So, You're Not Supporting Occupy Wall Street?

Today it was announced that ‘The Protester’ was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2011. Aside from the widely successful Arab Spring which closed the gap on ruthless dictatorships in the Middle East, the placement of ‘The Protester’ as Person of the Year is largely due in part to the prominence of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

About a month ago I posted a Facebook status stating that unless you help control 36.7% of the wealth in this country, than you should be in favor of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I've noticed that news sources are putting  of Occupy Wall Street supporters into their own little convenient categories. So I've decided to do the same. These are the types of people I’ve documented who have yet to show their support.


The Republican-Tea Party-Conservative-Libertarian Assholes

“These protesters are anti-American. They’re anti-capitalist Marxists who support socialism. Ronald Reagan would be rolling in his grave. I sure do love Ronald Reagan. I hope I can meet him in heaven.”

Now that I’m older, whenever I hear someone say “I’m Republican” or “I’m conservative” what I’m really hearing is “I’m selfish” followed by a snarky-evil-maniacal laugh. There’s that fucking annoying quote that’s usually attributed to Winston Churchill, “If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain.” What this should really say is “If you’re not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you’re not at a conservative at forty clearly you’ve done something wrong in your life because all that really matters is money. That’s right, money. Money is the only thing important ever and if you care more about society than money then you are a naïve buffoon. Also, Ronald Reagan should be in the Bible.” Sorry Republicans, after President Bush your entire party, ideology, and history have been tainted. Get over yourselves. You’ve proven to be nothing but big business whores and panderers to the stupidest and most brainwashed people in this country. Enjoy your Tea Party protests. I’m sure there’s a Denny’s somewhere in Missouri that’s willing to host it.


The Spineless-Liberal Douches

 

“I really don’t see the point of Occupy Wall Street. I mean greed is bad… but then what? I really don’t see their message. Honestly what I’m seeing on CNN doesn’t seem so great. Also I will vote for Obama again no matter what! Also... Republicans are mean!”

That’s funny what I said about Republicans before right? Well ya know what? I’ll take a hard-lined conservative any day over a lame-ass liberal douche. These are the people that complain that Ralph Nader lost the election for Al Gore in 2000, when they don’t realize that Al Gore lost the election for Al Gore in 2000 (well Al Gore actually did win the election but let’s not get into that…). These people whine and bitch about change yet they CONSISTENTLY vote for the Democratic Party in EVERY election. And then when there’s a chance for actual change – through peaceful demonstration like Occupy Wall Street – they say, “well… I don’t want to get arrested” FUCK THESE PEOPLE. These people are an even bigger problem than conservative assholes, because these people do nothing but sit in their chairs and watch the demonstrations on TV and then formed their opinions based on that. They’re worthless.


The Ironic Dissenter aka Fucking Hipster

“Occupy Wall Street has actually made New York City lose money. On top of that small businesses near protests have been hurt which is exactly missing the point. This is why I can’t support this movement. Also someone give me an ugly sweater and a PBR because I didn’t have a good high school experience.”

Hipsters have an art with irony, and with so many ‘hipsters’ actually supporting Occupy Wall Street, there has to be a union of hipsters against it. These people don’t care about politics or society, but they want people to think they care about politics and society especially for all the wrong reasons. Also when they get called out on their Facebook posts for posting something political, they’ll say something along the lines of “hey man… didn’t mean to start a fight” -- Well then dipshit, why’d you post something about politics on the internet that literally anyone in the world could see? Just so people who agree with you will respond? Doesn’t work that way, pretentious moron. Just … die.


The Baby-Boomer Middle-Aged Cocksucker aka Adam Carolla

                  Adam Carolla, the Earth's last-living Neanderthal, describes Occupy Wall Street Protesters

“What are these people complaining about? Honestly, does this generation feel so entitled to EVERYTHING? When I was their age everything sucked and everything will always suck.”

The Baby-Boomers have to be the most disillusioned generation to ever walk this planet. Maybe the reason my generation feels so entitled to things is because it’s your generation that told us we should be. You see that clip of Adam Carolla above? He can talk all he wants, but he has to understand that it was his shitty generation that gave us the idea that if we went to college we’d get a good job. Now what? We have thousands of graduates without jobs and thousands of graduates in insurmountable debt. And now he’s bitching that our generation is using our right to peacefully assemble because he is an ass-hat. Adam Carolla fucking sucks, has always sucked, and will always be Jimmy Kimmel’s unfunny counterpart from “The Man Show”. Whats wrong Adam Carolla, miss being famous? Why don’t you do us all a favor and occupy a TV show and stop being some wannabe shock-jock radio imbecile.



The Misinformed Idiot

“Like… what is the point… I don’t get it… I know it’ll help something but ya know? WHAT IS THE POINT? I’m too lazy to type in a news source into my browser or install an app on my smart phone that I could read while I’m on the toilet.”

You know what? Don’t even bother. If you don’t have an opinion on social issues, just do us all a favor – don’t try acting like you know. Just don’t do it. You don’t know anything, you won’t know anything, and you only give a shit about yourself.


The 1% aka … People who literally help control 36.7% of the wealth in this country

“Weeeee I have lots of money! I can do many things because I have SO MUCH MONEY! I can buy factories and fill them with chocolate and then force a politician to disagree with his constituents to benefit my bottomline… WEEE!

This last one is obvious. If you are super-rich, there is much at stake. Since the 1980’s, the super-rich in America have had it well – too well. The entire world is three years into a recession that was caused by these guys, but they don’t want to lose any of their fortune. As evil as these people are, I can understand why the occupation and protest of their financial wheel-of-fortune would be disadvantageous to them. Because honestly, what’s the point of life if you can’t have the freedom to have as much money as you want and do whatever you want all the time? What would we do as a people if we could not aspire to be as great and as amazing as someone with so much money? Life wouldn't be worth living. Maybe one day we can all be like the great and powerful Scrooge McDuck.

Nothing Is Original About Katy Perry

A little less than two weeks ago Katy Perry became the first artist in history to be in the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 charts for a full year. 

Sorry guys.

It was around 2008 when Katy Perry first rose to prominence, and I remember that I couldn’t help but think that’d she’d be a one-hit wonder and fall into obscurity; only later to have a reality show on VH1.

"Who Let the Dogs Back In?" Coming this fall!

Somehow Katy Perry has managed to succeed expectations using the same trick that countless pop acts have done before: not being original. Not only has Katy Perry done this through her music – her entire entity is unoriginal.

 Katy Perry was born Katheryn Hudson – and even performed as Katy Hudson on her eponymous album Katy Hudson. You’ve probably never heard of this album. It was released way back in 2001 when Katy Perry was a Christian rock singer (yes the same girl who appears in music videos wearing whipped cream bikinis was once a Christian singer), and we all know Christian rock never reaches the mainstream. 

Unless you're the worst band in the world.

Perry soon dropped the “Hudson” as she did not want to be confused with actress Kate Hudson. Smart move on Katy’s part, too bad she would wind up being confused with the infinitely more talented Zooey Deschanel.

Fuck it. Let's just call the blog, "Why Is Zooey Deschanel Doing this?"

So her name is unoriginal, as are her looks. But what about her music? 

Katy Perry’s first big hit was “I Kissed a Girl”. The song launched Perry into the spotlight for a generation of teens who never thought a girl could get away with singing about such things. Only problem: a girl got away with singing about such things over a decade ago. Jill Sobule released “I Kissed a Girl” 13 years earlier. And guess what? It’s way better.

Where Perry’s version is an anthem to wild child party girls who drink heavily and make out with their friends, Sobule’s actually discusses the taboo and intimacy of a lesbian relationship. The reason you don’t remember Sobule’s version? Well, probably because she looks like this.

Eh...  um... yeah.

This goes for all of Perry’s big hits. The Beach Boys and David Lee Roth rocked out to “California Girls” before it was “California Gurls” (because there’s a huge difference between girls and gurls).

But I think what I’ve noticed most about Perry’s unoriginality can be seen in the video for her latest single “E.T.” 

I wasn’t sure if it was just me the first time I heard “E.T.” it sounded oddly reminiscent of the faux-lesbian-Russian group t.A.T.u’s hit, “All the Things She Said” only this time with Kanye West. Turns out I wasn’t the only person who noticed.

t.A.T.u.: My "Teenage Dream".

  

I don’t believe I’ve shed enough light on this issue. In order to further prove my point, I’m going to critically break down the video for “E.T.”

         Left: Alien from "E.T." video            Right: Alien from Independence Day

 

 

 

 

Left: Red alien Katy Perry         Right: A redlion fish

                Left: White alien Katy Perry                  Right: Proto-Gaga French singer Klaus Nomi

 

Left: Kanye West                Right: Puff Daddy

 So as you can see the video for "E.T." proves that Katy Perry has made a career off of ripping people off. I mean the fucking song is named after a world renowned movie. Not only that but I think Russel Brand needs to look into Katy Perry as a concern. I'm pretty sure redlion fish are venomous.

A Review of Zooey Deschanel's New TV Show Which I Have Not Seen and Therefore Have No Right to Complain About, But Do Anyway

It’s no secret that I love singer/actress Zooey Deschanel. That’s why when I found out she was starring in an upcoming television show and that the trailer was readily available online I immediately stopped everything to watch.

It's about how she rolls around in a ball all day... or something.

The trailer of “New Girl” opens with Zooey giving an inspired little speech to an unknown audience. 

 Turns out that Zooey walked in on her significant other having an affair.

This guy? Really?

So the audience already knows that this show is complete bullshit. Someone is cheating on Zooey Deschanel? Really?  This is less believable than a show about anthropomorphic dinosaurs living in a quasi-modern society that takes place during the Triassic period. 

Wait... what?

Zooey is forced to find a new place to live; this is where the classic sitcom formula kicks into gear. Zooey has to live with – THREE DUDES! YEAH!

From left to right you have an excellent formulaic trio for primetime television: the token black guy, the handsome douche/idiot, and the rugged everyman with whom Zooey’s character will inevitably get with.

"...the fuck is Zooey Deschanel?"

The next three minutes reveal that Zooey is suffering from the post-breakup blues. It’s up to Zooey’s three male roommates to get her back into the game. Add in another female character without any explanation and the realization that when push-comes-shove her male roommates are actually charmed by Zooey and you have yourself a trailer for a show that will premiere after “Glee” in the fall.

"...why am I here?"

 A few questions:

Why are you doing this Zooey?

If there’s anything I hate to see in television and film, it’s typecasting. Dear Hollywood – Zooey is a good actress. I understand she was fantastic in 500 Days of Summer, but why have her repeat this quirky-indie-dream queen role over and over again? It’d be like if Ellen Page played a pregnant woman over and over again. Eventually she’d get sick of it, and throw up everywhere.

And then just keep eating.

How can this show be good?

The question I am asking here isn’t “Will this show be good?” I’m asking “how? How can this show be good? The whole premise of the show revolves around taking an original actress like Zooey Deschanel and throwing her into a completely unoriginal plot. It doesn’t make any sense. The creators of this show actually had the audacity to title it “New Girl”, as if there’s something new about it. Why not just name the show “Roommates” or “Opposite Sex”?

Turns out they were already taken.

 Can we just end TV right now?

This is a serious question. Why bother with TV anymore? Or at the very least can we just end TV sitcoms for the love of humanity? I can’t take it anymore. Every year it’s some new bullshit that gets worse and worse and more generic than it was yesterday. TV as we know it is dead. Steve Carrell has left “The Office” and they’ve replaced Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher on “Two and a Half Men” (it’s not like anyone watched that show for any other reason besides the hope of watching Charlie Sheen collapse on set). What has the world come to when Zooey Deschanel is starring in a show that would have normally starred Jennifer Aniston or Julia Louise-Dreyfuss?

"GODDAMMIT WOMEN!"

Zooey is a pleasure to watch. She is also a pleasure to listen to, and the trailer for “New Girl” condescendingly points out how she likes to sing, which is clearly pandering to the post-“Glee” audience. It’s this unfortunate audience tapping that drives me crazy about primetime TV. Nobody cares about substance; it’s all about ratings. 

I want to hate you so badly. I just can't.

I don't know about you, but I'm not going to take this lying down. I’ve figured out a concept for a show that will feature all of Zooey’s talents and not be terrible. Hope it works…

Classic.

Replacing Bin Laden: Finding America's Next Super-Villain

Now that Osama Bin Laden is dead, there is a pressing matter facing Americans: We need a new super-villain. 

Bin Laden was a perfect foe for the United States for many reasons. What he represented was a complete antithesis of American culture and American values. Part of these values though includes having an opponent. We had the Nazis, the Soviets, and now Islamic terrorists have gone out of style. So what’s next?

Countless tyrants have been bad guys to America before. But who will fit the bill now that Bin Laden is gone? Let’s go over some of the likely candidates.

Hedorah

If you are unfamiliar with Hedorah, that probably means you are a cool person and have been successful in sports and in attracting the opposite sex your entire life.

Hedorah is the smog monster from the Godzilla franchise. The first appearance of Hedorah came in the 1971 film Godzilla vs. Hedorah, known in the U.S. as Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster. Hedorah begins its life as a microscopic alien life form that feeds on pollution to grow. By accumulating more and more pollution it becomes enormous and threatens mankind. It is up to Godzilla to defeat Hedorah, and keep Japan the world safe again.

In the real world, pollution consistently threatens mankind. Perhaps people would be more willing to fight against pollution if we could put a face on it. This is where Hedorah comes in. By becoming the poster-boy for pollution just like Bin Laden was the poster-boy for terrorism, maybe the United States will have incentive to fight it.

Roger Goodell 

Everybody wants to see an NFL season; Roger Goodell has the power to make that happen. As commissioner of the National Football League, Goodell serves the purpose of one thing for the American people: making football happen. Basically if this idiot doesn’t resolve the current labor disputes with the NFL players, the 2011 NFL season may not happen. Everybody knows that the first thing to do to piss of Americans is take away football. 

Dipshit.

If Goodell fails to resolve this issue, he could be next Bin Laden. Maybe he won’t be a sociopathic megalomaniac mass murderer like Bin Laden, but Americans will hate him just as much.

Nickelback

Nickelback is a band that has two qualities that disgust Americans: 

1)      They’re Canadian

2)      Their music blows.

Fucking losers.

When was the last time you heard a Nickelback song and thought, “Wow this song is great, I can’t wait to hear it again?” Unless you enjoy living in a trailer park or were raised by a Midwestern white trash woman who has a tattoo of a heart with an arrow through it, than you shouldn’t be listening to Nickelback.

There aren’t very many bands that invoke as much vitriol as Nickelback. Let’s make sure nobody listens to them again by making them enemies of the United States.

Muammar Gaddafi

The leader of Libya for the last 40 years, Gaddafi has been… You know what? Fuck it. Who cares about this guy anymore? Really.

Rosie O’Donnell 

Everybody hates Rosie O’Donnell and she is the face of obesity in America. Obesity currently tops the list of health problems Americans are facing today. What better way to stop obesity than by making Rosie O’Donnell public enemy number one? Seriously, think about it.

Fat. Red. Pig.

 

Koch Brothers

The multi-billionaire Koch Brothers have been praised by some for being champions of civil liberties and free enterprise. However, they have used their corporate influence to strangle the very democracy that makes America great. By using their vast amount of money to fund political campaigns for candidates of their choice they’ve imposed their will on the American people.

Efforts to get Americans to renounce global warning and to defeat support for environmental protection? Koch Brothers.

The establishment of the Tea Party? Koch Brothers.

Essentially, these guys are the real life Lex Luthor style super-villains. 

But let’s get started on football and ruining Rosie O’Donnell’s life. Then we’ll worry about these guys.