The 5 Worst Types of Jeans

Denim Jeans – they're the universal pants. Everyone wears jeans because they say, “hey, I'm cool, and casual” But sometimes jeans betray us. They turn out to be the opposite of cool: lame.

I don't try to pretend to know much about fashion. In my journeys I have seen some inappropriate attire: the hipster I saw in London wearing a marching band jacket and zubaz, adult men in bow ties, and adult men in fedoras. However, I don't think there’s anything worse than a pair of embarrassing jeans. Here are the worst jeans you can wear.

5. JNCO Jeans

JNCO Jeans were popular at some point in the 90's when many young men were either trying to become skateboarders or trying to disappoint their parents. The problem with these is they're hardly pants at all. They're like two dresses connected together to be placed in each leg. JNCO Jeans quickly faded out of popularity, but there seems to be an urge to bring them back. Unless you're planning to be an extra on the set of Clueless, there's no reason to wear these.

4. Elastic Jeans

I used to wear elastic jeans. But then I turned four, and stopped shitting myself. Why would anyone bring this style back? What's so hard about a zipper and a button? In recent years I've seen a huge surge in pants that are trying harder and harder to become sweat pants. That's great. Another thing to make Americans look lazy and have the rest of the world hate us.

3. Jay Leno

Lots of people don't know this but before he became host of The Tonight Show in 1993, Jay Leno was several pairs of dungarees that someone left in an apartment in Anaheim in 1972. The jeans merged together and became sentient. They soon started performing stand-up and the rest is history. Even by casual standards Leno decided that The Tonight Show wasn't enough: he had to wear denim all the time. If you look hard enough at tapes of his monologue you can see the denim spilling out of his suit, begging to be free.

2. Jorts

Well what can I say about jorts that haven't already been said? They're pretty much the most widely known abomination in men's fashion for obvious reasons. Jean shorts exist purely to be ridiculed. There's been lots of debate recently as to when and where it's acceptable to wear jean shorts. Here's the answer: never. It is never OK to wear jean shorts in public. Unless, of course, you are a never-nude.

1. Kirkland Brand Jeans

There's some level of depravity around buying jeans from a grocery store. Sure, we all love Costco Rotisserie Chicken, but pants? The convenience of buying pants at Costco is disturbing for many reasons mostly because there's discount outlets like TJ Maxx and Marshall's in most towns, and most metro areas have affordable and accessible thrift stores. Essentially, if you're really in need, lots of charities provide clothes. So what brings a person to choose to purchase Kirkland brand jeans? What have you done in your past that is so shameful that you can only wear Kirkland brand jeans moving forward? I hope that you can find some healing in your future, and please, stop buying pants from grocery stores.