The 10 Worst People of 2012

 Sometimes people suck. It's inevitable. It's going to happen. You're going to see the news and some shitty person is going to be doing something so ridiculously dumb that it makes you stop and look around for a while and think, "Wow some people are the worst."

Celebrities and public figures can ruin headlines for a year. Here, ranked, are the worst.

10.) Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher has no talent. That's been pretty clear. But what you didn't know is that Ashton Kutcher is also a moron.

Kutcher made headlines this year for starring in commercials dressed in brownface. Yes, brownface is a term we are now using, because of this.

Look at that picture and realize that this wasn't for a movie, this wasn't for a telivision show, this was for a fucking potato chip commercial.

9.) LIPA

As someone from Long Island, I never thought that the rest of the country would know about LIPA - but here we are.

After Hurricane Sandy devastated the Mid-Atlantic, all of Long Island's power grid was in shambles.

Even with out-of-state-workers and FEMA to assist in fixing the damage, it still took LIPA weeks to pick up the pieces, as they failed to do an efficient job getting people back into the light.

Thanks assholes.

8.) Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh pissed off a whole bunch of people this year when he joked about a female audience member saying, "Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by, like, five guys right now?"

Comedians often get away with joking about rape. Sometimes its helpful for people to laugh about tragedies, or sometimes they can find the audience that appreciates dark humor.

But this wasn't dark humor. It was just Tosh kind of acting like a frat boy dick.

7.) Patrice Wilson

You may not know who Patrice Wilson is. That is a good thing. But you very likely know this song.

Yes, that hip hop dude from the "Friday" video struck back. And this time with "Thanksgiving."

What the hell is wrong with this guy?  Who the hell wants to see music videos like this? Even children HATE it.

Patrice Wilson: if you somehow stumble upon this writing, PLEASE for the love of all things good, stop making music videos. They are horrendous, embarrassing, and will likely ruin these young girls' lives.

6.) Angus T. Jones

You know, every so often a famous child television star turns out to be a religious lunatic. So is the fate of Angus T. Jones.

Jon Cryer didn't make the top ten.

In this video below Jones tells us to stop watching "Two and a Half Men" and calls the show "filth."

I agree that "Two and a Half Men" is filth. Not for morals reasons, but because it sucks. And I would have no problem with Angus T. Jones saying this -- if he wasn't making over $300,000 per episode.

So Angus (who the hell names their kid "Angus" anyway?), you can redeem yourself. Get "Two and a Half Men" off the air and promise we will never hear from you again.

5.) Claire Danes

I don't really know anything about "Homeland"; I've never seen an episode nor do I care to. But it was wildly popular this year.

Claire Danes, who stars on "Homeland", has an annoying face. That's all. That's all I have to say about her. Her face annoys me.

4.) George Lucas

Okay, George Lucas is an asshole - we know this. But he fulfilled his mandate to join the asshole Hall of Fame by selling Star Wars to Disney.

What the fuck? Disney is not allowed to own Star Wars if they already own Marvel. That's a bunch of bullshit. Disney does not get to start a monopoly on all things that are cool. But Lucas is an ass for giving them the okay. It's like he doesn't even value any of our childhoods anymore.

I hate you George Lucas.

3.) Rick Santorum

Someone had to take the fall for the glorious failure of the United States Republican Party this year. Romney failed to take the White House but, thankfully we still had entertainment.

AMERICA!

The fall guy has to be Rick Santorum. There is no one who greater represents the backward philosophy of the Republicans greater than Santorum when he is in all his glory.

These are some things he believes about: gay people, pornography, the environment, healthcare, birth control, and social security.

"I have no shame" - Rick Santorum, loser

The people of Pennsylvania did the right thing in 2006 by giving this guy the boot, but his legacy will lie in his perverted judgement of social reality in 2012.

2.) The Kony 2012 Guy

I'm not talking about ruthless African warlord, Jospeh Kony. I'm talking about the guy who made the Kony 2012 video, Jason Russell.

ugh.

 There's nothing more annoying than a white American activist trying to make people aware of social issues in Africa. Not that Americans shouldn't do anything to help, but the last thing we need is some pious piece-of-shit asshole telling us why we should care through a 30-minute Youtube video.

We get it, you're into charity.

The best thing that happened to this guy was when he got caught jerking off in San Diego almost immediately after this video became popular. It was like God was watching from the heavens and was just like, "Man I kind of want to humiliate this guy."

1.) That one guy who yelled at me

Following Hurricane Sandy there was a gas shortage in New York.

I was making a right turn onto a main road in my town, when suddenly I realized I ended up on a mile long line for gas. This was not my intention; but as soon as I could signal to drive into the left lane, a maniac driver from behind started screaming at me.

"YOU CUT ME! YOU CUT ME! I WAS HERE FIRST" the moron shouted.

I assured him, as best as I could, that I intended to get off the line as I was on the line by accident.

He didn't stop screaming.

"I WAS HERE FIRST! I WAS HERE FIRST MOVE" he screamed while honking as many times as possible.

It wasn't until a police officer arrived quickly and allowed me to get cut into the left lane that I was free from his rage.

But why? I literally did nothing to this man. Why was getting gas quicker that much more important to him?

Then I realized that his man, this stupid fuck, is everything that is wrong with society. He yelled at me, because he thought he wasn't going to get what he wanted. He had no idea who I was, or what I was doing, or the fact that I was about to leave the line - he just screamed at me anyway.

This guy was a cry baby douche bag. There was no reason he had to yell at me because he thought he wasn't going to get gas as quickly as he thought he would. I hope this guy rots in hell.

15 Things That Will Remind You of the Past LOL!

Boy, I sure do love Buzzfeed. I really can't get enough of people posting images of stuff from the 90's and turning my legitimate nostalgia into absolute apathy. I also love not having to read anything more than one paragraph long. I like looking at pictures better.

 In order to tribute the great people at Buzzfeed for all their intellectual genius I've decided to dedicate this blog post to them.

Here are 15 Things That Will Remind You of the Past! Ha!

15. John McEnroe!

He used to be a tennis CRAZY man. But now he's just a funny guy!

14. Lite-Brite!

Tons of fun to watch your sailboat "lite" up but not so much fun cleaning up after! AH!

13. Dial-Up Internet

Yeah, and we complain about Wi-Fi nowadays - but remember this >.< !

12. Chernobyl Disaster

The impact of nuclear radiation and toxic contamination is still being investigated today.

11. Duck Tales

The show was great, but remember the movies! What a gas!

10. TV's that looked like this 0_0

What are the antennaes for? Connection to outerspace?

9. Dunkaroos

Never... enough... frosting!

8. Starter Jackets

Isn't it theCharlotte Bobcats? The Hornets? That team DOESN'T EVEN EXIST >.>

7. Rice Krispies Treats Cereal

Umm.. why don't they make this anymore again?

6. Joel Rifkin

Between 1989-1993 Joel Rifkin went on a mass murder spree. We may never know how many people he killed.

5. Hulk Hogan

HULKAMANIA!

4. Old School Nintendo

This was the Japanese version. Famicom - short for FAMILY COMPUTER! HAHA!

3. Joey Lawrence

One word - WOAH!

2. Push Pops

Totally cooler than Ring pops!

1. L.A. Riots

We sure did get some great hip hop music out of this one huh?!

That about covers it. Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me. Thanks Buzzfeed!

*note: All content, images, words, sentences and emoticons are not property of Buzzfeed or the author and have no creative meaning or purpose whatsoever.

The True Winners and Losers from the 2012 Election

As the 2012 Election Season comes to an end, it's important to point out who really won last night.

Before I go into further detail I want to make one thing clear for those of you who think I'm some bleeding heart liberal and don't get my political jokes/statesments: I am not a Democrat. I actually hate the Democrats. I think they're ineffective puppets of a much larger system that needs immediate reform. But I will happily support them over the blood-sucking, bible-beating, selfish and greedy Republicans. That being said here is who really lost and won last night.

LOSERS

The Tea Party

In 2010 Tea Party favorites won control of the House of Representatives. But after two years of saying stupid shit like this, and like this, they turned out to be total losers after last night. Here's a hint: The American people are stupid, but not that stupid. Allen West and Joe Walsh will likely get gigs on FOX News and Dancing With The Stars. So all is not lost.

Old White Dudes Who Are Completely Unsympathetic About Rape

Republicans: You know your party is in bad shape when people across the world are saying "Hey, isn't that the 'rape guy'?" and "That's the rapist, right?" and it applies TO MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

For those of you who don't know, Richard Mourdock is the gentleman from Indiana who said that an unwanted pregnancy as the result of a rape is something that "God intended", which is basically the equivalent of saying that murder, genocide, and slavery are also things that "God intended."

He is a dumbass, and lost his election for U.S. Senate.

I have no funny caption for this picture. Just look at the smile.  What a goddamn creep.

The picture above is of Congressman Todd Akin, U.S. Senate candidate from Missouri. This is the man, whom, using science (he must have right?) ascertained that woman could not get pregnant by rape because the female body has a way to "shut that whole thing down."

Since human beings have known since our inception that penis + vagina = baby, he lost his election.

Democrats

You shouldn't be surprised by this. Yes, Obama won reelection. Yes, blah blah blah four more years - The point is there will still be congressional gridlock as the House of Representatives is still controlled by obstructionist Republicans. Good luck getting things passed but hopefully without Tea Party chumps, it will be easier.

WINNERS

Mitt Romney

"AND I would have gotten away with it too! If it weren't for minorities having the right to vote!"

Mitt Romney may have lost the election last night, but he was closer in the popular vote than John McCain was in 2008 against Obama. The reason Mitt Romney is a winner is because he performed much better than people would have expected four years ago. I applaud Mitt Romney for breaking barriers against religious bias in America - there was no way a Mormon could have gone this far in the Presidential Election 10 years ago. However I denounce Romney for pretty much everything else as he turned out to be the guy who would say anything and do anything to become president. Ultimately he lost, but his legacy of being a loser who will shamelessly do anything to become president will live on. Long live Richard Nixon!

Marriage Equality

Last night Maine, Maryland, and Washington all passed legislation to recognize same-sex marriages on the state level. These three states joined a handful or other states in saying that state governments should recognize a union between two adults, regardless of who they like to bang.

Marijuana

Marijuana Legalization was passed last night in Washington and Colorado. This is a huge victory for stone... I mean civil liberties advocates. In any case this is a tremendous opportunity for the people of the United States to rise up and say that we don't need the government to tell us what we can put into our body. More importantly we need the government to recognize that marijuana is no where near as harmful as some legal drugs such as tobacco and alcohol.

Keep in mind that marijuana is still illegal on a federal level - so expect a Supreme Court decision on this in the coming years. Until then, start booking your trips to Aspen.

New York is Always the Best

Earlier today this article was posted on Thought Catalog.

As a native New Yorker, I was offended. I grew up in Long Island, went to college upstate, and have worked in New York City. I wasn't going to let this go. So I emailed this guy:
Hey Ben,

I wanted to get in touch with you about your article in Thought Catalog regarding Hurricane Sandy. While I agree with your criticism of the media's coverage of the storm I vehemently disagree with your assessment that New York isn't more important than any other area in the world.

To say that New York is only important because "we" say it is, is like saying that Wayne Gretzy is only the greatest hockey player who ever lived because "we" say he is. Aside from not only being the largest city in the United States, the New York metropolitan area is also the largest in the country - most estimates are around 20 million. So not only is New York the largest metro area by far, it is also the home to the United Nations, eight professional sports teams, three major international airports, 13 media companies, over 30 higher education institutions, and the largest mass transit system in the world.

The reason why I offer you this quantitative data is so when you reiterate that "New York is only important because we say it is" - that won't even began to be an argument.

Additionally, your article plays on this pretentious notion that the media is only covering the "whitest areas" of Lower Manhattan and North Brooklyn (your words, not mine). If you were following any local media in New York (which includes NY1 and News 12) you'd know that there has been extreme concern and attention for those in the Rockaways, Staten Island, and the south shore of Long Island. If you were focused on anything aside from your own arrogance and excitement in writing an article disparaging New York, you wouldn't have written something so blindly untrue. I could go on about how it's extremely unlikely that Harlem's subway system will be out for weeks but I wanted to see why you would come to the conclusion that New York isn't more important as anywhere else.

I wanted to see what qualifies your opinion, and what qualifies you as a writer. I began looking at your other articles on Thought Catalog - "The Importance of Honey Boo Boo" and "A Review of My Pets" seemed enthralling, but not quite the standard I would bare to someone willing to criticize the greatest city in the world.

Hurricane Sandy devastated the Atlantic coast. It was a humbling experience that showed people two things: Nature is stronger than man, and more importantly, we're all this together.

I have the utmost sympathy for anyone who has been affected by natural disasters. Whether it's New Orleans or Jakarta, no one deserves to lose their home, livelihood, or well-being to a storm.

For you to use Hurricane Sandy as an opportunity to criticize New York is not only stupid, it's irresponsible.

Sincerely,
Brian Lupo

 If you agree that New York is the greatest city in the world, and shouldn't have to take shit after a tragedy because this guy's an idiot, tell him so! His Thought Catalog profile is here.

5 Political Facebook Posts That Need to End

As election season is rearing its ugly head, its important to remember that we're all Americans and that even though we may hate each others opinion, we can still learn to love and tolerate... actually fuck that bullshit.

This is why you're all morons.

5.) Stop Quoting the Founding Fathers

We all admire Thomas Jefferson's prose, George Washington's leadership, and Benjamin Franklin's lust for large breasted women.

"I like 'em big" - Benjamin Franklin

But there come's a time and a place for us to rationalize the context in which they lived, and realize that although they were great leaders and renaissance men, they were also slave holding womanizers.

I'm not against the Founding Fathers. I just find it hypocritical to quote their beliefs on freedom and oppression when they enslaved human beings to the point that it drove our nation into a war.

4.) Stop Talking About How You Want to Vote for a Former President

I understand that Democrats would like to see a return of Bill Clinton and that Republicans would like to see a zombie Reagan-bot rise from the ashes, but let's get real. Reagan is too busy being dead and Clinton is too busy not having sex with Hilary.

Never would I ever.

People want to reelect former presidents not because they actually want these people to hold office, they want to reelect what these presidents represent to them. Which is stupid because that's like saying you wish you could have your first grade teacher be your law school counselor.

3.) Stop Posting Infographics

I understand that bright pictures with graphs, charts, and words mean something to you, but for the rest of us they're an eyesore.

It's unbelievable some of the shit that people believe from infographics. The biggest problem with infographics is they tend to be meaningless and don't actually address important points. Some of them downright lie. For example look at this:

This graph implies many things but none of them are true, and I made all of it up just now.


2.) Stop Talking About How Bothered You Are That People Are Posting Their Opinions

"Wahhh my newsfeed is cluttered with stuff about the election :( I don't like politics because it makes me think!"

Too fucking bad basically. If I have to put up with New York Yankees bullshit every day of every baseball season of my life perhaps it couldn't hurt for people to discuss who they think is going to be the leader of our country for the next four years.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. That's fine though, go ahead post pictures with your stupid fucking significant other and the muffin you ate for breakfast. That's really beneficial for us all.

1.) Stop Saying We Have "No Choice"

This is in reference to the supporters of third party candidates out there and people who don't like either candidates. Look, I get it. We totally don't have great choices. But we have to deal with it, because these are the cards we are dealt. My sentiments can be best described using The Ice Cream Theory.

Solves all problems really.

This is how The Ice Cream Theory works.

You are going to a party with 10 people and you will all be getting ice cream. The only catch is, everyone gets the same flavor. Everybody gets one vote for the flavor they want and the flavor with the most votes wins.

4 people choose vanilla.
4 people choose chocolate.
1 person doesn't choose shit because he's too much of a douchebag to make a decision about anything in his goddamn life so he has everyone else make the decision for him (he will still complain when he doesn't get what he wants though).

So this is it - you are the tie breaking vote.

The problem? You REALLY want Cookies 'N Cream.

You've worked hard at Friendly's scooping ice cream. You know Cookies 'N Cream is clearly the best option for everyone. You know that choosing Cookies 'N Cream would make everyone happy. The only problem is that the vanilla lobby bought off the four friends voting for them and the four people choosing chocolate can't be swayed because they're in the teachers union... WHAT DO YOU DO?!

You could choose Cookies 'N Cream, allowing the party to enjoy boring, plain, fucking vanilla ice cream.

OR you could just go with chocolate. If you go with chocolate, nobody suffers through vanilla. It may not be your ideal choice, but by God, it's good for the country.

And you know what I've always said, "People who don't like chocolate ice cream... are wrong."

"Wait... are you accusing me of being vanilla ice cream? That's just racist."

Everyone Should Be Forced To Listen to Metal and Hardcore

I want you to watch this video.

Pop Quiz!

Could you get through 30 seconds of that video?
A) Yes and I liked it
B) No and I'm a fan of Skrillex

If you answered "B" don't be friends with me.

I'm sick of Skrillex and "dubstep" fans who don't listen to metal and hardcore (dubstep is in quotations as I'm using it in the context of shitty electro music post-2009 and not drum and bass inspired UK music).

I hate Skrillex. I've hated Skrillex since he was Sonny Moore from From First to Last. In August of 2004 I went to see The Bled play a show in Amityville. If you don't know who The Bled are you're either too young or you suck. Anyway From First to Last opened for The Bled -- nobody knew who they were, nobody was into it, and they would have gone written off as another emocore band that never made it. Unfortunately about a month later they started getting airplay on MTV and were 10 times bigger then The Bled ever became.

Fast forward about a decade later and the same skinny loser who fronted a shitty pop-punk band with screams becomes the biggest electronic artist this side of Moby and now everyone thinks they're hardcore because they listen to it. Guess what - Skrillex is not hardcore. He is a revolving door of trendy-ness and it won't be long before he starts playing Phillip Glass covers because that's what Hot Topic thinks is cool.

The thing that frustrates me the most about Skrillex fans is how hard and heavy the think they're music is. Bitch, please. I used to get my stomach drop kicked and my nose broke at shows and I wasn't even in the mosh pits. If I ever have a son he will never be allowed to listen to Skrillex. He will listen to Converge, Between the Buried and Me, and Bane. I'm going to take him to shows and encourage that he gets his face blasted every time. If he comes home without a scratch, I'll know I've failed as a parent.

Anyway, my point is you're all sissies. Until you listen to brain smashing metal and hardcore, you're lame. Oh and Skrillex can suck a dick.

Events That Would Make the Olympics Worth Watching

So the 2012 Summer Olympics are right around the corner. That's right, it's that time again for people who like shitty sports and nationalism to come together and PARTY!

Too bad the Olympics suck.

These are some games that would make the Olympics badass and worth watching.

Otter Boxing
Otter vs. Otter - mono y mono otters will battle for the right to the sacred pond. First otter that wins gets the secret to Tililak Valley and can defeat evil weasel King Badra.

Naked Clay Boulder Throwing
Opponents get naked, rub clay all over their bodies, and then throw boulders at each other. There are no teams.

Baseball without the Pitcher
Baseball without the pitcher. Ya know, just standin' around and stuff.

Diving Out of Planes
If not planes, helicopters

Hot Dog Eating Contest
Self explanatory.

Potato Gun Wars
Teams of 5 shoot each other with potatoes. Teams with the least amount of potatoes on them win.

Checkers While Being Screamed at by Some Guy
Regular game of Checkers only the players are screamed at by some guy the whole time.

Robot Fighting/Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots
Hey they made a movie about this! OR if they don't have real robots you could just play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots.

Words With Friends
HA! I like this game.

That about covers it. The Olympics suck.

"Does Anyone Have An iPhone Charger?"

       
   "Does Anyone Have An iPhone Charger?"

One of the most over used questions in our vernacular that I hate because it implies two things:
1) A person uses an iPhone
2) A person is incompetent and can't bring their phone charger around with them

No, I do not have an iPhone charger. I have a Droid charger though which you could use to also charge a Blackberry and pretty much any non-Apple electronic device that was invented post-2008. Sorry, is that not good enough for you? Would you like some Kleenex with Aloe also and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off as well?

I hate iPhones. I had an iPhone for about a year. It was the most patronizing electronic device I've ever used. I hated the settings, the aesthetics, and pretty much everything about it.

"iPhones are so easy! There's an app for that! Haha!"

I hate that shit. Easy my ass. Everything should be difficult for this generation of candy ass losers. You can't log into Facebook without opening your browser on your phone? Tough shit. Nobody cares. Just die.

Also -- bring your fucking charger out with you. Okay? Is that so hard? I hate that excuse -- "my phone died" Your phone died because you didn't try at life. If you had something called a rational thought you'd think ahead and bring your charger with you out places.

I hate iPhones and the people that use them.

New TV Show: The Queen of Queens!

Hey everyone aren't you bored of stupid TV shows that aren't good at all? Why don't you check out this new show about my co-worker Jaqi Cohen. It's called the Queen of Queens!

Everybody Loves Raymond was already taken.

Queen of Queens is a sitcom about the lovable and quirky Jaqi Cohen, recent graduate of UAlbany Princeton University!

Jaqi is a scholar and has many hobbies. Some of these include crocheting, sewing, basket making, picture taking, drawing, painting, cooking, swimming, solitaire, calendar design, luging, teaching apes how to speak, surfing, candle making, mixing chemicals and photography.

Jaqi's goal: make friends with every person she's ever seen. That's why she's the Queen!

After moving to Queens, Jaqi gets a taste of New York City living. She spends her day working for advocacy at Queens College Hilary Clinton and her evenings eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and shopping online out on the town!

Jaqi shares an apartment with her best friend and roommate Heather, who went to is from France.

Oui oui!

As a young independent woman, there isn't anything Jaqi can't do! But she does have some trouble looking for love!

Jaqi falls for the debonair Roger McHandsome played by Ryan Gosling.

But Jaqi hardly has time to enjoy her life as her austere and stern boss Mr. Bonilla is always getting in the way making her file copies and actually do her job! Sometimes he'll even make snarky remarks like "Deal with it" when she complains! Yikes!

OH NO NOT MR. BONILLA!!!

 Additionally for full comic relief they added this loser to the show. His name is Brian. He's definitely everyone's least favorite character and he's most likely removed after Season 1.

He's the worst and unfunny.

Life in Queens can be pretty rough and New Girl sure is a shitty show! So why not tune into NBC and watch this fake show I just made up. It's gonna be a great time!

TV Sucks

Look at that picture above. That is a picture of actress Elisha Cuthbert, as Kim Bauer on the primetime series 24. I have no idea who Kim Bauer is, I have never seen an episode of 24, but all I know is I hate her stupid face.

This puts me at odds with my own actual beliefs because typically I'd see a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and as a heterosexual male I'd get excited. But not this picture. Because she's on TV. With that stupid fucking face.

Anyway, I digress. My point is: TV sucks.

Turn it off.

I know what you're thinking, "Yeah you're right, there's so much dumb shit on television. Like MTV and stuff."

No. I'm not just talking about mindless banality like MTV. I get that MTV is meant for the lower-tier of anti-intellects who shoot tires and smoke meth for a living. I'm talking about prime time network shows especially.
 

Nothing good ever came from this.

I've never had any interest in prime time television. Everyone I knew was into one show or an other and I tried my very best to get into things but I just couldn't. For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me. But after spending the last 5 years of my life only watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park I realized that there's nothing wrong with me -- there's something wrong with all of you.

So here are list of some types of TV shows and why they suck:


Crime Dramas

Examples: CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, etc.

Unrealistic portrayals of crime and punishment with marginally original characters almost always staring actors who are in the twilight of their careers. In other words, WORTHLESS.


Highbrow NBC Comedies

Nothin' But Crap haha! Ahh.. I'm the worst...

Examples: Community, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreation

I actually really like The Office and Parks and Recreation, but for the sake of being an asshole I'm gonna lump them in with Community and 30 Rock.

The problem with these shows is that they're one big inside joke for white people to get excited about.
Fans of the show Community will often say something like this:


"Oh did you see Community last night? Yeah they had that one B-list actor make a cameo and they had a reference to something nerdy and NOBODY joked about farting or sex! Hah! I love REFERENCES!"

Community and 30 Rock are shows designed for the children of parents who loved  Frasier and Cheers. It's time to get off your high horse white people. Please.


Lowbrow CBS Comedies

Crap but STYLISH ... wow I really am THE WORST.

Examples: The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, every show that has been on CBS ever

You know when all that shit was going down with Charlie Sheen a year ago, I could not believe how many people really truly loved Two and a Half Men. It's amazing to me how the brain dead portion of America watches primetime on CBS and then at late night has to flip over to NBC to catch Leno. Why don't they just make a channel for all these stupid shows? It could be called the Stupid Neanderthal Network.

During the day SNN would have great shows about who's car is cooler based on who can drive it faster and cooking shows with Paul Deen. At late night it would have shows with washed-up unfunny comedians like Rob Schneider. Then at night The Tonight Show with Jay Leno would be on for six fucking hours.


Critically Acclaimed Dramas

Examples: Anything on AMC or HBO

People always tell me, "Oh you'd love this show!"

Probably not. First of all, if a TV show is an hour in length, it's automatically bad. I don't have time for that shit. I don't care enough to watch characters once a week for an hour and follow their every move.

Here's a great example: The Walking Dead

I've seen almost every episode and you know what would improve this show ten-fold? If it was a half hour long. Nobody gives a shit about the kid so that's 20-minutes of each episode you could lose right there. Cut the foreplay and dramatic elements that each character is going through and that's another 10-minutes. Then boom, you have a half-hour show about people killing zombies. That's all that real fans want to see anyway.

I've tried. I really have, but after about the third episode of every series I start watching, I stop caring. Shows that are an hour in length bore me. I don't give a shit about character development, I don't give a shit plot twists. I don't get impressed by those things. I want to laugh or cry and watch another show after 22 minutes. Is that too much to ask for?


I hate everything.