First Annual: BRIANS Award!

The 85th Annaul Academy Award nominees have just been released, and I have to say for another year in a row, it just doesn't cut it.

So now I present to you the First Annual "Best Results In A Non-Documentary Story" Awards or the Brian's!

Haha! That's me, terrfic!

Best Movie NO BODY FUCKING HEARD OF To Be Nominated for An Oscar

The winner is: Beasts of the Southern Wild

I assumed this movie was about alligators in Louisiana. Turns out it kind of is, but is more about some lame kid who gets lost. Or something. Who gives a shit.

Runner-up: Amour

This movie is of course about "Armour" because that's how they say/spell "Armor" in Britain. Only the "m" and the "r" are reversed. It's French or something.

Best Shithead to Actually Get Nominated For An Oscar

The winner is: Ben Affleck, Argo

Ben Affleck finally did it. He finally resurrected his career. Good for him. But I won't let the world forget "Gigli".

Runner-up: Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook

Aside from being man-loved by Michael Ian Black in Wet Hot American Summer, Bradley Cooper has kind of all seemed like a total douche-bag on screen.  It sucks he was good in this.

Best Superhero Flick

The winner is: The Dark Knight Rises

Dear Christopher Nolan: please do not be a George Lucas. You are the one fantasy director not to totally screw up an entire trilogy. Don't blow it.

Runner-up: The Avengers

I really just love Mark Ruffalo.

Best Comedy

The winner is: Sleepwalk With Me

Mike Birbiglia turned his one man show into an honest, original film about his struggle with sleep disorders.

Runner-up: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2

The fact that you can even name a movie "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2" is comical to me.

Best Oscar Snub

The winner is: Leonardo DiCaprio as Calvin Candie, Django Unchained

Sure he was a pretty boy in Titanic, but Leo actually deserved an Oscar for this one.

Runner-up: The Master

You gotta love a movie that's secretly about Scientology.

Best Action Flick

The winner is: Skyfall

Bond was back with a bang this year. I think this was the most I've ever been on the edge of my seat in a theater. Also, Javier Bardem is just so good at playing psychopaths.

Runner-up: Looper

With a nicely crafted original script, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis surprisingly make a great duo.

Best Actor Who Didn't Make Any List Besides This But Fuck You, Who Cares?

The winner is: Tom Hardy as Bane, The Dark Knight Rises

You know The Joker is legendary, but I will make sure no one ever forgets that Bane was the only Batman villain to ever really have Gotham City by the balls. It was a great overall portrayal by Tom Hardy.

Runner-up: Samuel L. Jackson as Stephen, Django Unchained

Without a doubt this movie had some unlikable villains. But I don't think Jackson got enough credit as the unscrupulous sidekick to Leonardo DiCaprio's Calvin Candie.

Best Actress Who's Actually Really Talented But Also Incredibly Good-looking In Scantly Clad Leather Suits

The winner: Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle, The Dark Knight Rises

I have a new found love for Catwoman.

Runner-up: Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, The Avengers

Scarlett Johansson makes me feel like a 14-year-old boy again. I'm not worthy.

Best Director To Not Get Nominated For a "Best Director" Oscar Again (Which Is Total Fucking Bullshit)

The winner: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained

How does this man not have a Best Director Oscar yet? Madness.

Runner-up: Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight Rises

Unfortunately the Academy is far too bourgeoisie to ever nominate a super hero movie for anything.

The "I Promise You Will Like This Movie, It Was My Favorite All Year" Award

The winner: Lincoln

The most talented actor of all time playing the greatest American president of all time? Doesn't get much better.

Runner-up: Skyfall

I never thought I'd like a Bond movie this much. But it really was that good.


That about covers it. If you aren't happy with my list that probably means you don't like Batman, Quentin Tarantino or Abraham Lincoln. In which case you must be a communist.

Over and out.

-Brian Lupo

The 10 Worst People of 2012

 Sometimes people suck. It's inevitable. It's going to happen. You're going to see the news and some shitty person is going to be doing something so ridiculously dumb that it makes you stop and look around for a while and think, "Wow some people are the worst."

Celebrities and public figures can ruin headlines for a year. Here, ranked, are the worst.

10.) Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher has no talent. That's been pretty clear. But what you didn't know is that Ashton Kutcher is also a moron.

Kutcher made headlines this year for starring in commercials dressed in brownface. Yes, brownface is a term we are now using, because of this.

Look at that picture and realize that this wasn't for a movie, this wasn't for a telivision show, this was for a fucking potato chip commercial.

9.) LIPA

As someone from Long Island, I never thought that the rest of the country would know about LIPA - but here we are.

After Hurricane Sandy devastated the Mid-Atlantic, all of Long Island's power grid was in shambles.

Even with out-of-state-workers and FEMA to assist in fixing the damage, it still took LIPA weeks to pick up the pieces, as they failed to do an efficient job getting people back into the light.

Thanks assholes.

8.) Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh pissed off a whole bunch of people this year when he joked about a female audience member saying, "Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by, like, five guys right now?"

Comedians often get away with joking about rape. Sometimes its helpful for people to laugh about tragedies, or sometimes they can find the audience that appreciates dark humor.

But this wasn't dark humor. It was just Tosh kind of acting like a frat boy dick.

7.) Patrice Wilson

You may not know who Patrice Wilson is. That is a good thing. But you very likely know this song.

Yes, that hip hop dude from the "Friday" video struck back. And this time with "Thanksgiving."

What the hell is wrong with this guy?  Who the hell wants to see music videos like this? Even children HATE it.

Patrice Wilson: if you somehow stumble upon this writing, PLEASE for the love of all things good, stop making music videos. They are horrendous, embarrassing, and will likely ruin these young girls' lives.

6.) Angus T. Jones

You know, every so often a famous child television star turns out to be a religious lunatic. So is the fate of Angus T. Jones.

Jon Cryer didn't make the top ten.

In this video below Jones tells us to stop watching "Two and a Half Men" and calls the show "filth."

I agree that "Two and a Half Men" is filth. Not for morals reasons, but because it sucks. And I would have no problem with Angus T. Jones saying this -- if he wasn't making over $300,000 per episode.

So Angus (who the hell names their kid "Angus" anyway?), you can redeem yourself. Get "Two and a Half Men" off the air and promise we will never hear from you again.

5.) Claire Danes

I don't really know anything about "Homeland"; I've never seen an episode nor do I care to. But it was wildly popular this year.

Claire Danes, who stars on "Homeland", has an annoying face. That's all. That's all I have to say about her. Her face annoys me.

4.) George Lucas

Okay, George Lucas is an asshole - we know this. But he fulfilled his mandate to join the asshole Hall of Fame by selling Star Wars to Disney.

What the fuck? Disney is not allowed to own Star Wars if they already own Marvel. That's a bunch of bullshit. Disney does not get to start a monopoly on all things that are cool. But Lucas is an ass for giving them the okay. It's like he doesn't even value any of our childhoods anymore.

I hate you George Lucas.

3.) Rick Santorum

Someone had to take the fall for the glorious failure of the United States Republican Party this year. Romney failed to take the White House but, thankfully we still had entertainment.

AMERICA!

The fall guy has to be Rick Santorum. There is no one who greater represents the backward philosophy of the Republicans greater than Santorum when he is in all his glory.

These are some things he believes about: gay people, pornography, the environment, healthcare, birth control, and social security.

"I have no shame" - Rick Santorum, loser

The people of Pennsylvania did the right thing in 2006 by giving this guy the boot, but his legacy will lie in his perverted judgement of social reality in 2012.

2.) The Kony 2012 Guy

I'm not talking about ruthless African warlord, Jospeh Kony. I'm talking about the guy who made the Kony 2012 video, Jason Russell.

ugh.

 There's nothing more annoying than a white American activist trying to make people aware of social issues in Africa. Not that Americans shouldn't do anything to help, but the last thing we need is some pious piece-of-shit asshole telling us why we should care through a 30-minute Youtube video.

We get it, you're into charity.

The best thing that happened to this guy was when he got caught jerking off in San Diego almost immediately after this video became popular. It was like God was watching from the heavens and was just like, "Man I kind of want to humiliate this guy."

1.) That one guy who yelled at me

Following Hurricane Sandy there was a gas shortage in New York.

I was making a right turn onto a main road in my town, when suddenly I realized I ended up on a mile long line for gas. This was not my intention; but as soon as I could signal to drive into the left lane, a maniac driver from behind started screaming at me.

"YOU CUT ME! YOU CUT ME! I WAS HERE FIRST" the moron shouted.

I assured him, as best as I could, that I intended to get off the line as I was on the line by accident.

He didn't stop screaming.

"I WAS HERE FIRST! I WAS HERE FIRST MOVE" he screamed while honking as many times as possible.

It wasn't until a police officer arrived quickly and allowed me to get cut into the left lane that I was free from his rage.

But why? I literally did nothing to this man. Why was getting gas quicker that much more important to him?

Then I realized that his man, this stupid fuck, is everything that is wrong with society. He yelled at me, because he thought he wasn't going to get what he wanted. He had no idea who I was, or what I was doing, or the fact that I was about to leave the line - he just screamed at me anyway.

This guy was a cry baby douche bag. There was no reason he had to yell at me because he thought he wasn't going to get gas as quickly as he thought he would. I hope this guy rots in hell.

15 Things That Will Remind You of the Past LOL!

Boy, I sure do love Buzzfeed. I really can't get enough of people posting images of stuff from the 90's and turning my legitimate nostalgia into absolute apathy. I also love not having to read anything more than one paragraph long. I like looking at pictures better.

 In order to tribute the great people at Buzzfeed for all their intellectual genius I've decided to dedicate this blog post to them.

Here are 15 Things That Will Remind You of the Past! Ha!

15. John McEnroe!

He used to be a tennis CRAZY man. But now he's just a funny guy!

14. Lite-Brite!

Tons of fun to watch your sailboat "lite" up but not so much fun cleaning up after! AH!

13. Dial-Up Internet

Yeah, and we complain about Wi-Fi nowadays - but remember this >.< !

12. Chernobyl Disaster

The impact of nuclear radiation and toxic contamination is still being investigated today.

11. Duck Tales

The show was great, but remember the movies! What a gas!

10. TV's that looked like this 0_0

What are the antennaes for? Connection to outerspace?

9. Dunkaroos

Never... enough... frosting!

8. Starter Jackets

Isn't it theCharlotte Bobcats? The Hornets? That team DOESN'T EVEN EXIST >.>

7. Rice Krispies Treats Cereal

Umm.. why don't they make this anymore again?

6. Joel Rifkin

Between 1989-1993 Joel Rifkin went on a mass murder spree. We may never know how many people he killed.

5. Hulk Hogan

HULKAMANIA!

4. Old School Nintendo

This was the Japanese version. Famicom - short for FAMILY COMPUTER! HAHA!

3. Joey Lawrence

One word - WOAH!

2. Push Pops

Totally cooler than Ring pops!

1. L.A. Riots

We sure did get some great hip hop music out of this one huh?!

That about covers it. Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me. Thanks Buzzfeed!

*note: All content, images, words, sentences and emoticons are not property of Buzzfeed or the author and have no creative meaning or purpose whatsoever.

The True Winners and Losers from the 2012 Election

As the 2012 Election Season comes to an end, it's important to point out who really won last night.

Before I go into further detail I want to make one thing clear for those of you who think I'm some bleeding heart liberal and don't get my political jokes/statesments: I am not a Democrat. I actually hate the Democrats. I think they're ineffective puppets of a much larger system that needs immediate reform. But I will happily support them over the blood-sucking, bible-beating, selfish and greedy Republicans. That being said here is who really lost and won last night.

LOSERS

The Tea Party

In 2010 Tea Party favorites won control of the House of Representatives. But after two years of saying stupid shit like this, and like this, they turned out to be total losers after last night. Here's a hint: The American people are stupid, but not that stupid. Allen West and Joe Walsh will likely get gigs on FOX News and Dancing With The Stars. So all is not lost.

Old White Dudes Who Are Completely Unsympathetic About Rape

Republicans: You know your party is in bad shape when people across the world are saying "Hey, isn't that the 'rape guy'?" and "That's the rapist, right?" and it applies TO MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

For those of you who don't know, Richard Mourdock is the gentleman from Indiana who said that an unwanted pregnancy as the result of a rape is something that "God intended", which is basically the equivalent of saying that murder, genocide, and slavery are also things that "God intended."

He is a dumbass, and lost his election for U.S. Senate.

I have no funny caption for this picture. Just look at the smile.  What a goddamn creep.

The picture above is of Congressman Todd Akin, U.S. Senate candidate from Missouri. This is the man, whom, using science (he must have right?) ascertained that woman could not get pregnant by rape because the female body has a way to "shut that whole thing down."

Since human beings have known since our inception that penis + vagina = baby, he lost his election.

Democrats

You shouldn't be surprised by this. Yes, Obama won reelection. Yes, blah blah blah four more years - The point is there will still be congressional gridlock as the House of Representatives is still controlled by obstructionist Republicans. Good luck getting things passed but hopefully without Tea Party chumps, it will be easier.

WINNERS

Mitt Romney

"AND I would have gotten away with it too! If it weren't for minorities having the right to vote!"

Mitt Romney may have lost the election last night, but he was closer in the popular vote than John McCain was in 2008 against Obama. The reason Mitt Romney is a winner is because he performed much better than people would have expected four years ago. I applaud Mitt Romney for breaking barriers against religious bias in America - there was no way a Mormon could have gone this far in the Presidential Election 10 years ago. However I denounce Romney for pretty much everything else as he turned out to be the guy who would say anything and do anything to become president. Ultimately he lost, but his legacy of being a loser who will shamelessly do anything to become president will live on. Long live Richard Nixon!

Marriage Equality

Last night Maine, Maryland, and Washington all passed legislation to recognize same-sex marriages on the state level. These three states joined a handful or other states in saying that state governments should recognize a union between two adults, regardless of who they like to bang.

Marijuana

Marijuana Legalization was passed last night in Washington and Colorado. This is a huge victory for stone... I mean civil liberties advocates. In any case this is a tremendous opportunity for the people of the United States to rise up and say that we don't need the government to tell us what we can put into our body. More importantly we need the government to recognize that marijuana is no where near as harmful as some legal drugs such as tobacco and alcohol.

Keep in mind that marijuana is still illegal on a federal level - so expect a Supreme Court decision on this in the coming years. Until then, start booking your trips to Aspen.