A History of Misery: The New York Mets

Baseball season is right around the corner. Opening Day has always been an exciting time for fans of all Major League Baseball teams, except for the Mets of course. What is it about the Mets that make them so pitiful? For what reason do they have to come so close to achieving their goals and then only fail in a spectacular fashion? If you’re a Mets fan like I am, you’re probably asking yourself these questions, along with “Why are they doing this?”, “Can’t they just forfeit the season?”, and “Who the hell is Brad Emaus?”

Well it’s turned out there’s a little known fact that not many people are aware of: Every year since their inception in 1962, the New York Mets have actually completed each season. I know this sounds mind-blowing, but if you do your research it’s accurate. The New York Mets have actually played 162 games, every season. 

Really, every season.

Why? Why would they do that? They suck!

If you are still in disbelief, I have outlined the Mets most notable failures in their existence.

1962-1968: Remember in the late-90’s up until the mid-2000’s when the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (yes, Devil Rays) were by far the most humiliating team in baseball? The same could be said for the Mets during the 1960’s. In fact, in their inaugural season in 1962, the Mets lost 120 games – the most losses by any major league since the 1800’s.

Like this stupid hat, the Mets were also very stupid.

1969: The Mets finished in first place in the NL East, winning 100 games and went on to beat the Baltimore Orioles in the World Series. Physicists, astrologists, time-decoders, along with religious leaders across the globe are still baffled by this true scientific anomaly.

Almost like, "Dewey Defeats Truman", only unbelievably true.

 

1972: Nolan Ryan is traded from the Mets to the Los Angeles Angels. He spends the rest of his career being one of the best pitchers of all time and beating the shit out of Robin Ventura.

1973: The Mets reached the World Series once again because all the other teams in the National League decided to spend the entire summer at Bear Country in Disneyland, which had just opened the previous year. In what would soon become a common theme to Mets fans, they lost the series one game away from beating the Oakland A’s.

Worth missing an entire MLB season.

1977: The Mets traded their ace pitcher and franchise icon, Tom Seaver to the Cincinatti Reds for 200 kilos of cocaine.

Probably had something to do with this guy.

1986: In another unexplained mystery, the New York Mets are the best team in baseball with a 108-54 record. They went on to beat the Boston Red Sox in the World Series, only because some dick couldn’t field a routine ground ball to first base.

Also,  unbelievably true.

1988: The Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series. Many attributed this victory to Dodger’s aces Orel Hershiser and the RoboCop.

He had a really great fastball.

1990s: Some things happened during the 90’s. They had some good players. I think. I dunno. All I can remember is John Olerud wearing that stupid helmet – all the time.

Seriously, why?

2000: The Mets surprise the universe when they beat the New York Yankees in the World Series. It was truly a joyous day for Mets fans everywhere as… Oh wait a second – they lost! On the plus side, Mets fans now have a legitimate reason to hate the Yankees and Yankee fans.

... and a cool promotional logo.

 

2001: During the first professional sporting event to take place in New York after 9/11, Mike Piazza hits the game winning homer against the Atlanta Braves securing a 3-2 victory for the Mets. Immediately following the home run, Osama Bin Laden was captured and the U.S. won the War on Terror.

This is unfortunately not true.

2006-2010: Oh man! What great players! David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Beltran – they even picked up Johan Santana! There’s no way that they’d come close to making the playoffs every single year and then either fuck it up at the end of the season or have literally the worst bullpen in baseball history or even somehow let injuries ruin the team or anything like that. Things like that don’t happen to the Mets…

Misery.

So Mets fans, I hope you’re prepared for the misery again. Remember – the Mets must play. They have to. Even though they shouldn’t.

My Infamous Liaisons with Beautiful Celebrities: Part II

 originally posted to Facebook on March 25, 2011


A little while ago I revealed that during a brief time in my life I was having an affair with Rashida Jones. It seemed completely absurd and unbelievable that I could attract such a woman, so now I offer a story that may be more believable.

Zooey Deschanel

It was the summer of 2010 and my band The Chris Farley Undead Cameo had just finished headlining a show at Radio City Music Hall. While performing on stage to a sold out crowd of wild and crazy fans who were frantically calling my name, I noticed a face in the crowd that looked familiar. It was singer/actress Zooey Deschanel. I was distracted for a moment by her graceful eyes and magnificent smile, but I obviously finished the set flawlessly.

Zooooooooey!

 

While I struggled to get back to my dressing room, pushing away the manic groupies who would wait endlessly just to touch me, I finally made it back inside.

“How you doing boss?” my bodyguard and man servant Eduardo asked.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Just looking to relax for a bit this evening.” I told Eduardo.

“Sounds good boss. But I gotta ask you a question. I don’t know if you saw but Zooey Deschanel was in the audience tonight. She spoke to me personally and said she’d love to meet you. I know you’re a big fan and all –"

“Yes, stupid! Send her in, send her in!” I shouted.

“Gotcha boss, I’ll send her in.”

Yes, Zooey. Yes.

 

While I waited for her arrival, I prepared two Miller High Lifes and poured a bag of Peanut M&M’s into a glass jar that was filled with Rumple Minze from before the show.

I heard the knock at the door.

“Come in!” I shouted.

Zooey slid open the door and I felt the aura of her presence light up the room with the color yellow. And a little bit purple. But mostly yellow.

Also a tiny bit red.

 

“Brian, great show tonight! You really rocked out. I’m so glad I finally get to meet you. I’ve been listening to your stuff since ‘The Ballad of Mr. Freeze’ was released. Do you mind signing my vinyl of ‘The Charlie Sheen Cancer E.P.’?” Zooey asked.

“No problem. Anything for a fan. You know I love your work as well?” I told her.

“Really?” Zooey blushed.

“Oh, absolutely.” I said while autographing her record.

“Uh, what is this guy?” I asked while giving her the vinyl, pointing to the man behind her.

“Oh, I’m sorry [laughs]. This is my husband, Ben Gibbard, ya know from Death Cab for Cutie.” Zooey said.

“Hey Brian, great show. Loved it.” Goes to shake my hand. Denied.

Chump.

“Right. Anyway Zooey, I actually saw you in the crowd. I had no idea you were into us. I know you’ve been doing a lot of work with She & Him, but would you be interested in collaborating sometime?” I asked.

Zooey’s glowing blue eyes blew up with ecstasy.

“I’d love to.”

A few days later.


“Brian, I can’t believe you want me to sing this. These lyrics are genius, pure genius. I mean, this is your third song about trying to meet Mark Ruffalo. Most bands don’t even record one!” Zooey exclaimed.

“Oh, I know. Mark’s been in contact with me for sometime right now. He’s been trying to clear his schedule so he can meet me, but I’m far too busy for him lately.” I told Zooey.

“Hmm.” Zooey seemed contemplative.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“No, no… it’s just… ugh. I don’t know if I can sing this. You’re just such a better vocalist than me, Brian. I don’t want to let you down.” Zooey revealed.

“Zooey. Don’t compare yourself to me. Just don’t do it. You’re a completely different talent than I am. I want you on this song goddamnit.”

“It’s not just that…”

“What is it Zooey, anything you want, I’ll do it.”

“Brian. I’m afraid that us working together could lead to… other things.”

“I see.” I knew what she wanted.

“Brian, I’m happily married. Ben is an amazing husband. He offers me so much. But sometimes he’s just so… so—“

“Emo?”

“Yes! Exactly!”  Zooey lifted her eyes and stroked her chocolate colored hair and said, “Brian, you inspire me. I want you to make love to me.”

The best.

That was the best day of my life. Zooey and I never worked together again. Her tryst with me was short lived. However, I have received a letter from her regarding The Chris Farley Undead Cameo,

“Brian Lupo,
                 I don’t know what the hell I was ever thinking.
                 You guys are seriously the worst band in the world.
                Sincerely,
                  Zooey D.
                PS – Your vocals are horrendous.”

I knew she always loved me.

List of Countries to Bomb (Besides Libya)

As you all know, the United States along with the NATO allies have begun an airstrike on Libya due to Muammar Gaddafi’s attacks on his country’s rebellion. Way to go guys. But why stop there? I took a lot of time to consider what Sarah Palin or Dick Cheney might do in this situation, since they are true American heroes.  Here’s a list of other countries and reasons why they should be bombed.

North Korea

The Kim Jong-il regime is responsible for one of the most totalitarian states in history. Along with the repression of human rights, Kim Jong-il has been attempting a nuclear program for over a decade, presumably for the purpose of attacking South Korea and other allies of the United States. For this, they should be bombed.

South Korea

South Korea is right next to North Korea on the map. Although they are a U.S. ally, you can never be too careful, especially when it comes to proximity. Let’s bomb them.

Vietnam

The United States withdrew troops from Vietnam in the early 1970’s. Why stop now? Why let them think they won a war 40 years ago? Let’s go back and bomb them!

Cambodia

Something happened here, right? Let’s bomb ‘em.

Czech Republic

Bomb it.

Canada

What makes them think its okay for them to account for all the maple syrup distribution in the world? It’s not okay, Canada, and I don’t think America needs to take any of your shit any longer. Bomb ‘em.

Prussia

Prussia is one letter away from being “Russia” and Russia is bad. Bomb it.

Mongolia

Do you feel safe at night knowing that Genghis Khan could pillage your neighborhood at any second? I sure as hell don’t. Let’s bomb it.

Ancient Rome

Hedonism and lechery are both deplorable and strictly forbidden by the Bible. Bomb them.

Portugal

Portugal is just like Spain… only it’s worthless. Bomb’s away!

Zimbabwe

Have we bombed them yet? If we haven’t, we certainly should.

The Bahamas

Oh, yeah, everyone out on the beach having a good time on vacation—BOOM YOU’RE BOMBED.

France

Shiteaters.

Ireland

Traitors.

Tajikistan

Ta-jeck-i-JUST GET BOMBED ALREADY.

India

Why not?

Rwanda

I hated that movie, “Hotel Rwanda.”

Vanuatu

Some island nation you’ve never heard of. Nobody will miss these people. Bomb ‘em.

Burkina Faso

Stupid name.

Belgium

You like waffles? Well how do you like being TOAST. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’RE BOMBED.

That about covers it. If anyone can think of any other country that should be bombed, let me know.

What is a Blog?

Now that I’ve started blogging, I figured it might be a good idea to explain to those reading about blogs, and what the purpose of blogging is. Blogging has been around for quite some time, yet people still seemed to be confused about it. Here’s a quick Q&A I’ve formulated to clear up some confusion.

What is a blog?

A blog is short for a “web log”. A web log is a log, usually made from hickory or oak wood, which is then covered in a web. Like a spider’s web. 

When did blogging start?

The history of blogging is as old as the Internet. Al Gore invented the internet, therefore Al Gore inventing blogging.

Who is a blogger?

A blogger is someone who makes shoes.

Who blogs?

White people.

Where can I find blogs?

You can find blogs using these steps:

- Open up your web browser on your desktop

- In the text toolbar type in www.google.com

- Now you’ve accessed the Google website, awesome!

- On the Google website on the World Wide Web, type into the text toolbar, “blogs” and hit the “enter” key on your keyboard (if you’re using a Mac hit the “return” key!)

- There will be search results! All right!

- These results are called links. Double-click on them to access the blog websites on the World Wide Web! 

What is the purpose of blogging?

The purpose of effective and successful blogging should annoy most and interest few.

What information can I find in a blog?

You can find all sorts of information from reading someone’s blog. Many blogs are personal, like a diary or a journal. There are corporate blogs and blogs for specific genres of music, movies, and arts. Other blogs offer do-it-yourself tips on things such as furnishing, home repair, and cooking. 

Will I find any information like that on your blog?

Nothing you see or read on my blog will help you in in life.

Can I start blogging?

The real question is: Why haven’t you started blogging yet? You are a unique individual, and there are millions of people on the internet who are dying to hear what you have to say about mundane things. What’d you do when you woke up in the morning? Did you eat a sandwich for lunch? How did it make you feel when you ate that sandwich for lunch? People are dying to find out!

I hope this clears up any questions and curiosity regarding blogs. It took a lot of time for me to do this research and I hope it is well appreciated.

My Infamous Liaisons with Beautiful Celebrities: Part I

originally posted to Facebook on March 18, 2011

My Infamous Liaisons with Beautiful Celebrities: Part I

Not many people know this about me, but I’m tired of keeping this secret: I’ve had affairs with some of the most gorgeous women in the world. I know, I know, now it seems obvious. And if you find yourself asking, “Who are these beautiful women?” I’m about to tell you.

Rashida Jones

Rashiiida!

It was sometime during 2006 when I was a writer and a consulting producer for the U.S. version of “The Office”. The show had become a success due to my brash writing style and ingenious way to adapt the show for an American audience. The staff had begun filming Season 3 of the show, and I was introduced to the actress who would be playing Karen Filipelli, Rashida Jones.

“Brian, it’s such a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you from the rest of the staff. I’m really looking forward to putting your talent into action.” Rashida said.

“Oh you’re making me blush, Rashida.” I replied. “The pleasure is mine. You know it’s good to have a new female face to add to this wonderful cast.” [Around this time I had just ended a three month long volatile relationship with Jenna Fischer.]

“Ah thank you so much! It feels like I’ll really be appreciated here.” Rashida stated.

It was at that moment that I saw in her eyes the opportunity. I didn’t even need to ask.

“Listen… what are you doing later? I haven’t spoken much to anyone else here, and I feel like you and I would just… you know… get along.”

She made the move.

“Well I have a courtside ticket to the Lakers game, but I’m sure Kobe won’t mind if I take a rain check on this one. How about [insert name of fancy restaurant that escapes my mind right now]?”

Oh, Rashiiida!

Later that night.

 “…and ever since then, I’ve been terrified of ants!” Rashida laughs as she sips on her fourth glass of merlot.

“Ah yes, ants.” I reply.

“Mhm.” Rashida  swallows the rest of the wine. “So Brian, you have no idea how excited I am to work on The Office. I mean your writing is just… wow.”

“Oh stop. I mean I guess I am pretty good but, it’s just part of my work. Anybody can be a good writer.”

Rashida gazes at me while caressing her wine glass with her index finger.

“How about you teach me…” Rashida smiles and raises her eyebrow.

YEAH RASHIDA!

Even later that night.

Rashida and I are at my beachside LA house. It’s around midnight and she continues to drink merlot (straight out of the bottle) as I teach her the basic tenets of great writing.

“Okay so for example, we’re introducing a new character, Karen.”

“THAT’S ME!” Rashida interjects.

“Right and you know, at some point during the series a relationship is going to spark between your character and Jim.”

“Mmm.” Rashida mumbles and she takes another swig from the bottle.

“Yeah, you know, the writing staff is really looking forward to bringing some of the great aspects of the UK version into the American version. And I think that…”

“But I don’t wanna be in a relationship with Jim.” Rashida interrupts. “I want a relationship to spark between me… and… you.”

I was knocked straight to the floor as Rashida starts furiously making out with me. I pull aside, “You know, it’s just a TV show.” I tell her, while chuckling.

“Mmm. I don’t care.” Rashida with her eyes closed tight laughs and then locks her lips into mine again while pulling me closer.

Fade Out.

And as if paradise could last forever. After that night Rashida began to date her fictional love interest on "The Office", John Krasinski. Now you all know why her character was written off after Season 4…

Cockblocked.

Why Am I Doing This?

It’s been several years now since my Livejournal has been inactive. I actually deleted it about a year or so ago, along with my Myspace page. Most people don’t care about things like that, but I suppose I do. As lame as it sounds, there was a lot on both those sites that were really a part of me: the friends, the comments, the memories, blah blah blah. I’m currently 21-years-old, going on 22. So much has changed since then, but one important aspect has remained the same – I still love writing.

I guess writing has been the one constant in my life. I don’t have many hobbies. I don’t play sports really (and when I did I sucked), I don’t ski or snowboard like most folks from Long Island, I don’t play any instruments (after many failed attempts), but writing is something that I’ve always enjoyed, and from what I’ve heard and what I believe, I’m good at it.

In order to inform you on what this blog will have to offer I think my astrological sign (even though I think astrology is bullshit) says much. Being a Gemini I feel like one side of me is this hilarious person who’s always looking to make others laugh. The other side of me is well… depressing. Anyway, the point of me saying this is because although both sides of my personality are on opposite ends of the spectrum, they still fuel the creative process; I’m looking forward to delivering some great stuff from the comedy and the drama.

I have some exciting things lined up and I hope to update this regularly (at least once a week). 

Cheers,

Brian Lupo