Replacing Bin Laden: Finding America's Next Super-Villain

Now that Osama Bin Laden is dead, there is a pressing matter facing Americans: We need a new super-villain. 

Bin Laden was a perfect foe for the United States for many reasons. What he represented was a complete antithesis of American culture and American values. Part of these values though includes having an opponent. We had the Nazis, the Soviets, and now Islamic terrorists have gone out of style. So what’s next?

Countless tyrants have been bad guys to America before. But who will fit the bill now that Bin Laden is gone? Let’s go over some of the likely candidates.

Hedorah

If you are unfamiliar with Hedorah, that probably means you are a cool person and have been successful in sports and in attracting the opposite sex your entire life.

Hedorah is the smog monster from the Godzilla franchise. The first appearance of Hedorah came in the 1971 film Godzilla vs. Hedorah, known in the U.S. as Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster. Hedorah begins its life as a microscopic alien life form that feeds on pollution to grow. By accumulating more and more pollution it becomes enormous and threatens mankind. It is up to Godzilla to defeat Hedorah, and keep Japan the world safe again.

In the real world, pollution consistently threatens mankind. Perhaps people would be more willing to fight against pollution if we could put a face on it. This is where Hedorah comes in. By becoming the poster-boy for pollution just like Bin Laden was the poster-boy for terrorism, maybe the United States will have incentive to fight it.

Roger Goodell 

Everybody wants to see an NFL season; Roger Goodell has the power to make that happen. As commissioner of the National Football League, Goodell serves the purpose of one thing for the American people: making football happen. Basically if this idiot doesn’t resolve the current labor disputes with the NFL players, the 2011 NFL season may not happen. Everybody knows that the first thing to do to piss of Americans is take away football. 

Dipshit.

If Goodell fails to resolve this issue, he could be next Bin Laden. Maybe he won’t be a sociopathic megalomaniac mass murderer like Bin Laden, but Americans will hate him just as much.

Nickelback

Nickelback is a band that has two qualities that disgust Americans: 

1)      They’re Canadian

2)      Their music blows.

Fucking losers.

When was the last time you heard a Nickelback song and thought, “Wow this song is great, I can’t wait to hear it again?” Unless you enjoy living in a trailer park or were raised by a Midwestern white trash woman who has a tattoo of a heart with an arrow through it, than you shouldn’t be listening to Nickelback.

There aren’t very many bands that invoke as much vitriol as Nickelback. Let’s make sure nobody listens to them again by making them enemies of the United States.

Muammar Gaddafi

The leader of Libya for the last 40 years, Gaddafi has been… You know what? Fuck it. Who cares about this guy anymore? Really.

Rosie O’Donnell 

Everybody hates Rosie O’Donnell and she is the face of obesity in America. Obesity currently tops the list of health problems Americans are facing today. What better way to stop obesity than by making Rosie O’Donnell public enemy number one? Seriously, think about it.

Fat. Red. Pig.

 

Koch Brothers

The multi-billionaire Koch Brothers have been praised by some for being champions of civil liberties and free enterprise. However, they have used their corporate influence to strangle the very democracy that makes America great. By using their vast amount of money to fund political campaigns for candidates of their choice they’ve imposed their will on the American people.

Efforts to get Americans to renounce global warning and to defeat support for environmental protection? Koch Brothers.

The establishment of the Tea Party? Koch Brothers.

Essentially, these guys are the real life Lex Luthor style super-villains. 

But let’s get started on football and ruining Rosie O’Donnell’s life. Then we’ll worry about these guys.