"

Then one of the agents is like, "Oh yeah, if you're not a terrorist, than why are you wearing a trenchcoat?"

Lloyd says, "What?" and then another agent throws hot coffee in his face and he starts crying. Oh man, that'd be a great movie.