The REAL Best Christmas Movie of All Time

Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York are often cited by people as their favorite Christmas movies. I hate these movies because they're about a privileged little sociopath who causes his family an eternity of grief because he won't eat anything besides cheese pizza.

I hate the whole McAllister family actually. Just look at them:

From left to right: Curley Sue, Susan Boyle, Older Pete from Pete & Pete, Cousin It, Biff from Back to the Future (right?), Some Bald Pedophile looking dude, and a bunch of other pale mutants and Macauley Culkin... disgusting.

A bunch of upper middle class brats the McAllister family was. I hope they lost all their fortunes in the recession and are forced to live on the REAL streets of New York and South Side Chicago where they're forced to join gangs and kill each other to survive. That'd be a great movie.

Anyway... The real best Christmas movie is so clearly: Jingle All the Way

"A holiday classic for the whole family to enjoy!" - Brian Lupo

Here are at least three things that Jingle All the Way has that the Home Alone movies don't have:

1) Arnold Schwarzenegger
2) Sinbad
3) Chris Parnell (small cameo as a toy store employee)

The film stars Arnold as Howard Langston, a loving, hard-working father who searches far and wide to get his son Jamie a Turboman action figure for Christmas. This film was made pre-internet, so the likelihood of Howard being able to order the toy online wasn't as feasible. As the holiday season winds down, Howard has got to get a Turboman for Jamie - but they can't seem to be found anywhere.

While scouring the Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area for a Turboman doll, Howard comes in contact with the nefarious mailman Myron Larabee, played by the dynamic character actor...  Sinbad.

It's a true injustice that Sinbad was not recognized by the Academy for his groundbreaking performance.

Crazy antics ensue and Howard must seize the day by becoming Turboman at the Christmas parade and stop Myron from stealing the last available Turboman doll for Jamie.

Now let me ask you: Which movie would you rather see?

A Christmas movie about a pale little brat who terrorizes adults and doesn't think to call the airline that his parents are flying on to let them know he's safe?

or...

A Christmas movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger who goes to any odd to get his child the toy he deserves for Christmas.

Think about it. If you hate Macauley Culkin's pale shit eating face as much as I do, I know you'll make the right decision this holiday season.

5 Best/Worst People of 2013

As 2013 wraps up I decided to do something a little bit different than last year. Sure, there's plenty of shitty people who deserve to be on the "Worst of 2013" list. George Zimmerman, Bashar al-Assad, and Ted Cruz come to mind. But I wanted to talk about some polarizing figures who were the best in some aspects, but also the worst in others. People, who for better and for worse, shaped the outcome of what the year has been.


5.) David Ortiz

The Good: David Ortiz continued to be the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox this year by posting a heroic .688 (Six eighty eight!!!) batting average in the World Series, leading the Sox to another title, and winning the World Series MVP. During the regular season he was no slouch either, putting up a .309 average with 30 home runs and 103 RBIs. With over a decade in Boston blasting home runs and being a part of three World Series teams, it could be Ortiz who finally stripped the Red Sox of their lamented curse of missing the World Series title for 86 years.

The Bad: Ortiz did steroids just like every body else. Sure he may not have been taking them this year, but when he got caught in 2009 for failing a drug test in 2003 he kind of didn't own up to it at all. Now, I don't really care anymore that he was taking steroids, it's pretty clear every Major League all-star was on them at one point or another in the last few decades. But it sets a bad example when MLB has a vendetta against Alex Rodriguez for steroid use, the same season they give Ortiz a World Series MVP. Let's try to be a bit more objective next World Series...

4.) Jennifer Lawrence

The Good: Well where to begin. Everybody really loves Jennifer Lawrence, including myself. Beautiful, charming, funny, down-to-earth, talented, young, sprightly, etc. I can run the gamut of adjectives to describe how awesome she is. On top of that she's already won an Oscar, been nominated for two, and will probably be nominated for another for her upcoming appearance in "American Hustle"; and she's only 23. Wow.

The Bad: This isn't really any fault of her own but if you search Reddit, Twitter, Tumblr - she's pretty much the only thing anybody is talking about. She's a classic already: Men want her, and women want to be her. But in this day in age, that may not be a good thing. Because she's so down-to-earth, shes' giving a ton of false hope to aspiring actors/actresses, and dudes who think they actually have a shot with her (if you're a dude, and you think you have a shot at dating Jennifer Lawrence - you need psychiatric help immediately). All will be forgiven if Lawrence puts on a press conference and flat out says, "Girls - you'll never be like me. Guys - don't bother, it's not going to happen."

3.) President Obama

"Mehhhhh" - President Obama

The Good: Despite what pundits and Fox News alarmists have been saying - millions of more Americans will have health insurance under Obamacare. So unless you have a fervent hatred for people with low incomes, this is of course a good thing for America. On top of that Obama has stood firm on the belief that the United States needs to assist the middle class before corporate interests.

The Bad: The NSA, civilian casualties in drone strikes, the almost war with Syria. On one hand Obama is working to make social justice more accessible in America, while at the same time diminishing the rights human rights of those abroad. It's sad and disappointing that someone who campaigned on "hope" is destroying the hope of so many international citizens.

2.) Kanye West

Ah.. yeah I don't know either.

The Good: Yeezus turned out to be a fantastic album. Critics loved it, and it even received a rave review from the recently deceased Lou Reed. So here's the thing: If you didn't like Yeezus, you don't know shit. Universally praised by critics and Lou Reed, the person who influenced every album you ever bought, I'd say Yeezus puts Kanye up there with some of the greatest MCs and producers in hip-hop history.

The Bad: My biggest problem with Kanye isn't the Kimye nonense or skirt wearing or generally douche-baggery. My biggest issue is Kanye's insistence that he is a "genius." Look - I love Kanye West's music. College Dropout was the first hip-hop album that I listened to religiously. I always give Kanye the benefit of the doubt when people jump on to attack him. But it's real hard to defend arrogance.

For example, I think Matt Stone and Trey Parker (two dudes who love to dig at Kanye) are actual creative geniuses. From South Park to Team America to Book of Mormon - all their work reflects comedic brilliance. However, if they came out and said "WE ARE CREATIVE GENIUSES" - I'd be so turned off that it'd be hard for me to follow their work. And this is the case with Kanye. I love his music, but it's hard for me to be a big fan because of how much he talks himself up. True, he may be a creative musical genius. He just needs to shut the fuck about about - because nobody wants to hear it.

1.) Pope Francis

 

The Good: The newly elected Pope Francis has won Time's Person of the Year  for his commitment to the true tenets of Christianity: helping those in need, tolerance, and peace. He's gone as far as showing compassion for the LGBT community, assuring that there's a place in heaven for non-believers, and finally, and most importantly condemning trickle-down economics as hopeless for the non-wealthy. What a badass!

 

The Bad: Despite his best efforts at being Christ-like Pope Francis is still head of one of the most evil entity's of all time - The Catholic Church. While he has been supportive of practical solutions to combat sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, he still hasn't done enough.

While I support this Pope and am pleased with what he's done so far, he still needs to make up for centuries of abuse, neglect, corruption, oppression, etc.

Essentially, he won't be able to do that, but I'd like to see him try harder. Basically he'll have my stamp of approval when every living Catholic Priest child molester is rotting in jail for the rest of their sorry lives. You can start now, Pope. Good luck!

Jay-Z Is An Asshole

Earlier this week I posted a link to Facebook from the Huffington Post. The article was entitled "16 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Vegan" (however, when you get to the article it is re-titled "15 Vegan Celebrities Who've Given Up Animal Products For a Healthier Lifestyle" because the Huffington Post doesn't care about numbers or consistency).

Thank you Huffington Post. As if I didn't feel bad enough about my existence in the first place, I appreciate the reminder that celebrities have sacrificed much more than I have by not eating meat. One day I aspire to be just like Russel Brand.

Asshat.

I posted the link to my Facebook and said, "Someone needs to change this headline to '16 Smug Millionaires Whose Private Chef's Prepare Them Vegan Meals'"

I thought it was funny because all the people listed in the article are multi-millionaires and easily have access to some of the top vegan chef's in the world. So for these pompous, rich celebrities veganism isn't so much of a sacrifice as it is a curious experiment into a different diet that will help them keep weight off.

Most vegans and vegetarians would agree that most of these celebrities, save for a few, don't really give a shit about animal rights or environmental protection and are instead becoming vegan for health reasons or to make themselves look altruistic when really they could care less.

So you can imagine my pleasure/displeasure when it was announced Jay-Z is going vegan.

Yes, Jay-Z - crusader of animal rights and environmental preservation. This is the same dude who's latest album features lyrics like, "After that government cheese, we eating steak" and "Parades down Flatbush, confetti on my fur" (by the way these lyrics are from the same song).

Jay-Z pictured wearing a very practical and sensible fur hat

I don't know when veganism became the latest trend for celebrities, but it needs to end. Now, let me be clear - I don't have a problem with vegans/vegetarians. It's your body - you have the right to put into it what you want. I have a problem with two things: 1) celebrities taking up causes for their own public relations purposes 2) people being vegan/vegetarian for "health reasons"

Celebrities have often taken up causes for the sole purpose of getting public support. I don't understand what it is with celebrities and their causes. Sure, sometimes it's genuine. But when you have millions of dollars, you have to give back in some way. Or else you just look like an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, people who claim to be vegan or vegetarian and are doing it for "health" reasons are selfish idiots, losers, and cowards.

I appreciate vegans and vegetarians because I believe many of them are truly concerned about the horrors of factory farming and the environmental degradation it causes. So when I hear someone is cutting meat and dairy out of their diet for "health" reasons, I know they're just trying to make themselves look good. Most of the healthiest ranked diets contain servings of fish and lean meat like chicken, anyway. So really how healthy are these people trying to be?

Who cares? They're selfish idiots who want to add the vegan/vegetarian label to themselves so they can sound hip and cool like these dipshit celebrities.

Thousands of Jay-Z fans will be scrambling to grocery stores in the coming weeks, buying kale, tofu, soy beans, etc. They'll spend hours researching and preparing recipes that they never would have tried if Jay-Z didn't announce his breakthrough veganism. Sure, maybe it'll be good that people will be consuming less.

But do you know what Jay-Z is going to be doing? Sitting on his ass while his private chefs create vegan creations worth thousands of dollars per plate.

Ditch this bullshit. If you're going vegan, do it for the right reasons. Not for your "health" or because some celebrity is doing it. Do it because you give a shit, and if you don't, don't bother.