A little while ago I revealed that during a brief time in my life I was having an affair with Rashida Jones. It seemed completely absurd and unbelievable that I could attract such a woman, so now I offer a story that may be more believable.
Zooey Deschanel
It was the summer of 2010 and my band The Chris Farley Undead Cameo had just finished headlining a show at Radio City Music Hall. While performing on stage to a sold out crowd of wild and crazy fans who were frantically calling my name, I noticed a face in the crowd that looked familiar. It was singer/actress Zooey Deschanel. I was distracted for a moment by her graceful eyes and magnificent smile, but I obviously finished the set flawlessly.
Zooooooooey!
“How you doing boss?” my bodyguard and man servant Eduardo asked.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. Just looking to relax for a bit this evening.” I told Eduardo.
“Sounds good boss. But I gotta ask you a question. I don’t know if you saw but Zooey Deschanel was in the audience tonight. She spoke to me personally and said she’d love to meet you. I know you’re a big fan and all –"
“Yes, stupid! Send her in, send her in!” I shouted.
“Gotcha boss, I’ll send her in.”
Yes, Zooey. Yes.
I heard the knock at the door.
“Come in!” I shouted.
Zooey slid open the door and I felt the aura of her presence light up the room with the color yellow. And a little bit purple. But mostly yellow.
Also a tiny bit red.
“No problem. Anything for a fan. You know I love your work as well?” I told her.
“Really?” Zooey blushed.
“Oh, absolutely.” I said while autographing her record.
“Uh, what is this guy?” I asked while giving her the vinyl, pointing to the man behind her.
“Oh, I’m sorry [laughs]. This is my husband, Ben Gibbard, ya know from Death Cab for Cutie.” Zooey said.
“Hey Brian, great show. Loved it.” Goes to shake my hand. Denied.
Chump.
“Right. Anyway Zooey, I actually saw you in the crowd. I had no idea you were into us. I know you’ve been doing a lot of work with She & Him, but would you be interested in collaborating sometime?” I asked.
Zooey’s glowing blue eyes blew up with ecstasy.
“I’d love to.”
A few days later.
“Brian, I can’t believe you want me to sing this. These lyrics are genius, pure genius. I mean, this is your third song about trying to meet Mark Ruffalo. Most bands don’t even record one!” Zooey exclaimed.
“Oh, I know. Mark’s been in contact with me for sometime right now. He’s been trying to clear his schedule so he can meet me, but I’m far too busy for him lately.” I told Zooey.
“Hmm.” Zooey seemed contemplative.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“No, no… it’s just… ugh. I don’t know if I can sing this. You’re just such a better vocalist than me, Brian. I don’t want to let you down.” Zooey revealed.
“Zooey. Don’t compare yourself to me. Just don’t do it. You’re a completely different talent than I am. I want you on this song goddamnit.”
“It’s not just that…”
“What is it Zooey, anything you want, I’ll do it.”
“Brian. I’m afraid that us working together could lead to… other things.”
“I see.” I knew what she wanted.
“Brian, I’m happily married. Ben is an amazing husband. He offers me so much. But sometimes he’s just so… so—“
“Emo?”
“Yes! Exactly!” Zooey lifted her eyes and stroked her chocolate colored hair and said, “Brian, you inspire me. I want you to make love to me.”
The best.
That was the best day of my life. Zooey and I never worked together again. Her tryst with me was short lived. However, I have received a letter from her regarding The Chris Farley Undead Cameo,
“Brian Lupo,
I don’t know what the hell I was ever thinking.
You guys are seriously the worst band in the world.
Sincerely,
Zooey D.
PS – Your vocals are horrendous.”
I knew she always loved me.
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