"Does Anyone Have An iPhone Charger?"

       
   "Does Anyone Have An iPhone Charger?"

One of the most over used questions in our vernacular that I hate because it implies two things:
1) A person uses an iPhone
2) A person is incompetent and can't bring their phone charger around with them

No, I do not have an iPhone charger. I have a Droid charger though which you could use to also charge a Blackberry and pretty much any non-Apple electronic device that was invented post-2008. Sorry, is that not good enough for you? Would you like some Kleenex with Aloe also and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off as well?

I hate iPhones. I had an iPhone for about a year. It was the most patronizing electronic device I've ever used. I hated the settings, the aesthetics, and pretty much everything about it.

"iPhones are so easy! There's an app for that! Haha!"

I hate that shit. Easy my ass. Everything should be difficult for this generation of candy ass losers. You can't log into Facebook without opening your browser on your phone? Tough shit. Nobody cares. Just die.

Also -- bring your fucking charger out with you. Okay? Is that so hard? I hate that excuse -- "my phone died" Your phone died because you didn't try at life. If you had something called a rational thought you'd think ahead and bring your charger with you out places.

I hate iPhones and the people that use them.

New TV Show: The Queen of Queens!

Hey everyone aren't you bored of stupid TV shows that aren't good at all? Why don't you check out this new show about my co-worker Jaqi Cohen. It's called the Queen of Queens!

Everybody Loves Raymond was already taken.

Queen of Queens is a sitcom about the lovable and quirky Jaqi Cohen, recent graduate of UAlbany Princeton University!

Jaqi is a scholar and has many hobbies. Some of these include crocheting, sewing, basket making, picture taking, drawing, painting, cooking, swimming, solitaire, calendar design, luging, teaching apes how to speak, surfing, candle making, mixing chemicals and photography.

Jaqi's goal: make friends with every person she's ever seen. That's why she's the Queen!

After moving to Queens, Jaqi gets a taste of New York City living. She spends her day working for advocacy at Queens College Hilary Clinton and her evenings eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and shopping online out on the town!

Jaqi shares an apartment with her best friend and roommate Heather, who went to is from France.

Oui oui!

As a young independent woman, there isn't anything Jaqi can't do! But she does have some trouble looking for love!

Jaqi falls for the debonair Roger McHandsome played by Ryan Gosling.

But Jaqi hardly has time to enjoy her life as her austere and stern boss Mr. Bonilla is always getting in the way making her file copies and actually do her job! Sometimes he'll even make snarky remarks like "Deal with it" when she complains! Yikes!

OH NO NOT MR. BONILLA!!!

 Additionally for full comic relief they added this loser to the show. His name is Brian. He's definitely everyone's least favorite character and he's most likely removed after Season 1.

He's the worst and unfunny.

Life in Queens can be pretty rough and New Girl sure is a shitty show! So why not tune into NBC and watch this fake show I just made up. It's gonna be a great time!

TV Sucks

Look at that picture above. That is a picture of actress Elisha Cuthbert, as Kim Bauer on the primetime series 24. I have no idea who Kim Bauer is, I have never seen an episode of 24, but all I know is I hate her stupid face.

This puts me at odds with my own actual beliefs because typically I'd see a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and as a heterosexual male I'd get excited. But not this picture. Because she's on TV. With that stupid fucking face.

Anyway, I digress. My point is: TV sucks.

Turn it off.

I know what you're thinking, "Yeah you're right, there's so much dumb shit on television. Like MTV and stuff."

No. I'm not just talking about mindless banality like MTV. I get that MTV is meant for the lower-tier of anti-intellects who shoot tires and smoke meth for a living. I'm talking about prime time network shows especially.
 

Nothing good ever came from this.

I've never had any interest in prime time television. Everyone I knew was into one show or an other and I tried my very best to get into things but I just couldn't. For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me. But after spending the last 5 years of my life only watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park I realized that there's nothing wrong with me -- there's something wrong with all of you.

So here are list of some types of TV shows and why they suck:


Crime Dramas

Examples: CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, etc.

Unrealistic portrayals of crime and punishment with marginally original characters almost always staring actors who are in the twilight of their careers. In other words, WORTHLESS.


Highbrow NBC Comedies

Nothin' But Crap haha! Ahh.. I'm the worst...

Examples: Community, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreation

I actually really like The Office and Parks and Recreation, but for the sake of being an asshole I'm gonna lump them in with Community and 30 Rock.

The problem with these shows is that they're one big inside joke for white people to get excited about.
Fans of the show Community will often say something like this:


"Oh did you see Community last night? Yeah they had that one B-list actor make a cameo and they had a reference to something nerdy and NOBODY joked about farting or sex! Hah! I love REFERENCES!"

Community and 30 Rock are shows designed for the children of parents who loved  Frasier and Cheers. It's time to get off your high horse white people. Please.


Lowbrow CBS Comedies

Crap but STYLISH ... wow I really am THE WORST.

Examples: The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, every show that has been on CBS ever

You know when all that shit was going down with Charlie Sheen a year ago, I could not believe how many people really truly loved Two and a Half Men. It's amazing to me how the brain dead portion of America watches primetime on CBS and then at late night has to flip over to NBC to catch Leno. Why don't they just make a channel for all these stupid shows? It could be called the Stupid Neanderthal Network.

During the day SNN would have great shows about who's car is cooler based on who can drive it faster and cooking shows with Paul Deen. At late night it would have shows with washed-up unfunny comedians like Rob Schneider. Then at night The Tonight Show with Jay Leno would be on for six fucking hours.


Critically Acclaimed Dramas

Examples: Anything on AMC or HBO

People always tell me, "Oh you'd love this show!"

Probably not. First of all, if a TV show is an hour in length, it's automatically bad. I don't have time for that shit. I don't care enough to watch characters once a week for an hour and follow their every move.

Here's a great example: The Walking Dead

I've seen almost every episode and you know what would improve this show ten-fold? If it was a half hour long. Nobody gives a shit about the kid so that's 20-minutes of each episode you could lose right there. Cut the foreplay and dramatic elements that each character is going through and that's another 10-minutes. Then boom, you have a half-hour show about people killing zombies. That's all that real fans want to see anyway.

I've tried. I really have, but after about the third episode of every series I start watching, I stop caring. Shows that are an hour in length bore me. I don't give a shit about character development, I don't give a shit plot twists. I don't get impressed by those things. I want to laugh or cry and watch another show after 22 minutes. Is that too much to ask for?


I hate everything.

Here Are Some Movies That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

I truly enjoy getting people annoyed when I make fun of their interests. I think talking about movies is a great way to annoy people. Before I get into talking about these shitty movies, I'd just like to say this enry is a  different than my previous one. Unlike my last article, in which I insulted certain actions (most of which I've never tried), I've seen all these movies at least once, some of them multiple times.

The truth is, every movie I describe, I wanted to enjoy. A more accurate title for this entry should be "I Was Disappointed In These Movies" but for the sake of being a dick I'm just going to say that I hate them.

Fuck you.

The Notebook

Watching The Notebook for the first time was an experience that I'll never forget. I was  15-years-old at the time and everyone I had spoke to who had seen The Notebook could not stop talking about how moved they were by it. The reason I'll never forget watching this is because once the movie was over I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid everyone was for loving it so much.

Why you like it:
Sentimental, Love Story, American Values, True Love, etc.

Why it sucks:
Corny, Predictable, Unoriginal, Fucking lame

Okay let me clarify something real quick -- I am a sucker for romance. It's true. I love sentimental shit to the point that it's bad. For example 500 Days of Summer, Garden State, and The Breakfast Club are three of my favorite movies. But it's almost embarrassing how overly sentimental The Notebook is. This movie is so corny that it makes most soap operas blush.

Plot: This idiot wrote this chick letters every day while he was at war.  She didn't respond because her shitty rich family hid the letters and didn't want her dating Ryan Gosling because he probably shined shoes for a living or some shit. She gets married to James Marsten and it's the 1950's and one day Ryan Gosling comes back, and they kiss in the rain and everything is good until they get dementia. Then they find out they still love each other and someone throws a plate. Then they die together.

 I couldn't think of a more predictable plot. Maybe this movie would be good if it wasn't blatantly obvious that the old lady had dementia and was being told her own goddamn life story. But it was so obvious. If you didn't guess then that I feel sorry for you. You're probably one of those people who's favorite snack is low fat yogurt and you read Better Homes and Gardens. Ugh you're the worst.

2001: A Space Odyssey

Stanley Kubrick is probably the greatest director of all time. He was truly a cinematic genius who knew exactly how to visualize moments into breathtaking intensity. His films are a testament that movie-making is more than just production, it's an art.

2001: A Space Odyssey is sometimes regarded as his best-film by people who like boring movies.

Why you like it:
 Symbolic, Ominous, Aesthetics, Cinematography


Why it sucks:
Nothing happens.

Seriously, nothing happens in this movie. My film professor once tried telling me that he thought that "There's a lot going on." I then proceeded to tell him that "Yeah, but the first 20 minutes is just apes."

He had nothing to say.


Plot: There's a bunch of apes for 20 minutes (By the way there isn't anything cool about these apes. Unlike Congo where a bunch of silver-back gorillas go on a rampage, these apes are a bunch of pussies.) Then there's this block. It's supposed to mean something, but you don't know. There's a space ship with some guys and a computer that gets jealous of them and bitches and moans. Then there's a bathroom. And then there's a fetus.

Simply put this movie relies on nothing but symbolism. It's one thing for a movie to use symbolism but 2001 has a purposeless plot. Kubrick uses symbolism in all of his films but at least his others have substance. For example, Full Metal Jacket has murder and Eyes Wide Shut has tits. 2001: A Space Odyssey just has ape tits. Lame.


Lawrence of Arabia

Most people reading this blog have probably never seen Lawrence of Arabia but I can guarantee your dad has seen it. It's pretty much the most "Dad movie" ever.

Why you like it:
Ensemble Cast, Considered an epic, History value, War Movie (kind of)


Why it sucks:
It's 3 and a half hours about a guy in the desert.

This movie is supposedly a minute longer than Gone With the Wind making it the longest Best Picture Oscar winner. So basically, this movie is fucking long.


Plot: Colonial British people are in the Arab peninsula, causing trouble and making people miserable as usual. T.E. Lawrence is nicer to Arabic people than most other colonial Brits. Nothing else to say really, just... colonial.

Basically this movie is 3 hours of foreplay between British dudes and maybe a half hour of fighting. And that's being generous. Essentially this movie is an ADHD person's worst nightmare.


The Boondock Saints

Out all the movies I've listed so far, only The Boondock Saints was a complete flop when it was first released. However due to word of mouth, The Boondock Saints became a cult sensation and was able to produce a sequel.

Why people like it:
Action, Suspense, Badass Characters


Why it sucks:
Tries to be a Quentin Tarrantino/Martin Scorcese movie, Shitty acting, Boring ethnic stereotypes with terrible accents, Stupid Premise

I guess I would think The Boondock Saints was good if I was 10-years-old and had never seen Goodfellas or Pulp Fiction before. But I'm 22 and I like both those movies, so The Boondock Saints sucks.

Plot: Two Irish brothers decide to take crime into their own hands. They clean up the streets of Boston by killing known criminals. Eventually their behavior becomes investigated and they have to fight off their enemies and the FBI.

Think about what I just wrote there for a second. The main characters in the movie, who are supposed to be good guys, decide to fight crime by killing people. Just think about that. The good guys in this movie go on killing sprees and it's supposed to be okay just because they're killing criminals. Yeah, I get it, they're vigilantes, but even in The Punisher the vigilante/hero kills criminals because his family was murdered. These dudes are doing it because they killed off some Russian mob guys in self-defense, so they decide to take on everyone else as well just.. because.

So right there the premise is defeated. Add poorly scripted ethnic dudes with unknown accents, Willem Dafoe in drag, and 110 minutes of screaming and you have a pretty shitty movie.

Wedding Crashers

All of the above movies I've listed, I really do think are shitty. However, I can't think of a movie that I hate with as much tenacity and emotion as Wedding Crashers.

Every now and then a comedy is released that is enormous that I don't think is as funny as everyone else does. For example, I thought The Hangover was funny but I didn't think it was as hilarious as the rest of the world. Wedding Crashers set a new standard though. I saw it once in my life. I didn't laugh once. I wanted everyone in the movie to die.


I despise this movie.

Why you think it's funny:
Sex jokes


Why it sucks:
It stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, the plot could have been thought up by a fucking 12-year-old

 I can't stand movies that rely only on sex jokes. Seriously, we get it, someone is trying to get laid. Hilarious. If the American Pie franchise taught us anything, its that sex jokes can get tired and tried and eventually just turn into "watch what this idiot is going to do next!" jokes. They're the lowest-common-denominator of jokes. Even dick jokes by themselves can go much further and can be way more inventive then "guy trying to get laid" jokes.


Plot: Two assholes crash wedding parties in hopes of having one-night stands. This time around though, they get sort of stuck around and these girls are CRAZY!

That's it. That's the fucking plot of the movie. Nothing else. That's it. What substance is there? Well, we get to see Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson be jerks and I'm pretty sure someone get's knocked over during a touch football game.

Wedding Crashers is everything that's wrong with comedy. It's not even so much that I hate Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, because I certainly do. But regardless of the lead roles this is the quintessential comedy for people who don't know comedy. In short -- it's basic. Nothing happens in Wedding Crashers that can't be seen in any other R-rated comedy. There's nothing ground breaking and certainly no noteworthy performances.

One of the worst things about this movie is that it introduced "stage-five clinger" into the pop-culture lexicon. As if it means anything else besides "clinger". It doesn't. If you think it does, you're a moron, and you should go get bent. God, I hate this movie.

Here Are Some Things That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

Here are some things that people do that I hate. Most of which I have not tried, I have no interest in trying, and will most likely never try. If you do any of these things, then you suck.

Driving Stick

I drive a 2001 Subaru Outback. It is forest green. I love it more than I love people in my life. Owning this car is one of the most glorious things that's ever happened to me. People love my car, and I recently had someone leave a note on it with a phone number requesting that I call them if I wish to sell it (this is true). I promptly called that person and they were very dismayed when I screamed into the phone "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE" (not true). And you know what? I never would have gotten it if it was a manual.

This is real. Envy me, shitty Civic drivers.

What you say:
"You totally have more control and a better feel. It's just more fun!"


What I hear:
"I like doing more work to make myself appear cool!"


What is the appeal of driving a stick shift car? I have never heard an opinion that even sounded vaguely reasonable.


I can't understand, in 2012, why stick shifts are still popular. We live in a society that thrives on convenience, yet people still inconvenience themselves because they like holding a goddamn joystick while they drive. And I hate that term "better feel" - what does that even mean, "better feel"? Every time I've been in a stick I felt like I was going to vomit. I don't get it. Cars are cool because they look fucking cool, not because of who drives them,  and not because of how they're driven. If cars were cool because of who drove them, than hipsters would love NASCAR not ironically.

And I've heard the line "UR JUST JELAS THAT U CANT DRIVE STIK LOL"
Yeah and I'm also jealous that I can't assemble furniture or do my own taxes. It totally has nothing to do with the fact that I just don't give a shit. Idiots.

On a side note here's a little anecdote. I was at a party a couple of years back and after flirting with this girl from Indiana all night she told me she just got a new car that was a stick shift. I told her "I don't know how to drive stick." After I told her this she was alarmed, "I don't believe in guys who don't drive stick!"

Indiana: So much to offer... really.

Yeah well I believe in me, bitch. And believe me when I say that driving stick is for rednecks and guys with small dicks.

Skiing

I decided a long time ago when my body was able to feel the exterior world that I did not like to be cold. I'm not sure when exactly I decided this but it was probably around the same time I exited the womb and was fucking freezing.

I liked being inside this thing better.

I never liked the cold. I remember being a kid and my shitty neighbors would always want to play in the sprinkler as soon as it was warm outside. I would always cringe as the cold water would hit me. I hated those times.

Anyway I decided that I hated being cold so much that I made a choice not to subject myself to cold weather... unless it was going to a school in Upstate New York.

They tortured me by putting the snack machine outside. Bastards.

What you say:
"Can't wait to hit the slopes today! Hell yeah! Hitting that powder! Woo! Words!"


What I hear:
"I like falling into cold things that might inadvertently slip between my jacket and get stuck right around my neck and be unpleasant."


I guess it's too much to ask to be comfortable most of the time and not want to fall down things.

Also who the hell in their right mind wants to look like this?

The thought of falling down a mountain into freezing cold snow and then have that snow get anywhere near me sounds great if I want to hate my life all the time. And don't say sliding. Nobody slides down a mountain. As Woody from Toy Story put it, it's "falling with style".

Woody - teaching children cynicism since 1995

Skiing blows.



Owning Guns

This title might imply that I hate guns; that is not true. Like every true American man I think guns are cool and certainly purposeful.

Teddy's gun was totally for show. He killed oxen with his bare hands on a daily basis.

What you say:
"They're trying to take my gun away!"

What I hear:
"Hmm... well yeah out of the thousands of problems that are plaguing the American people today I guess the one that matters most to me is being able to purchase a weapon that shoots projectiles for the purpose of killing."

I hate this obsession that exists about owning a gun and all the rights associated with it. I don't think there's anything less manly than a grown adult whining and complaining about how some shithead politician somewhere is "trying to take my gun away."

Thankfully not a politician anymore.

Oh they're trying to take your gun away? How about all the HOMES that were taken away in foreclosures in the last year?

I will give a gun rights activist respect the second they drop the whole Second Amendment diatribe and fight for a cause that's worth fighting for.

And as for the paranoid bullshit "WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT TAKES ALL THE GUNS AWAY AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH?" Yeah well if that's the case learn how to use a katana and fight your enemies like a real man instead of shooting from ten feet away like a coward.

 Uma Thurman - more of a man than most men.

I hate all of you.

A Memorial to Michael Peggs

I’m going to admit that I’m unable to write a traditional introduction in memorial to my friend Michael Peggs. He was far too dimensional to be described in just one paragraph.

And as there are dozens of memorable stories I could tell about him, all of which detail how smart, funny, and unique he was, I’d like to stick to just one.

It was my junior year at Cortland and I was in Rose’s apartment as usual. I’ve forgotten exactly what I was discussing with Peggs, but he started to state some facts that were from a biography about Ty Cobb.

Because I knew Peggs wasn’t the biggest fan of Major League Baseball, and because baseball history is a hobby of mine, I called him out on this.

I said, “Peggs, you don’t like baseball. What are you reading about Ty Cobb for?”

He looked at me defiantly.

He said, “Because – I like to read. I want to gain knowledge. It’s important to me.”

It was in that moment I knew that I had missed the point. Michael Peggs was one of the few people in this world who sought after knowledge regardless of the subject matter.

Ever since that conversation there was not a quality of Michael’s that I admired more than his intellect.

It was Michael’s pursuit for truth and knowledge that led to his commitment to social justice. And I can say – with full certainty – that I would not be where I am today if I had not known Michael.

It was a few years back now, in a tiny apartment in Cortland, New York that Rose Donnelly convinced me to work for advocacy because she assured me that I’d be working with my friend, Michael Peggs.

As I recognize and accept this tragic loss I just have to say, “Thank you.  Thank you for inspiring me with your wisdom. Thank you for being so funny that I still laugh out loud at your jokes.  And more than anything else thank you so much Michael Peggs, for leading me in the direction that I’m in today. Your quest for truth, knowledge, and social justice lives on in every one of us, and we will never forget you.”

Rest in peace Michael Peggs

This Valentine's Day, Things Are Different

A couple of years back I wrote a piece about Valentine’s Day and how it’s a Hallmark Holiday that subjects consumers into frivolous shopping. Nowadays my opinion couldn’t have changed more. I was bitter then and now I can see the truth; Valentine’s Day is a time to express shared, mutual, affectionate love.

STOCK PHOTO LOL!

Last time I wrote about Valentine’s Day I stated that people should buy candy for themselves instead of their significant other. Of course that’s a selfish thing to do, and trust me, if you’re in a relationship, your partner is gonna want some candy.

Yeah? Gonna go with candy on that one?

Be careful with chocolate though. You don’t want to keep feeding that person chocolate because their skin might break out and you don’t want to date someone with zits do you? You definitely don’t because then you’d be a social pariah and everyone would talk about you behind your back. They’d say things like “Oh man that fucking idiot can do so much better – their date is a goddamn FREAK!”

If your Valentine doesn’t like chocolate, that’s okay, that just means they’re a boring person- nothing really wrong with that. Except for the fact you won’t be able to share anything interesting with them because they suck so much. Maybe you should get them Mike and Ike’s.  If your Valentine’s favorite candy is Mike and Ike’s it’s a sure sign they’ll never really do anything great with their life and you should call that person’s parents and ask them politely what they did wrong to produce such a banal child. They were probably big fans of “Twin Peaks” or "The X Files” or some other dull white person show.

The original "White People Problems"

If your partner doesn’t like any candy or chocolate you have two options:

1.) Give up on them and on life in general.

2.) Take them out on a date!

Dates are a good idea because you can get to know a person well by taking them out. The best dates are the ones that are paid for completely, so this is the one instance in society where it is good to be a woman.

Dinner is always a great idea. If you’re anything like me your date will love your jokes during dinner. People always get a laugh after you take a look at the wine menu and you laugh out loud hysterically at yourself wondering how bankruptcy is going to go. When your date asks what you were laughing at just say it was you were thinking of a funny joke. When they ask what the joke was, just tell them it was a dick joke. 

This is funny.

Everyone thinks dick jokes are funny, except for German people, and that’s only because they’re smarter than everyone else and therefore don’t find things like penises and poop funny. Also they’re still getting over that whole Nazi thing so everything is “too soon” with them.

If dinner isn’t your forte, take your date out for a movie. You should never pick the movie. Let your date pick the movie. This will give you an accurate scale of how you can judge them as a person. For example: if they want to see a comedy directed by David Wain, the filmmaker behind Role Models and the cult classic Wet Hot American Summer then they’re a keeper. If they want to see a comedy starring Vince Vaughn that means they actually don’t know anything about comedy and probably have some sort of fungal infection.

Vince Vaughn should be killed.

If they’re interested in seeing anything besides a comedy, then fuck them basically.

If your date wants to go do something adventurous like skiing or mountain climbing and you oblige, you’re clearly a better person than I am. I would never put up with that shit. Who the hell wants to go skiing when you can stay home and play Street Fighter X Tekken? Oh you don’t know what “Tekken” is? Well then you can forget about us ever dating because that’s all I’m going to do when that game comes out. You could date me if you don’t mind watching me play that every day. And making me dinner. And doing my laundry. And letting me order you around… all the time.

Starting March 2012 this is the only thing that matters to me.

Happy goddamn Valentine’s Day…  I guess.