The truth is, every movie I describe, I wanted to enjoy. A more accurate title for this entry should be "I Was Disappointed In These Movies" but for the sake of being a dick I'm just going to say that I hate them.
Fuck you.
The Notebook
Watching The Notebook for the first time was an experience that I'll never forget. I was 15-years-old at the time and everyone I had spoke to who had seen The Notebook could not stop talking about how moved they were by it. The reason I'll never forget watching this is because once the movie was over I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid everyone was for loving it so much.
Why you like it:
Sentimental, Love Story, American Values, True Love, etc.
Why it sucks:
Corny, Predictable, Unoriginal, Fucking lame
Okay let me clarify something real quick -- I am a sucker for romance. It's true. I love sentimental shit to the point that it's bad. For example 500 Days of Summer, Garden State, and The Breakfast Club are three of my favorite movies. But it's almost embarrassing how overly sentimental The Notebook is. This movie is so corny that it makes most soap operas blush.
Plot: This idiot wrote this chick letters every day while he was at war. She didn't respond because her shitty rich family hid the letters and didn't want her dating Ryan Gosling because he probably shined shoes for a living or some shit. She gets married to James Marsten and it's the 1950's and one day Ryan Gosling comes back, and they kiss in the rain and everything is good until they get dementia. Then they find out they still love each other and someone throws a plate. Then they die together.
I couldn't think of a more predictable plot. Maybe this movie would be good if it wasn't blatantly obvious that the old lady had dementia and was being told her own goddamn life story. But it was so obvious. If you didn't guess then that I feel sorry for you. You're probably one of those people who's favorite snack is low fat yogurt and you read Better Homes and Gardens. Ugh you're the worst.
2001: A Space Odyssey
Stanley Kubrick is probably the greatest director of all time. He was truly a cinematic genius who knew exactly how to visualize moments into breathtaking intensity. His films are a testament that movie-making is more than just production, it's an art.
2001: A Space Odyssey is sometimes regarded as his best-film by people who like boring movies.
Why you like it:
Symbolic, Ominous, Aesthetics, Cinematography
Why it sucks:
Nothing happens.
Seriously, nothing happens in this movie. My film professor once tried telling me that he thought that "There's a lot going on." I then proceeded to tell him that "Yeah, but the first 20 minutes is just apes."
He had nothing to say.
Plot: There's a bunch of apes for 20 minutes (By the way there isn't anything cool about these apes. Unlike Congo where a bunch of silver-back gorillas go on a rampage, these apes are a bunch of pussies.) Then there's this block. It's supposed to mean something, but you don't know. There's a space ship with some guys and a computer that gets jealous of them and bitches and moans. Then there's a bathroom. And then there's a fetus.
Simply put this movie relies on nothing but symbolism. It's one thing for a movie to use symbolism but 2001 has a purposeless plot. Kubrick uses symbolism in all of his films but at least his others have substance. For example, Full Metal Jacket has murder and Eyes Wide Shut has tits. 2001: A Space Odyssey just has ape tits. Lame.
Lawrence of Arabia
Most people reading this blog have probably never seen Lawrence of Arabia but I can guarantee your dad has seen it. It's pretty much the most "Dad movie" ever.
Ensemble Cast, Considered an epic, History value, War Movie (kind of)
Why it sucks:
It's 3 and a half hours about a guy in the desert.
This movie is supposedly a minute longer than Gone With the Wind making it the longest Best Picture Oscar winner. So basically, this movie is fucking long.
Plot: Colonial British people are in the Arab peninsula, causing trouble and making people miserable as usual. T.E. Lawrence is nicer to Arabic people than most other colonial Brits. Nothing else to say really, just... colonial.
Basically this movie is 3 hours of foreplay between British dudes and maybe a half hour of fighting. And that's being generous. Essentially this movie is an ADHD person's worst nightmare.
The Boondock Saints
Out all the movies I've listed so far, only The Boondock Saints was a complete flop when it was first released. However due to word of mouth, The Boondock Saints became a cult sensation and was able to produce a sequel.
Why people like it:
Action, Suspense, Badass Characters
Why it sucks:
Tries to be a Quentin Tarrantino/Martin Scorcese movie, Shitty acting, Boring ethnic stereotypes with terrible accents, Stupid Premise
I guess I would think The Boondock Saints was good if I was 10-years-old and had never seen Goodfellas or Pulp Fiction before. But I'm 22 and I like both those movies, so The Boondock Saints sucks.
Plot: Two Irish brothers decide to take crime into their own hands. They clean up the streets of Boston by killing known criminals. Eventually their behavior becomes investigated and they have to fight off their enemies and the FBI.
Think about what I just wrote there for a second. The main characters in the movie, who are supposed to be good guys, decide to fight crime by killing people. Just think about that. The good guys in this movie go on killing sprees and it's supposed to be okay just because they're killing criminals. Yeah, I get it, they're vigilantes, but even in The Punisher the vigilante/hero kills criminals because his family was murdered. These dudes are doing it because they killed off some Russian mob guys in self-defense, so they decide to take on everyone else as well just.. because.
So right there the premise is defeated. Add poorly scripted ethnic dudes with unknown accents, Willem Dafoe in drag, and 110 minutes of screaming and you have a pretty shitty movie.
Wedding Crashers
All of the above movies I've listed, I really do think are shitty. However, I can't think of a movie that I hate with as much tenacity and emotion as Wedding Crashers.
Every now and then a comedy is released that is enormous that I don't think is as funny as everyone else does. For example, I thought The Hangover was funny but I didn't think it was as hilarious as the rest of the world. Wedding Crashers set a new standard though. I saw it once in my life. I didn't laugh once. I wanted everyone in the movie to die.
I despise this movie.
Why you think it's funny:
Sex jokes
Why it sucks:
It stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, the plot could have been thought up by a fucking 12-year-old
I can't stand movies that rely only on sex jokes. Seriously, we get it, someone is trying to get laid. Hilarious. If the American Pie franchise taught us anything, its that sex jokes can get tired and tried and eventually just turn into "watch what this idiot is going to do next!" jokes. They're the lowest-common-denominator of jokes. Even dick jokes by themselves can go much further and can be way more inventive then "guy trying to get laid" jokes.
Plot: Two assholes crash wedding parties in hopes of having one-night stands. This time around though, they get sort of stuck around and these girls are CRAZY!
That's it. That's the fucking plot of the movie. Nothing else. That's it. What substance is there? Well, we get to see Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson be jerks and I'm pretty sure someone get's knocked over during a touch football game.
Wedding Crashers is everything that's wrong with comedy. It's not even so much that I hate Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, because I certainly do. But regardless of the lead roles this is the quintessential comedy for people who don't know comedy. In short -- it's basic. Nothing happens in Wedding Crashers that can't be seen in any other R-rated comedy. There's nothing ground breaking and certainly no noteworthy performances.
One of the worst things about this movie is that it introduced "stage-five clinger" into the pop-culture lexicon. As if it means anything else besides "clinger". It doesn't. If you think it does, you're a moron, and you should go get bent. God, I hate this movie.
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