5 Political Facebook Posts That Need to End

As election season is rearing its ugly head, its important to remember that we're all Americans and that even though we may hate each others opinion, we can still learn to love and tolerate... actually fuck that bullshit.

This is why you're all morons.

5.) Stop Quoting the Founding Fathers

We all admire Thomas Jefferson's prose, George Washington's leadership, and Benjamin Franklin's lust for large breasted women.

"I like 'em big" - Benjamin Franklin

But there come's a time and a place for us to rationalize the context in which they lived, and realize that although they were great leaders and renaissance men, they were also slave holding womanizers.

I'm not against the Founding Fathers. I just find it hypocritical to quote their beliefs on freedom and oppression when they enslaved human beings to the point that it drove our nation into a war.

4.) Stop Talking About How You Want to Vote for a Former President

I understand that Democrats would like to see a return of Bill Clinton and that Republicans would like to see a zombie Reagan-bot rise from the ashes, but let's get real. Reagan is too busy being dead and Clinton is too busy not having sex with Hilary.

Never would I ever.

People want to reelect former presidents not because they actually want these people to hold office, they want to reelect what these presidents represent to them. Which is stupid because that's like saying you wish you could have your first grade teacher be your law school counselor.

3.) Stop Posting Infographics

I understand that bright pictures with graphs, charts, and words mean something to you, but for the rest of us they're an eyesore.

It's unbelievable some of the shit that people believe from infographics. The biggest problem with infographics is they tend to be meaningless and don't actually address important points. Some of them downright lie. For example look at this:

This graph implies many things but none of them are true, and I made all of it up just now.


2.) Stop Talking About How Bothered You Are That People Are Posting Their Opinions

"Wahhh my newsfeed is cluttered with stuff about the election :( I don't like politics because it makes me think!"

Too fucking bad basically. If I have to put up with New York Yankees bullshit every day of every baseball season of my life perhaps it couldn't hurt for people to discuss who they think is going to be the leader of our country for the next four years.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. That's fine though, go ahead post pictures with your stupid fucking significant other and the muffin you ate for breakfast. That's really beneficial for us all.

1.) Stop Saying We Have "No Choice"

This is in reference to the supporters of third party candidates out there and people who don't like either candidates. Look, I get it. We totally don't have great choices. But we have to deal with it, because these are the cards we are dealt. My sentiments can be best described using The Ice Cream Theory.

Solves all problems really.

This is how The Ice Cream Theory works.

You are going to a party with 10 people and you will all be getting ice cream. The only catch is, everyone gets the same flavor. Everybody gets one vote for the flavor they want and the flavor with the most votes wins.

4 people choose vanilla.
4 people choose chocolate.
1 person doesn't choose shit because he's too much of a douchebag to make a decision about anything in his goddamn life so he has everyone else make the decision for him (he will still complain when he doesn't get what he wants though).

So this is it - you are the tie breaking vote.

The problem? You REALLY want Cookies 'N Cream.

You've worked hard at Friendly's scooping ice cream. You know Cookies 'N Cream is clearly the best option for everyone. You know that choosing Cookies 'N Cream would make everyone happy. The only problem is that the vanilla lobby bought off the four friends voting for them and the four people choosing chocolate can't be swayed because they're in the teachers union... WHAT DO YOU DO?!

You could choose Cookies 'N Cream, allowing the party to enjoy boring, plain, fucking vanilla ice cream.

OR you could just go with chocolate. If you go with chocolate, nobody suffers through vanilla. It may not be your ideal choice, but by God, it's good for the country.

And you know what I've always said, "People who don't like chocolate ice cream... are wrong."

"Wait... are you accusing me of being vanilla ice cream? That's just racist."