The True Winners and Losers from the 2012 Election

As the 2012 Election Season comes to an end, it's important to point out who really won last night.

Before I go into further detail I want to make one thing clear for those of you who think I'm some bleeding heart liberal and don't get my political jokes/statesments: I am not a Democrat. I actually hate the Democrats. I think they're ineffective puppets of a much larger system that needs immediate reform. But I will happily support them over the blood-sucking, bible-beating, selfish and greedy Republicans. That being said here is who really lost and won last night.

LOSERS

The Tea Party

In 2010 Tea Party favorites won control of the House of Representatives. But after two years of saying stupid shit like this, and like this, they turned out to be total losers after last night. Here's a hint: The American people are stupid, but not that stupid. Allen West and Joe Walsh will likely get gigs on FOX News and Dancing With The Stars. So all is not lost.

Old White Dudes Who Are Completely Unsympathetic About Rape

Republicans: You know your party is in bad shape when people across the world are saying "Hey, isn't that the 'rape guy'?" and "That's the rapist, right?" and it applies TO MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

For those of you who don't know, Richard Mourdock is the gentleman from Indiana who said that an unwanted pregnancy as the result of a rape is something that "God intended", which is basically the equivalent of saying that murder, genocide, and slavery are also things that "God intended."

He is a dumbass, and lost his election for U.S. Senate.

I have no funny caption for this picture. Just look at the smile.  What a goddamn creep.

The picture above is of Congressman Todd Akin, U.S. Senate candidate from Missouri. This is the man, whom, using science (he must have right?) ascertained that woman could not get pregnant by rape because the female body has a way to "shut that whole thing down."

Since human beings have known since our inception that penis + vagina = baby, he lost his election.

Democrats

You shouldn't be surprised by this. Yes, Obama won reelection. Yes, blah blah blah four more years - The point is there will still be congressional gridlock as the House of Representatives is still controlled by obstructionist Republicans. Good luck getting things passed but hopefully without Tea Party chumps, it will be easier.

WINNERS

Mitt Romney

"AND I would have gotten away with it too! If it weren't for minorities having the right to vote!"

Mitt Romney may have lost the election last night, but he was closer in the popular vote than John McCain was in 2008 against Obama. The reason Mitt Romney is a winner is because he performed much better than people would have expected four years ago. I applaud Mitt Romney for breaking barriers against religious bias in America - there was no way a Mormon could have gone this far in the Presidential Election 10 years ago. However I denounce Romney for pretty much everything else as he turned out to be the guy who would say anything and do anything to become president. Ultimately he lost, but his legacy of being a loser who will shamelessly do anything to become president will live on. Long live Richard Nixon!

Marriage Equality

Last night Maine, Maryland, and Washington all passed legislation to recognize same-sex marriages on the state level. These three states joined a handful or other states in saying that state governments should recognize a union between two adults, regardless of who they like to bang.

Marijuana

Marijuana Legalization was passed last night in Washington and Colorado. This is a huge victory for stone... I mean civil liberties advocates. In any case this is a tremendous opportunity for the people of the United States to rise up and say that we don't need the government to tell us what we can put into our body. More importantly we need the government to recognize that marijuana is no where near as harmful as some legal drugs such as tobacco and alcohol.

Keep in mind that marijuana is still illegal on a federal level - so expect a Supreme Court decision on this in the coming years. Until then, start booking your trips to Aspen.