So, You're Not Supporting Occupy Wall Street?

Today it was announced that ‘The Protester’ was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2011. Aside from the widely successful Arab Spring which closed the gap on ruthless dictatorships in the Middle East, the placement of ‘The Protester’ as Person of the Year is largely due in part to the prominence of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

About a month ago I posted a Facebook status stating that unless you help control 36.7% of the wealth in this country, than you should be in favor of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I've noticed that news sources are putting  of Occupy Wall Street supporters into their own little convenient categories. So I've decided to do the same. These are the types of people I’ve documented who have yet to show their support.


The Republican-Tea Party-Conservative-Libertarian Assholes

“These protesters are anti-American. They’re anti-capitalist Marxists who support socialism. Ronald Reagan would be rolling in his grave. I sure do love Ronald Reagan. I hope I can meet him in heaven.”

Now that I’m older, whenever I hear someone say “I’m Republican” or “I’m conservative” what I’m really hearing is “I’m selfish” followed by a snarky-evil-maniacal laugh. There’s that fucking annoying quote that’s usually attributed to Winston Churchill, “If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain.” What this should really say is “If you’re not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you’re not at a conservative at forty clearly you’ve done something wrong in your life because all that really matters is money. That’s right, money. Money is the only thing important ever and if you care more about society than money then you are a naïve buffoon. Also, Ronald Reagan should be in the Bible.” Sorry Republicans, after President Bush your entire party, ideology, and history have been tainted. Get over yourselves. You’ve proven to be nothing but big business whores and panderers to the stupidest and most brainwashed people in this country. Enjoy your Tea Party protests. I’m sure there’s a Denny’s somewhere in Missouri that’s willing to host it.


The Spineless-Liberal Douches

 

“I really don’t see the point of Occupy Wall Street. I mean greed is bad… but then what? I really don’t see their message. Honestly what I’m seeing on CNN doesn’t seem so great. Also I will vote for Obama again no matter what! Also... Republicans are mean!”

That’s funny what I said about Republicans before right? Well ya know what? I’ll take a hard-lined conservative any day over a lame-ass liberal douche. These are the people that complain that Ralph Nader lost the election for Al Gore in 2000, when they don’t realize that Al Gore lost the election for Al Gore in 2000 (well Al Gore actually did win the election but let’s not get into that…). These people whine and bitch about change yet they CONSISTENTLY vote for the Democratic Party in EVERY election. And then when there’s a chance for actual change – through peaceful demonstration like Occupy Wall Street – they say, “well… I don’t want to get arrested” FUCK THESE PEOPLE. These people are an even bigger problem than conservative assholes, because these people do nothing but sit in their chairs and watch the demonstrations on TV and then formed their opinions based on that. They’re worthless.


The Ironic Dissenter aka Fucking Hipster

“Occupy Wall Street has actually made New York City lose money. On top of that small businesses near protests have been hurt which is exactly missing the point. This is why I can’t support this movement. Also someone give me an ugly sweater and a PBR because I didn’t have a good high school experience.”

Hipsters have an art with irony, and with so many ‘hipsters’ actually supporting Occupy Wall Street, there has to be a union of hipsters against it. These people don’t care about politics or society, but they want people to think they care about politics and society especially for all the wrong reasons. Also when they get called out on their Facebook posts for posting something political, they’ll say something along the lines of “hey man… didn’t mean to start a fight” -- Well then dipshit, why’d you post something about politics on the internet that literally anyone in the world could see? Just so people who agree with you will respond? Doesn’t work that way, pretentious moron. Just … die.


The Baby-Boomer Middle-Aged Cocksucker aka Adam Carolla

                  Adam Carolla, the Earth's last-living Neanderthal, describes Occupy Wall Street Protesters

“What are these people complaining about? Honestly, does this generation feel so entitled to EVERYTHING? When I was their age everything sucked and everything will always suck.”

The Baby-Boomers have to be the most disillusioned generation to ever walk this planet. Maybe the reason my generation feels so entitled to things is because it’s your generation that told us we should be. You see that clip of Adam Carolla above? He can talk all he wants, but he has to understand that it was his shitty generation that gave us the idea that if we went to college we’d get a good job. Now what? We have thousands of graduates without jobs and thousands of graduates in insurmountable debt. And now he’s bitching that our generation is using our right to peacefully assemble because he is an ass-hat. Adam Carolla fucking sucks, has always sucked, and will always be Jimmy Kimmel’s unfunny counterpart from “The Man Show”. Whats wrong Adam Carolla, miss being famous? Why don’t you do us all a favor and occupy a TV show and stop being some wannabe shock-jock radio imbecile.



The Misinformed Idiot

“Like… what is the point… I don’t get it… I know it’ll help something but ya know? WHAT IS THE POINT? I’m too lazy to type in a news source into my browser or install an app on my smart phone that I could read while I’m on the toilet.”

You know what? Don’t even bother. If you don’t have an opinion on social issues, just do us all a favor – don’t try acting like you know. Just don’t do it. You don’t know anything, you won’t know anything, and you only give a shit about yourself.


The 1% aka … People who literally help control 36.7% of the wealth in this country

“Weeeee I have lots of money! I can do many things because I have SO MUCH MONEY! I can buy factories and fill them with chocolate and then force a politician to disagree with his constituents to benefit my bottomline… WEEE!

This last one is obvious. If you are super-rich, there is much at stake. Since the 1980’s, the super-rich in America have had it well – too well. The entire world is three years into a recession that was caused by these guys, but they don’t want to lose any of their fortune. As evil as these people are, I can understand why the occupation and protest of their financial wheel-of-fortune would be disadvantageous to them. Because honestly, what’s the point of life if you can’t have the freedom to have as much money as you want and do whatever you want all the time? What would we do as a people if we could not aspire to be as great and as amazing as someone with so much money? Life wouldn't be worth living. Maybe one day we can all be like the great and powerful Scrooge McDuck.