New York is Always the Best

Earlier today this article was posted on Thought Catalog.

As a native New Yorker, I was offended. I grew up in Long Island, went to college upstate, and have worked in New York City. I wasn't going to let this go. So I emailed this guy:
Hey Ben,

I wanted to get in touch with you about your article in Thought Catalog regarding Hurricane Sandy. While I agree with your criticism of the media's coverage of the storm I vehemently disagree with your assessment that New York isn't more important than any other area in the world.

To say that New York is only important because "we" say it is, is like saying that Wayne Gretzy is only the greatest hockey player who ever lived because "we" say he is. Aside from not only being the largest city in the United States, the New York metropolitan area is also the largest in the country - most estimates are around 20 million. So not only is New York the largest metro area by far, it is also the home to the United Nations, eight professional sports teams, three major international airports, 13 media companies, over 30 higher education institutions, and the largest mass transit system in the world.

The reason why I offer you this quantitative data is so when you reiterate that "New York is only important because we say it is" - that won't even began to be an argument.

Additionally, your article plays on this pretentious notion that the media is only covering the "whitest areas" of Lower Manhattan and North Brooklyn (your words, not mine). If you were following any local media in New York (which includes NY1 and News 12) you'd know that there has been extreme concern and attention for those in the Rockaways, Staten Island, and the south shore of Long Island. If you were focused on anything aside from your own arrogance and excitement in writing an article disparaging New York, you wouldn't have written something so blindly untrue. I could go on about how it's extremely unlikely that Harlem's subway system will be out for weeks but I wanted to see why you would come to the conclusion that New York isn't more important as anywhere else.

I wanted to see what qualifies your opinion, and what qualifies you as a writer. I began looking at your other articles on Thought Catalog - "The Importance of Honey Boo Boo" and "A Review of My Pets" seemed enthralling, but not quite the standard I would bare to someone willing to criticize the greatest city in the world.

Hurricane Sandy devastated the Atlantic coast. It was a humbling experience that showed people two things: Nature is stronger than man, and more importantly, we're all this together.

I have the utmost sympathy for anyone who has been affected by natural disasters. Whether it's New Orleans or Jakarta, no one deserves to lose their home, livelihood, or well-being to a storm.

For you to use Hurricane Sandy as an opportunity to criticize New York is not only stupid, it's irresponsible.

Sincerely,
Brian Lupo

 If you agree that New York is the greatest city in the world, and shouldn't have to take shit after a tragedy because this guy's an idiot, tell him so! His Thought Catalog profile is here.

5 Political Facebook Posts That Need to End

As election season is rearing its ugly head, its important to remember that we're all Americans and that even though we may hate each others opinion, we can still learn to love and tolerate... actually fuck that bullshit.

This is why you're all morons.

5.) Stop Quoting the Founding Fathers

We all admire Thomas Jefferson's prose, George Washington's leadership, and Benjamin Franklin's lust for large breasted women.

"I like 'em big" - Benjamin Franklin

But there come's a time and a place for us to rationalize the context in which they lived, and realize that although they were great leaders and renaissance men, they were also slave holding womanizers.

I'm not against the Founding Fathers. I just find it hypocritical to quote their beliefs on freedom and oppression when they enslaved human beings to the point that it drove our nation into a war.

4.) Stop Talking About How You Want to Vote for a Former President

I understand that Democrats would like to see a return of Bill Clinton and that Republicans would like to see a zombie Reagan-bot rise from the ashes, but let's get real. Reagan is too busy being dead and Clinton is too busy not having sex with Hilary.

Never would I ever.

People want to reelect former presidents not because they actually want these people to hold office, they want to reelect what these presidents represent to them. Which is stupid because that's like saying you wish you could have your first grade teacher be your law school counselor.

3.) Stop Posting Infographics

I understand that bright pictures with graphs, charts, and words mean something to you, but for the rest of us they're an eyesore.

It's unbelievable some of the shit that people believe from infographics. The biggest problem with infographics is they tend to be meaningless and don't actually address important points. Some of them downright lie. For example look at this:

This graph implies many things but none of them are true, and I made all of it up just now.


2.) Stop Talking About How Bothered You Are That People Are Posting Their Opinions

"Wahhh my newsfeed is cluttered with stuff about the election :( I don't like politics because it makes me think!"

Too fucking bad basically. If I have to put up with New York Yankees bullshit every day of every baseball season of my life perhaps it couldn't hurt for people to discuss who they think is going to be the leader of our country for the next four years.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. That's fine though, go ahead post pictures with your stupid fucking significant other and the muffin you ate for breakfast. That's really beneficial for us all.

1.) Stop Saying We Have "No Choice"

This is in reference to the supporters of third party candidates out there and people who don't like either candidates. Look, I get it. We totally don't have great choices. But we have to deal with it, because these are the cards we are dealt. My sentiments can be best described using The Ice Cream Theory.

Solves all problems really.

This is how The Ice Cream Theory works.

You are going to a party with 10 people and you will all be getting ice cream. The only catch is, everyone gets the same flavor. Everybody gets one vote for the flavor they want and the flavor with the most votes wins.

4 people choose vanilla.
4 people choose chocolate.
1 person doesn't choose shit because he's too much of a douchebag to make a decision about anything in his goddamn life so he has everyone else make the decision for him (he will still complain when he doesn't get what he wants though).

So this is it - you are the tie breaking vote.

The problem? You REALLY want Cookies 'N Cream.

You've worked hard at Friendly's scooping ice cream. You know Cookies 'N Cream is clearly the best option for everyone. You know that choosing Cookies 'N Cream would make everyone happy. The only problem is that the vanilla lobby bought off the four friends voting for them and the four people choosing chocolate can't be swayed because they're in the teachers union... WHAT DO YOU DO?!

You could choose Cookies 'N Cream, allowing the party to enjoy boring, plain, fucking vanilla ice cream.

OR you could just go with chocolate. If you go with chocolate, nobody suffers through vanilla. It may not be your ideal choice, but by God, it's good for the country.

And you know what I've always said, "People who don't like chocolate ice cream... are wrong."

"Wait... are you accusing me of being vanilla ice cream? That's just racist."

Everyone Should Be Forced To Listen to Metal and Hardcore

I want you to watch this video.

Pop Quiz!

Could you get through 30 seconds of that video?
A) Yes and I liked it
B) No and I'm a fan of Skrillex

If you answered "B" don't be friends with me.

I'm sick of Skrillex and "dubstep" fans who don't listen to metal and hardcore (dubstep is in quotations as I'm using it in the context of shitty electro music post-2009 and not drum and bass inspired UK music).

I hate Skrillex. I've hated Skrillex since he was Sonny Moore from From First to Last. In August of 2004 I went to see The Bled play a show in Amityville. If you don't know who The Bled are you're either too young or you suck. Anyway From First to Last opened for The Bled -- nobody knew who they were, nobody was into it, and they would have gone written off as another emocore band that never made it. Unfortunately about a month later they started getting airplay on MTV and were 10 times bigger then The Bled ever became.

Fast forward about a decade later and the same skinny loser who fronted a shitty pop-punk band with screams becomes the biggest electronic artist this side of Moby and now everyone thinks they're hardcore because they listen to it. Guess what - Skrillex is not hardcore. He is a revolving door of trendy-ness and it won't be long before he starts playing Phillip Glass covers because that's what Hot Topic thinks is cool.

The thing that frustrates me the most about Skrillex fans is how hard and heavy the think they're music is. Bitch, please. I used to get my stomach drop kicked and my nose broke at shows and I wasn't even in the mosh pits. If I ever have a son he will never be allowed to listen to Skrillex. He will listen to Converge, Between the Buried and Me, and Bane. I'm going to take him to shows and encourage that he gets his face blasted every time. If he comes home without a scratch, I'll know I've failed as a parent.

Anyway, my point is you're all sissies. Until you listen to brain smashing metal and hardcore, you're lame. Oh and Skrillex can suck a dick.

Events That Would Make the Olympics Worth Watching

So the 2012 Summer Olympics are right around the corner. That's right, it's that time again for people who like shitty sports and nationalism to come together and PARTY!

Too bad the Olympics suck.

These are some games that would make the Olympics badass and worth watching.

Otter Boxing
Otter vs. Otter - mono y mono otters will battle for the right to the sacred pond. First otter that wins gets the secret to Tililak Valley and can defeat evil weasel King Badra.

Naked Clay Boulder Throwing
Opponents get naked, rub clay all over their bodies, and then throw boulders at each other. There are no teams.

Baseball without the Pitcher
Baseball without the pitcher. Ya know, just standin' around and stuff.

Diving Out of Planes
If not planes, helicopters

Hot Dog Eating Contest
Self explanatory.

Potato Gun Wars
Teams of 5 shoot each other with potatoes. Teams with the least amount of potatoes on them win.

Checkers While Being Screamed at by Some Guy
Regular game of Checkers only the players are screamed at by some guy the whole time.

Robot Fighting/Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots
Hey they made a movie about this! OR if they don't have real robots you could just play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots.

Words With Friends
HA! I like this game.

That about covers it. The Olympics suck.

"Does Anyone Have An iPhone Charger?"

       
   "Does Anyone Have An iPhone Charger?"

One of the most over used questions in our vernacular that I hate because it implies two things:
1) A person uses an iPhone
2) A person is incompetent and can't bring their phone charger around with them

No, I do not have an iPhone charger. I have a Droid charger though which you could use to also charge a Blackberry and pretty much any non-Apple electronic device that was invented post-2008. Sorry, is that not good enough for you? Would you like some Kleenex with Aloe also and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off as well?

I hate iPhones. I had an iPhone for about a year. It was the most patronizing electronic device I've ever used. I hated the settings, the aesthetics, and pretty much everything about it.

"iPhones are so easy! There's an app for that! Haha!"

I hate that shit. Easy my ass. Everything should be difficult for this generation of candy ass losers. You can't log into Facebook without opening your browser on your phone? Tough shit. Nobody cares. Just die.

Also -- bring your fucking charger out with you. Okay? Is that so hard? I hate that excuse -- "my phone died" Your phone died because you didn't try at life. If you had something called a rational thought you'd think ahead and bring your charger with you out places.

I hate iPhones and the people that use them.

New TV Show: The Queen of Queens!

Hey everyone aren't you bored of stupid TV shows that aren't good at all? Why don't you check out this new show about my co-worker Jaqi Cohen. It's called the Queen of Queens!

Everybody Loves Raymond was already taken.

Queen of Queens is a sitcom about the lovable and quirky Jaqi Cohen, recent graduate of UAlbany Princeton University!

Jaqi is a scholar and has many hobbies. Some of these include crocheting, sewing, basket making, picture taking, drawing, painting, cooking, swimming, solitaire, calendar design, luging, teaching apes how to speak, surfing, candle making, mixing chemicals and photography.

Jaqi's goal: make friends with every person she's ever seen. That's why she's the Queen!

After moving to Queens, Jaqi gets a taste of New York City living. She spends her day working for advocacy at Queens College Hilary Clinton and her evenings eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and shopping online out on the town!

Jaqi shares an apartment with her best friend and roommate Heather, who went to is from France.

Oui oui!

As a young independent woman, there isn't anything Jaqi can't do! But she does have some trouble looking for love!

Jaqi falls for the debonair Roger McHandsome played by Ryan Gosling.

But Jaqi hardly has time to enjoy her life as her austere and stern boss Mr. Bonilla is always getting in the way making her file copies and actually do her job! Sometimes he'll even make snarky remarks like "Deal with it" when she complains! Yikes!

OH NO NOT MR. BONILLA!!!

 Additionally for full comic relief they added this loser to the show. His name is Brian. He's definitely everyone's least favorite character and he's most likely removed after Season 1.

He's the worst and unfunny.

Life in Queens can be pretty rough and New Girl sure is a shitty show! So why not tune into NBC and watch this fake show I just made up. It's gonna be a great time!

TV Sucks

Look at that picture above. That is a picture of actress Elisha Cuthbert, as Kim Bauer on the primetime series 24. I have no idea who Kim Bauer is, I have never seen an episode of 24, but all I know is I hate her stupid face.

This puts me at odds with my own actual beliefs because typically I'd see a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and as a heterosexual male I'd get excited. But not this picture. Because she's on TV. With that stupid fucking face.

Anyway, I digress. My point is: TV sucks.

Turn it off.

I know what you're thinking, "Yeah you're right, there's so much dumb shit on television. Like MTV and stuff."

No. I'm not just talking about mindless banality like MTV. I get that MTV is meant for the lower-tier of anti-intellects who shoot tires and smoke meth for a living. I'm talking about prime time network shows especially.
 

Nothing good ever came from this.

I've never had any interest in prime time television. Everyone I knew was into one show or an other and I tried my very best to get into things but I just couldn't. For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me. But after spending the last 5 years of my life only watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park I realized that there's nothing wrong with me -- there's something wrong with all of you.

So here are list of some types of TV shows and why they suck:


Crime Dramas

Examples: CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, etc.

Unrealistic portrayals of crime and punishment with marginally original characters almost always staring actors who are in the twilight of their careers. In other words, WORTHLESS.


Highbrow NBC Comedies

Nothin' But Crap haha! Ahh.. I'm the worst...

Examples: Community, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreation

I actually really like The Office and Parks and Recreation, but for the sake of being an asshole I'm gonna lump them in with Community and 30 Rock.

The problem with these shows is that they're one big inside joke for white people to get excited about.
Fans of the show Community will often say something like this:


"Oh did you see Community last night? Yeah they had that one B-list actor make a cameo and they had a reference to something nerdy and NOBODY joked about farting or sex! Hah! I love REFERENCES!"

Community and 30 Rock are shows designed for the children of parents who loved  Frasier and Cheers. It's time to get off your high horse white people. Please.


Lowbrow CBS Comedies

Crap but STYLISH ... wow I really am THE WORST.

Examples: The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, every show that has been on CBS ever

You know when all that shit was going down with Charlie Sheen a year ago, I could not believe how many people really truly loved Two and a Half Men. It's amazing to me how the brain dead portion of America watches primetime on CBS and then at late night has to flip over to NBC to catch Leno. Why don't they just make a channel for all these stupid shows? It could be called the Stupid Neanderthal Network.

During the day SNN would have great shows about who's car is cooler based on who can drive it faster and cooking shows with Paul Deen. At late night it would have shows with washed-up unfunny comedians like Rob Schneider. Then at night The Tonight Show with Jay Leno would be on for six fucking hours.


Critically Acclaimed Dramas

Examples: Anything on AMC or HBO

People always tell me, "Oh you'd love this show!"

Probably not. First of all, if a TV show is an hour in length, it's automatically bad. I don't have time for that shit. I don't care enough to watch characters once a week for an hour and follow their every move.

Here's a great example: The Walking Dead

I've seen almost every episode and you know what would improve this show ten-fold? If it was a half hour long. Nobody gives a shit about the kid so that's 20-minutes of each episode you could lose right there. Cut the foreplay and dramatic elements that each character is going through and that's another 10-minutes. Then boom, you have a half-hour show about people killing zombies. That's all that real fans want to see anyway.

I've tried. I really have, but after about the third episode of every series I start watching, I stop caring. Shows that are an hour in length bore me. I don't give a shit about character development, I don't give a shit plot twists. I don't get impressed by those things. I want to laugh or cry and watch another show after 22 minutes. Is that too much to ask for?


I hate everything.