Here Are Some Things That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

Here are some things that people do that I hate. Most of which I have not tried, I have no interest in trying, and will most likely never try. If you do any of these things, then you suck.

Driving Stick

I drive a 2001 Subaru Outback. It is forest green. I love it more than I love people in my life. Owning this car is one of the most glorious things that's ever happened to me. People love my car, and I recently had someone leave a note on it with a phone number requesting that I call them if I wish to sell it (this is true). I promptly called that person and they were very dismayed when I screamed into the phone "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE" (not true). And you know what? I never would have gotten it if it was a manual.

This is real. Envy me, shitty Civic drivers.

What you say:
"You totally have more control and a better feel. It's just more fun!"


What I hear:
"I like doing more work to make myself appear cool!"


What is the appeal of driving a stick shift car? I have never heard an opinion that even sounded vaguely reasonable.


I can't understand, in 2012, why stick shifts are still popular. We live in a society that thrives on convenience, yet people still inconvenience themselves because they like holding a goddamn joystick while they drive. And I hate that term "better feel" - what does that even mean, "better feel"? Every time I've been in a stick I felt like I was going to vomit. I don't get it. Cars are cool because they look fucking cool, not because of who drives them,  and not because of how they're driven. If cars were cool because of who drove them, than hipsters would love NASCAR not ironically.

And I've heard the line "UR JUST JELAS THAT U CANT DRIVE STIK LOL"
Yeah and I'm also jealous that I can't assemble furniture or do my own taxes. It totally has nothing to do with the fact that I just don't give a shit. Idiots.

On a side note here's a little anecdote. I was at a party a couple of years back and after flirting with this girl from Indiana all night she told me she just got a new car that was a stick shift. I told her "I don't know how to drive stick." After I told her this she was alarmed, "I don't believe in guys who don't drive stick!"

Indiana: So much to offer... really.

Yeah well I believe in me, bitch. And believe me when I say that driving stick is for rednecks and guys with small dicks.

Skiing

I decided a long time ago when my body was able to feel the exterior world that I did not like to be cold. I'm not sure when exactly I decided this but it was probably around the same time I exited the womb and was fucking freezing.

I liked being inside this thing better.

I never liked the cold. I remember being a kid and my shitty neighbors would always want to play in the sprinkler as soon as it was warm outside. I would always cringe as the cold water would hit me. I hated those times.

Anyway I decided that I hated being cold so much that I made a choice not to subject myself to cold weather... unless it was going to a school in Upstate New York.

They tortured me by putting the snack machine outside. Bastards.

What you say:
"Can't wait to hit the slopes today! Hell yeah! Hitting that powder! Woo! Words!"


What I hear:
"I like falling into cold things that might inadvertently slip between my jacket and get stuck right around my neck and be unpleasant."


I guess it's too much to ask to be comfortable most of the time and not want to fall down things.

Also who the hell in their right mind wants to look like this?

The thought of falling down a mountain into freezing cold snow and then have that snow get anywhere near me sounds great if I want to hate my life all the time. And don't say sliding. Nobody slides down a mountain. As Woody from Toy Story put it, it's "falling with style".

Woody - teaching children cynicism since 1995

Skiing blows.



Owning Guns

This title might imply that I hate guns; that is not true. Like every true American man I think guns are cool and certainly purposeful.

Teddy's gun was totally for show. He killed oxen with his bare hands on a daily basis.

What you say:
"They're trying to take my gun away!"

What I hear:
"Hmm... well yeah out of the thousands of problems that are plaguing the American people today I guess the one that matters most to me is being able to purchase a weapon that shoots projectiles for the purpose of killing."

I hate this obsession that exists about owning a gun and all the rights associated with it. I don't think there's anything less manly than a grown adult whining and complaining about how some shithead politician somewhere is "trying to take my gun away."

Thankfully not a politician anymore.

Oh they're trying to take your gun away? How about all the HOMES that were taken away in foreclosures in the last year?

I will give a gun rights activist respect the second they drop the whole Second Amendment diatribe and fight for a cause that's worth fighting for.

And as for the paranoid bullshit "WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT TAKES ALL THE GUNS AWAY AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH?" Yeah well if that's the case learn how to use a katana and fight your enemies like a real man instead of shooting from ten feet away like a coward.

 Uma Thurman - more of a man than most men.

I hate all of you.