This Valentine's Day, Things Are Different

A couple of years back I wrote a piece about Valentine’s Day and how it’s a Hallmark Holiday that subjects consumers into frivolous shopping. Nowadays my opinion couldn’t have changed more. I was bitter then and now I can see the truth; Valentine’s Day is a time to express shared, mutual, affectionate love.

STOCK PHOTO LOL!

Last time I wrote about Valentine’s Day I stated that people should buy candy for themselves instead of their significant other. Of course that’s a selfish thing to do, and trust me, if you’re in a relationship, your partner is gonna want some candy.

Yeah? Gonna go with candy on that one?

Be careful with chocolate though. You don’t want to keep feeding that person chocolate because their skin might break out and you don’t want to date someone with zits do you? You definitely don’t because then you’d be a social pariah and everyone would talk about you behind your back. They’d say things like “Oh man that fucking idiot can do so much better – their date is a goddamn FREAK!”

If your Valentine doesn’t like chocolate, that’s okay, that just means they’re a boring person- nothing really wrong with that. Except for the fact you won’t be able to share anything interesting with them because they suck so much. Maybe you should get them Mike and Ike’s.  If your Valentine’s favorite candy is Mike and Ike’s it’s a sure sign they’ll never really do anything great with their life and you should call that person’s parents and ask them politely what they did wrong to produce such a banal child. They were probably big fans of “Twin Peaks” or "The X Files” or some other dull white person show.

The original "White People Problems"

If your partner doesn’t like any candy or chocolate you have two options:

1.) Give up on them and on life in general.

2.) Take them out on a date!

Dates are a good idea because you can get to know a person well by taking them out. The best dates are the ones that are paid for completely, so this is the one instance in society where it is good to be a woman.

Dinner is always a great idea. If you’re anything like me your date will love your jokes during dinner. People always get a laugh after you take a look at the wine menu and you laugh out loud hysterically at yourself wondering how bankruptcy is going to go. When your date asks what you were laughing at just say it was you were thinking of a funny joke. When they ask what the joke was, just tell them it was a dick joke. 

This is funny.

Everyone thinks dick jokes are funny, except for German people, and that’s only because they’re smarter than everyone else and therefore don’t find things like penises and poop funny. Also they’re still getting over that whole Nazi thing so everything is “too soon” with them.

If dinner isn’t your forte, take your date out for a movie. You should never pick the movie. Let your date pick the movie. This will give you an accurate scale of how you can judge them as a person. For example: if they want to see a comedy directed by David Wain, the filmmaker behind Role Models and the cult classic Wet Hot American Summer then they’re a keeper. If they want to see a comedy starring Vince Vaughn that means they actually don’t know anything about comedy and probably have some sort of fungal infection.

Vince Vaughn should be killed.

If they’re interested in seeing anything besides a comedy, then fuck them basically.

If your date wants to go do something adventurous like skiing or mountain climbing and you oblige, you’re clearly a better person than I am. I would never put up with that shit. Who the hell wants to go skiing when you can stay home and play Street Fighter X Tekken? Oh you don’t know what “Tekken” is? Well then you can forget about us ever dating because that’s all I’m going to do when that game comes out. You could date me if you don’t mind watching me play that every day. And making me dinner. And doing my laundry. And letting me order you around… all the time.

Starting March 2012 this is the only thing that matters to me.

Happy goddamn Valentine’s Day…  I guess.