First Annual: BRIANS Award!

The 85th Annaul Academy Award nominees have just been released, and I have to say for another year in a row, it just doesn't cut it.

So now I present to you the First Annual "Best Results In A Non-Documentary Story" Awards or the Brian's!

Haha! That's me, terrfic!

Best Movie NO BODY FUCKING HEARD OF To Be Nominated for An Oscar

The winner is: Beasts of the Southern Wild

I assumed this movie was about alligators in Louisiana. Turns out it kind of is, but is more about some lame kid who gets lost. Or something. Who gives a shit.

Runner-up: Amour

This movie is of course about "Armour" because that's how they say/spell "Armor" in Britain. Only the "m" and the "r" are reversed. It's French or something.

Best Shithead to Actually Get Nominated For An Oscar

The winner is: Ben Affleck, Argo

Ben Affleck finally did it. He finally resurrected his career. Good for him. But I won't let the world forget "Gigli".

Runner-up: Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook

Aside from being man-loved by Michael Ian Black in Wet Hot American Summer, Bradley Cooper has kind of all seemed like a total douche-bag on screen.  It sucks he was good in this.

Best Superhero Flick

The winner is: The Dark Knight Rises

Dear Christopher Nolan: please do not be a George Lucas. You are the one fantasy director not to totally screw up an entire trilogy. Don't blow it.

Runner-up: The Avengers

I really just love Mark Ruffalo.

Best Comedy

The winner is: Sleepwalk With Me

Mike Birbiglia turned his one man show into an honest, original film about his struggle with sleep disorders.

Runner-up: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2

The fact that you can even name a movie "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2" is comical to me.

Best Oscar Snub

The winner is: Leonardo DiCaprio as Calvin Candie, Django Unchained

Sure he was a pretty boy in Titanic, but Leo actually deserved an Oscar for this one.

Runner-up: The Master

You gotta love a movie that's secretly about Scientology.

Best Action Flick

The winner is: Skyfall

Bond was back with a bang this year. I think this was the most I've ever been on the edge of my seat in a theater. Also, Javier Bardem is just so good at playing psychopaths.

Runner-up: Looper

With a nicely crafted original script, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis surprisingly make a great duo.

Best Actor Who Didn't Make Any List Besides This But Fuck You, Who Cares?

The winner is: Tom Hardy as Bane, The Dark Knight Rises

You know The Joker is legendary, but I will make sure no one ever forgets that Bane was the only Batman villain to ever really have Gotham City by the balls. It was a great overall portrayal by Tom Hardy.

Runner-up: Samuel L. Jackson as Stephen, Django Unchained

Without a doubt this movie had some unlikable villains. But I don't think Jackson got enough credit as the unscrupulous sidekick to Leonardo DiCaprio's Calvin Candie.

Best Actress Who's Actually Really Talented But Also Incredibly Good-looking In Scantly Clad Leather Suits

The winner: Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle, The Dark Knight Rises

I have a new found love for Catwoman.

Runner-up: Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, The Avengers

Scarlett Johansson makes me feel like a 14-year-old boy again. I'm not worthy.

Best Director To Not Get Nominated For a "Best Director" Oscar Again (Which Is Total Fucking Bullshit)

The winner: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained

How does this man not have a Best Director Oscar yet? Madness.

Runner-up: Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight Rises

Unfortunately the Academy is far too bourgeoisie to ever nominate a super hero movie for anything.

The "I Promise You Will Like This Movie, It Was My Favorite All Year" Award

The winner: Lincoln

The most talented actor of all time playing the greatest American president of all time? Doesn't get much better.

Runner-up: Skyfall

I never thought I'd like a Bond movie this much. But it really was that good.


That about covers it. If you aren't happy with my list that probably means you don't like Batman, Quentin Tarantino or Abraham Lincoln. In which case you must be a communist.

Over and out.

-Brian Lupo