Here Are Some Movies That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

I truly enjoy getting people annoyed when I make fun of their interests. I think talking about movies is a great way to annoy people. Before I get into talking about these shitty movies, I'd just like to say this enry is a  different than my previous one. Unlike my last article, in which I insulted certain actions (most of which I've never tried), I've seen all these movies at least once, some of them multiple times.

The truth is, every movie I describe, I wanted to enjoy. A more accurate title for this entry should be "I Was Disappointed In These Movies" but for the sake of being a dick I'm just going to say that I hate them.

Fuck you.

The Notebook

Watching The Notebook for the first time was an experience that I'll never forget. I was  15-years-old at the time and everyone I had spoke to who had seen The Notebook could not stop talking about how moved they were by it. The reason I'll never forget watching this is because once the movie was over I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid everyone was for loving it so much.

Why you like it:
Sentimental, Love Story, American Values, True Love, etc.

Why it sucks:
Corny, Predictable, Unoriginal, Fucking lame

Okay let me clarify something real quick -- I am a sucker for romance. It's true. I love sentimental shit to the point that it's bad. For example 500 Days of Summer, Garden State, and The Breakfast Club are three of my favorite movies. But it's almost embarrassing how overly sentimental The Notebook is. This movie is so corny that it makes most soap operas blush.

Plot: This idiot wrote this chick letters every day while he was at war.  She didn't respond because her shitty rich family hid the letters and didn't want her dating Ryan Gosling because he probably shined shoes for a living or some shit. She gets married to James Marsten and it's the 1950's and one day Ryan Gosling comes back, and they kiss in the rain and everything is good until they get dementia. Then they find out they still love each other and someone throws a plate. Then they die together.

 I couldn't think of a more predictable plot. Maybe this movie would be good if it wasn't blatantly obvious that the old lady had dementia and was being told her own goddamn life story. But it was so obvious. If you didn't guess then that I feel sorry for you. You're probably one of those people who's favorite snack is low fat yogurt and you read Better Homes and Gardens. Ugh you're the worst.

2001: A Space Odyssey

Stanley Kubrick is probably the greatest director of all time. He was truly a cinematic genius who knew exactly how to visualize moments into breathtaking intensity. His films are a testament that movie-making is more than just production, it's an art.

2001: A Space Odyssey is sometimes regarded as his best-film by people who like boring movies.

Why you like it:
 Symbolic, Ominous, Aesthetics, Cinematography


Why it sucks:
Nothing happens.

Seriously, nothing happens in this movie. My film professor once tried telling me that he thought that "There's a lot going on." I then proceeded to tell him that "Yeah, but the first 20 minutes is just apes."

He had nothing to say.


Plot: There's a bunch of apes for 20 minutes (By the way there isn't anything cool about these apes. Unlike Congo where a bunch of silver-back gorillas go on a rampage, these apes are a bunch of pussies.) Then there's this block. It's supposed to mean something, but you don't know. There's a space ship with some guys and a computer that gets jealous of them and bitches and moans. Then there's a bathroom. And then there's a fetus.

Simply put this movie relies on nothing but symbolism. It's one thing for a movie to use symbolism but 2001 has a purposeless plot. Kubrick uses symbolism in all of his films but at least his others have substance. For example, Full Metal Jacket has murder and Eyes Wide Shut has tits. 2001: A Space Odyssey just has ape tits. Lame.


Lawrence of Arabia

Most people reading this blog have probably never seen Lawrence of Arabia but I can guarantee your dad has seen it. It's pretty much the most "Dad movie" ever.

Why you like it:
Ensemble Cast, Considered an epic, History value, War Movie (kind of)


Why it sucks:
It's 3 and a half hours about a guy in the desert.

This movie is supposedly a minute longer than Gone With the Wind making it the longest Best Picture Oscar winner. So basically, this movie is fucking long.


Plot: Colonial British people are in the Arab peninsula, causing trouble and making people miserable as usual. T.E. Lawrence is nicer to Arabic people than most other colonial Brits. Nothing else to say really, just... colonial.

Basically this movie is 3 hours of foreplay between British dudes and maybe a half hour of fighting. And that's being generous. Essentially this movie is an ADHD person's worst nightmare.


The Boondock Saints

Out all the movies I've listed so far, only The Boondock Saints was a complete flop when it was first released. However due to word of mouth, The Boondock Saints became a cult sensation and was able to produce a sequel.

Why people like it:
Action, Suspense, Badass Characters


Why it sucks:
Tries to be a Quentin Tarrantino/Martin Scorcese movie, Shitty acting, Boring ethnic stereotypes with terrible accents, Stupid Premise

I guess I would think The Boondock Saints was good if I was 10-years-old and had never seen Goodfellas or Pulp Fiction before. But I'm 22 and I like both those movies, so The Boondock Saints sucks.

Plot: Two Irish brothers decide to take crime into their own hands. They clean up the streets of Boston by killing known criminals. Eventually their behavior becomes investigated and they have to fight off their enemies and the FBI.

Think about what I just wrote there for a second. The main characters in the movie, who are supposed to be good guys, decide to fight crime by killing people. Just think about that. The good guys in this movie go on killing sprees and it's supposed to be okay just because they're killing criminals. Yeah, I get it, they're vigilantes, but even in The Punisher the vigilante/hero kills criminals because his family was murdered. These dudes are doing it because they killed off some Russian mob guys in self-defense, so they decide to take on everyone else as well just.. because.

So right there the premise is defeated. Add poorly scripted ethnic dudes with unknown accents, Willem Dafoe in drag, and 110 minutes of screaming and you have a pretty shitty movie.

Wedding Crashers

All of the above movies I've listed, I really do think are shitty. However, I can't think of a movie that I hate with as much tenacity and emotion as Wedding Crashers.

Every now and then a comedy is released that is enormous that I don't think is as funny as everyone else does. For example, I thought The Hangover was funny but I didn't think it was as hilarious as the rest of the world. Wedding Crashers set a new standard though. I saw it once in my life. I didn't laugh once. I wanted everyone in the movie to die.


I despise this movie.

Why you think it's funny:
Sex jokes


Why it sucks:
It stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, the plot could have been thought up by a fucking 12-year-old

 I can't stand movies that rely only on sex jokes. Seriously, we get it, someone is trying to get laid. Hilarious. If the American Pie franchise taught us anything, its that sex jokes can get tired and tried and eventually just turn into "watch what this idiot is going to do next!" jokes. They're the lowest-common-denominator of jokes. Even dick jokes by themselves can go much further and can be way more inventive then "guy trying to get laid" jokes.


Plot: Two assholes crash wedding parties in hopes of having one-night stands. This time around though, they get sort of stuck around and these girls are CRAZY!

That's it. That's the fucking plot of the movie. Nothing else. That's it. What substance is there? Well, we get to see Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson be jerks and I'm pretty sure someone get's knocked over during a touch football game.

Wedding Crashers is everything that's wrong with comedy. It's not even so much that I hate Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, because I certainly do. But regardless of the lead roles this is the quintessential comedy for people who don't know comedy. In short -- it's basic. Nothing happens in Wedding Crashers that can't be seen in any other R-rated comedy. There's nothing ground breaking and certainly no noteworthy performances.

One of the worst things about this movie is that it introduced "stage-five clinger" into the pop-culture lexicon. As if it means anything else besides "clinger". It doesn't. If you think it does, you're a moron, and you should go get bent. God, I hate this movie.

Here Are Some Things That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

Here are some things that people do that I hate. Most of which I have not tried, I have no interest in trying, and will most likely never try. If you do any of these things, then you suck.

Driving Stick

I drive a 2001 Subaru Outback. It is forest green. I love it more than I love people in my life. Owning this car is one of the most glorious things that's ever happened to me. People love my car, and I recently had someone leave a note on it with a phone number requesting that I call them if I wish to sell it (this is true). I promptly called that person and they were very dismayed when I screamed into the phone "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE" (not true). And you know what? I never would have gotten it if it was a manual.

This is real. Envy me, shitty Civic drivers.

What you say:
"You totally have more control and a better feel. It's just more fun!"


What I hear:
"I like doing more work to make myself appear cool!"


What is the appeal of driving a stick shift car? I have never heard an opinion that even sounded vaguely reasonable.


I can't understand, in 2012, why stick shifts are still popular. We live in a society that thrives on convenience, yet people still inconvenience themselves because they like holding a goddamn joystick while they drive. And I hate that term "better feel" - what does that even mean, "better feel"? Every time I've been in a stick I felt like I was going to vomit. I don't get it. Cars are cool because they look fucking cool, not because of who drives them,  and not because of how they're driven. If cars were cool because of who drove them, than hipsters would love NASCAR not ironically.

And I've heard the line "UR JUST JELAS THAT U CANT DRIVE STIK LOL"
Yeah and I'm also jealous that I can't assemble furniture or do my own taxes. It totally has nothing to do with the fact that I just don't give a shit. Idiots.

On a side note here's a little anecdote. I was at a party a couple of years back and after flirting with this girl from Indiana all night she told me she just got a new car that was a stick shift. I told her "I don't know how to drive stick." After I told her this she was alarmed, "I don't believe in guys who don't drive stick!"

Indiana: So much to offer... really.

Yeah well I believe in me, bitch. And believe me when I say that driving stick is for rednecks and guys with small dicks.

Skiing

I decided a long time ago when my body was able to feel the exterior world that I did not like to be cold. I'm not sure when exactly I decided this but it was probably around the same time I exited the womb and was fucking freezing.

I liked being inside this thing better.

I never liked the cold. I remember being a kid and my shitty neighbors would always want to play in the sprinkler as soon as it was warm outside. I would always cringe as the cold water would hit me. I hated those times.

Anyway I decided that I hated being cold so much that I made a choice not to subject myself to cold weather... unless it was going to a school in Upstate New York.

They tortured me by putting the snack machine outside. Bastards.

What you say:
"Can't wait to hit the slopes today! Hell yeah! Hitting that powder! Woo! Words!"


What I hear:
"I like falling into cold things that might inadvertently slip between my jacket and get stuck right around my neck and be unpleasant."


I guess it's too much to ask to be comfortable most of the time and not want to fall down things.

Also who the hell in their right mind wants to look like this?

The thought of falling down a mountain into freezing cold snow and then have that snow get anywhere near me sounds great if I want to hate my life all the time. And don't say sliding. Nobody slides down a mountain. As Woody from Toy Story put it, it's "falling with style".

Woody - teaching children cynicism since 1995

Skiing blows.



Owning Guns

This title might imply that I hate guns; that is not true. Like every true American man I think guns are cool and certainly purposeful.

Teddy's gun was totally for show. He killed oxen with his bare hands on a daily basis.

What you say:
"They're trying to take my gun away!"

What I hear:
"Hmm... well yeah out of the thousands of problems that are plaguing the American people today I guess the one that matters most to me is being able to purchase a weapon that shoots projectiles for the purpose of killing."

I hate this obsession that exists about owning a gun and all the rights associated with it. I don't think there's anything less manly than a grown adult whining and complaining about how some shithead politician somewhere is "trying to take my gun away."

Thankfully not a politician anymore.

Oh they're trying to take your gun away? How about all the HOMES that were taken away in foreclosures in the last year?

I will give a gun rights activist respect the second they drop the whole Second Amendment diatribe and fight for a cause that's worth fighting for.

And as for the paranoid bullshit "WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT TAKES ALL THE GUNS AWAY AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH?" Yeah well if that's the case learn how to use a katana and fight your enemies like a real man instead of shooting from ten feet away like a coward.

 Uma Thurman - more of a man than most men.

I hate all of you.

A Memorial to Michael Peggs

I’m going to admit that I’m unable to write a traditional introduction in memorial to my friend Michael Peggs. He was far too dimensional to be described in just one paragraph.

And as there are dozens of memorable stories I could tell about him, all of which detail how smart, funny, and unique he was, I’d like to stick to just one.

It was my junior year at Cortland and I was in Rose’s apartment as usual. I’ve forgotten exactly what I was discussing with Peggs, but he started to state some facts that were from a biography about Ty Cobb.

Because I knew Peggs wasn’t the biggest fan of Major League Baseball, and because baseball history is a hobby of mine, I called him out on this.

I said, “Peggs, you don’t like baseball. What are you reading about Ty Cobb for?”

He looked at me defiantly.

He said, “Because – I like to read. I want to gain knowledge. It’s important to me.”

It was in that moment I knew that I had missed the point. Michael Peggs was one of the few people in this world who sought after knowledge regardless of the subject matter.

Ever since that conversation there was not a quality of Michael’s that I admired more than his intellect.

It was Michael’s pursuit for truth and knowledge that led to his commitment to social justice. And I can say – with full certainty – that I would not be where I am today if I had not known Michael.

It was a few years back now, in a tiny apartment in Cortland, New York that Rose Donnelly convinced me to work for advocacy because she assured me that I’d be working with my friend, Michael Peggs.

As I recognize and accept this tragic loss I just have to say, “Thank you.  Thank you for inspiring me with your wisdom. Thank you for being so funny that I still laugh out loud at your jokes.  And more than anything else thank you so much Michael Peggs, for leading me in the direction that I’m in today. Your quest for truth, knowledge, and social justice lives on in every one of us, and we will never forget you.”

Rest in peace Michael Peggs

This Valentine's Day, Things Are Different

A couple of years back I wrote a piece about Valentine’s Day and how it’s a Hallmark Holiday that subjects consumers into frivolous shopping. Nowadays my opinion couldn’t have changed more. I was bitter then and now I can see the truth; Valentine’s Day is a time to express shared, mutual, affectionate love.

STOCK PHOTO LOL!

Last time I wrote about Valentine’s Day I stated that people should buy candy for themselves instead of their significant other. Of course that’s a selfish thing to do, and trust me, if you’re in a relationship, your partner is gonna want some candy.

Yeah? Gonna go with candy on that one?

Be careful with chocolate though. You don’t want to keep feeding that person chocolate because their skin might break out and you don’t want to date someone with zits do you? You definitely don’t because then you’d be a social pariah and everyone would talk about you behind your back. They’d say things like “Oh man that fucking idiot can do so much better – their date is a goddamn FREAK!”

If your Valentine doesn’t like chocolate, that’s okay, that just means they’re a boring person- nothing really wrong with that. Except for the fact you won’t be able to share anything interesting with them because they suck so much. Maybe you should get them Mike and Ike’s.  If your Valentine’s favorite candy is Mike and Ike’s it’s a sure sign they’ll never really do anything great with their life and you should call that person’s parents and ask them politely what they did wrong to produce such a banal child. They were probably big fans of “Twin Peaks” or "The X Files” or some other dull white person show.

The original "White People Problems"

If your partner doesn’t like any candy or chocolate you have two options:

1.) Give up on them and on life in general.

2.) Take them out on a date!

Dates are a good idea because you can get to know a person well by taking them out. The best dates are the ones that are paid for completely, so this is the one instance in society where it is good to be a woman.

Dinner is always a great idea. If you’re anything like me your date will love your jokes during dinner. People always get a laugh after you take a look at the wine menu and you laugh out loud hysterically at yourself wondering how bankruptcy is going to go. When your date asks what you were laughing at just say it was you were thinking of a funny joke. When they ask what the joke was, just tell them it was a dick joke. 

This is funny.

Everyone thinks dick jokes are funny, except for German people, and that’s only because they’re smarter than everyone else and therefore don’t find things like penises and poop funny. Also they’re still getting over that whole Nazi thing so everything is “too soon” with them.

If dinner isn’t your forte, take your date out for a movie. You should never pick the movie. Let your date pick the movie. This will give you an accurate scale of how you can judge them as a person. For example: if they want to see a comedy directed by David Wain, the filmmaker behind Role Models and the cult classic Wet Hot American Summer then they’re a keeper. If they want to see a comedy starring Vince Vaughn that means they actually don’t know anything about comedy and probably have some sort of fungal infection.

Vince Vaughn should be killed.

If they’re interested in seeing anything besides a comedy, then fuck them basically.

If your date wants to go do something adventurous like skiing or mountain climbing and you oblige, you’re clearly a better person than I am. I would never put up with that shit. Who the hell wants to go skiing when you can stay home and play Street Fighter X Tekken? Oh you don’t know what “Tekken” is? Well then you can forget about us ever dating because that’s all I’m going to do when that game comes out. You could date me if you don’t mind watching me play that every day. And making me dinner. And doing my laundry. And letting me order you around… all the time.

Starting March 2012 this is the only thing that matters to me.

Happy goddamn Valentine’s Day…  I guess.

Rick Perry is the Stupidest Person to Have Ever Run for President

Last week Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, decided to drop out of the running for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I can finally say, with full certainty, that Rick Perry is legitimately the stupidest person to have ever seriously run for president. Think about that for a second. Within the last year we’ve seen incredibly fucking dumb people attempt to run for president. Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and even Donald Trump ran for president this year alone; Rick Perry is stupider than all of them. Now I’m not talking about silly third-party candidates who have run for president. I’m talking about people who legitimately had a chance to run, debate other candidates, and promote themselves extensively in the mainstream media. Rick Perry is the stupidest person in American history to have ever done this.

In August, the moment Perry entered the race, he was leading the polls. He was the conservatives answer to Obama. One part John Wayne, one part Chuck Norris, and one part Geoge W. Bush Ronald Reagan. 

Really glad I get to use this picture of the Gimper.. Gipper ...Whatever... again.

Then all he had to do was speak and everyone realized how much of an ignorant mother fucker he was.

See what happened there? The numbers go down after he talks to people about things.

I could go on for a long while about how he doesn’t know basic math, geography, or English. But what all I have to do is examine his stance on one issue: pissing on corpses.

That’s right. Rick Perry is not in favor of condemning U.S. soldiers who urinated on dead bodies.

"Obviously, 18-, 19-year-old kids make stupid mistakes all too often. And that's what's occurred here," Perry stated. 

I don’t know about Rick Perry but when I was 18 and 19 I thought that peeing on a person was more than just a mistake. I also knew that pissing on a dead person’s body might be seen as, I don't know, disrespectful. Rick Perry is the man who criticized openly gay people serving in the military, but does not condemn soldiers who desecrate corpses by urinating on them.

Obviously there have been stupid people with brash ideas enter politics before. But I think a statement like that would make even Sarah Palin blush.  What business does this man have being the governor of a state when he believes that urinating on a corpse is teenage mistake? What the hell kind of person could run an entire state who has beliefs this stupid? Which brings me to my next point: fuck Texas.

Several years ago Perry mentioned the possibility of Texas seceding from the Union and there was no backlash from his constituents in Texas for saying something so stupid. I’m from New York and if Governor Cuomo said anything even close to as moronic you better believe his ass would be grass. 

"Hey guys... I really sure hope you all like me."

Good, let Texas secede. A state that produced George W. Bush and Rick Perry is what’s holding America back. This isn’t a political issue – it’s an intelligence one. All you have to do is do a Google search of either of these two idiots and it’ll be saturated with videos of them making dumbass remarks. It’s an embarrassment. I don’t want people from other countries seeing that shit, and making America as a whole look bad.

So Rick Perry, have fun going back to being the leader of the great state of Texas. Just keep in mind that the rest of the country now knows that you’re a moron.

Potential Celebrity Baby Names

Today Beyonce gave birth to Jay-Z’s child. 

...why

 The child was named “Blue Ivy” which is interesting mostly because it’s fucking weird. Celebrities are known for naming their babies strange things. It’s like when a celebrity has a kid it’s a competition to see who can name their child the stupidest thing.  I was hoping that Jay-Z and Beyonce would drop this trend, but I was wrong. Since there are dozens of other celebrity couples out there about to have babies (probably) and therefore will be allowed to name them (unfortunately), I’ve compiled a list of what we can expect in the future.

 

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt 

in addition to Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne, we can also expect a few others…

Dadaby Lima Bean Pitt

Jemijkooh Felix-Kyle Pitt

Anus Pitt

 

Victoria and David Beckham

in addition to Brooklyn Joseph, Romeo James, Cruz David, and Harper Seven we can also expect…

Allison Soccer-BallHead Fernando Alejandro Beckham

Mincemeat Liverwurst Bernadette Nicholas Beckham

Victor Beckham

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady

I really don’t understand where Gisele and Brady get off naming their only child something normal like “Benjamin”, what they should be naming their children are things like…

Asshat Brady

 

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw

apparently these people have a couple of kids. Too lazy to find out what their names are but they should be named…

Dirty McGraw

Fisty McGraw

Quick-Draw McGraw

 

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale

On the right is an actual pregnant woman. On the left is an actual femine hygiene product.

the couple already has Kingston James McGregor Rossdale and Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale but why not introduce…

Truman Gooby-De-Gop Rossdale

Bleebop Blibbity Blop Rossdale

Goopy De-Dop-Skee-Boop Poop-Pa-Poop Rossdale

 

Heidi Klum and Seal

apparently this couple has a few children with incredibly ordinary German names like “Henry” and “Johan” -- Let’s switch it up a bit…

Grumpy Klum

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemburger Luger Klum

Walrus

 

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

this is the couple that named their child “Apple Blythe Alison Martin” so I was thinking of a similar theme

Orange You-Glad-I-Didn’t-Say-Banana Martin

Pomegranate Sweet Tits Martin

Steamy Williams

 

Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger 

this couple had a couple of kids and divorced years ago but if they ever had another kid it’d probably be named…

Shitfuck Pencil-Dick Johnson Baldwin