Here Are Some Movies That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

I truly enjoy getting people annoyed when I make fun of their interests. I think talking about movies is a great way to annoy people. Before I get into talking about these shitty movies, I'd just like to say this enry is a  different than my previous one. Unlike my last article, in which I insulted certain actions (most of which I've never tried), I've seen all these movies at least once, some of them multiple times.

The truth is, every movie I describe, I wanted to enjoy. A more accurate title for this entry should be "I Was Disappointed In These Movies" but for the sake of being a dick I'm just going to say that I hate them.

Fuck you.

The Notebook

Watching The Notebook for the first time was an experience that I'll never forget. I was  15-years-old at the time and everyone I had spoke to who had seen The Notebook could not stop talking about how moved they were by it. The reason I'll never forget watching this is because once the movie was over I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid everyone was for loving it so much.

Why you like it:
Sentimental, Love Story, American Values, True Love, etc.

Why it sucks:
Corny, Predictable, Unoriginal, Fucking lame

Okay let me clarify something real quick -- I am a sucker for romance. It's true. I love sentimental shit to the point that it's bad. For example 500 Days of Summer, Garden State, and The Breakfast Club are three of my favorite movies. But it's almost embarrassing how overly sentimental The Notebook is. This movie is so corny that it makes most soap operas blush.

Plot: This idiot wrote this chick letters every day while he was at war.  She didn't respond because her shitty rich family hid the letters and didn't want her dating Ryan Gosling because he probably shined shoes for a living or some shit. She gets married to James Marsten and it's the 1950's and one day Ryan Gosling comes back, and they kiss in the rain and everything is good until they get dementia. Then they find out they still love each other and someone throws a plate. Then they die together.

 I couldn't think of a more predictable plot. Maybe this movie would be good if it wasn't blatantly obvious that the old lady had dementia and was being told her own goddamn life story. But it was so obvious. If you didn't guess then that I feel sorry for you. You're probably one of those people who's favorite snack is low fat yogurt and you read Better Homes and Gardens. Ugh you're the worst.

2001: A Space Odyssey

Stanley Kubrick is probably the greatest director of all time. He was truly a cinematic genius who knew exactly how to visualize moments into breathtaking intensity. His films are a testament that movie-making is more than just production, it's an art.

2001: A Space Odyssey is sometimes regarded as his best-film by people who like boring movies.

Why you like it:
 Symbolic, Ominous, Aesthetics, Cinematography


Why it sucks:
Nothing happens.

Seriously, nothing happens in this movie. My film professor once tried telling me that he thought that "There's a lot going on." I then proceeded to tell him that "Yeah, but the first 20 minutes is just apes."

He had nothing to say.


Plot: There's a bunch of apes for 20 minutes (By the way there isn't anything cool about these apes. Unlike Congo where a bunch of silver-back gorillas go on a rampage, these apes are a bunch of pussies.) Then there's this block. It's supposed to mean something, but you don't know. There's a space ship with some guys and a computer that gets jealous of them and bitches and moans. Then there's a bathroom. And then there's a fetus.

Simply put this movie relies on nothing but symbolism. It's one thing for a movie to use symbolism but 2001 has a purposeless plot. Kubrick uses symbolism in all of his films but at least his others have substance. For example, Full Metal Jacket has murder and Eyes Wide Shut has tits. 2001: A Space Odyssey just has ape tits. Lame.


Lawrence of Arabia

Most people reading this blog have probably never seen Lawrence of Arabia but I can guarantee your dad has seen it. It's pretty much the most "Dad movie" ever.

Why you like it:
Ensemble Cast, Considered an epic, History value, War Movie (kind of)


Why it sucks:
It's 3 and a half hours about a guy in the desert.

This movie is supposedly a minute longer than Gone With the Wind making it the longest Best Picture Oscar winner. So basically, this movie is fucking long.


Plot: Colonial British people are in the Arab peninsula, causing trouble and making people miserable as usual. T.E. Lawrence is nicer to Arabic people than most other colonial Brits. Nothing else to say really, just... colonial.

Basically this movie is 3 hours of foreplay between British dudes and maybe a half hour of fighting. And that's being generous. Essentially this movie is an ADHD person's worst nightmare.


The Boondock Saints

Out all the movies I've listed so far, only The Boondock Saints was a complete flop when it was first released. However due to word of mouth, The Boondock Saints became a cult sensation and was able to produce a sequel.

Why people like it:
Action, Suspense, Badass Characters


Why it sucks:
Tries to be a Quentin Tarrantino/Martin Scorcese movie, Shitty acting, Boring ethnic stereotypes with terrible accents, Stupid Premise

I guess I would think The Boondock Saints was good if I was 10-years-old and had never seen Goodfellas or Pulp Fiction before. But I'm 22 and I like both those movies, so The Boondock Saints sucks.

Plot: Two Irish brothers decide to take crime into their own hands. They clean up the streets of Boston by killing known criminals. Eventually their behavior becomes investigated and they have to fight off their enemies and the FBI.

Think about what I just wrote there for a second. The main characters in the movie, who are supposed to be good guys, decide to fight crime by killing people. Just think about that. The good guys in this movie go on killing sprees and it's supposed to be okay just because they're killing criminals. Yeah, I get it, they're vigilantes, but even in The Punisher the vigilante/hero kills criminals because his family was murdered. These dudes are doing it because they killed off some Russian mob guys in self-defense, so they decide to take on everyone else as well just.. because.

So right there the premise is defeated. Add poorly scripted ethnic dudes with unknown accents, Willem Dafoe in drag, and 110 minutes of screaming and you have a pretty shitty movie.

Wedding Crashers

All of the above movies I've listed, I really do think are shitty. However, I can't think of a movie that I hate with as much tenacity and emotion as Wedding Crashers.

Every now and then a comedy is released that is enormous that I don't think is as funny as everyone else does. For example, I thought The Hangover was funny but I didn't think it was as hilarious as the rest of the world. Wedding Crashers set a new standard though. I saw it once in my life. I didn't laugh once. I wanted everyone in the movie to die.


I despise this movie.

Why you think it's funny:
Sex jokes


Why it sucks:
It stars Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, the plot could have been thought up by a fucking 12-year-old

 I can't stand movies that rely only on sex jokes. Seriously, we get it, someone is trying to get laid. Hilarious. If the American Pie franchise taught us anything, its that sex jokes can get tired and tried and eventually just turn into "watch what this idiot is going to do next!" jokes. They're the lowest-common-denominator of jokes. Even dick jokes by themselves can go much further and can be way more inventive then "guy trying to get laid" jokes.


Plot: Two assholes crash wedding parties in hopes of having one-night stands. This time around though, they get sort of stuck around and these girls are CRAZY!

That's it. That's the fucking plot of the movie. Nothing else. That's it. What substance is there? Well, we get to see Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson be jerks and I'm pretty sure someone get's knocked over during a touch football game.

Wedding Crashers is everything that's wrong with comedy. It's not even so much that I hate Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, because I certainly do. But regardless of the lead roles this is the quintessential comedy for people who don't know comedy. In short -- it's basic. Nothing happens in Wedding Crashers that can't be seen in any other R-rated comedy. There's nothing ground breaking and certainly no noteworthy performances.

One of the worst things about this movie is that it introduced "stage-five clinger" into the pop-culture lexicon. As if it means anything else besides "clinger". It doesn't. If you think it does, you're a moron, and you should go get bent. God, I hate this movie.

Here Are Some Things That You Think Are Cool (That I Hate)

Here are some things that people do that I hate. Most of which I have not tried, I have no interest in trying, and will most likely never try. If you do any of these things, then you suck.

Driving Stick

I drive a 2001 Subaru Outback. It is forest green. I love it more than I love people in my life. Owning this car is one of the most glorious things that's ever happened to me. People love my car, and I recently had someone leave a note on it with a phone number requesting that I call them if I wish to sell it (this is true). I promptly called that person and they were very dismayed when I screamed into the phone "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE" (not true). And you know what? I never would have gotten it if it was a manual.

This is real. Envy me, shitty Civic drivers.

What you say:
"You totally have more control and a better feel. It's just more fun!"


What I hear:
"I like doing more work to make myself appear cool!"


What is the appeal of driving a stick shift car? I have never heard an opinion that even sounded vaguely reasonable.


I can't understand, in 2012, why stick shifts are still popular. We live in a society that thrives on convenience, yet people still inconvenience themselves because they like holding a goddamn joystick while they drive. And I hate that term "better feel" - what does that even mean, "better feel"? Every time I've been in a stick I felt like I was going to vomit. I don't get it. Cars are cool because they look fucking cool, not because of who drives them,  and not because of how they're driven. If cars were cool because of who drove them, than hipsters would love NASCAR not ironically.

And I've heard the line "UR JUST JELAS THAT U CANT DRIVE STIK LOL"
Yeah and I'm also jealous that I can't assemble furniture or do my own taxes. It totally has nothing to do with the fact that I just don't give a shit. Idiots.

On a side note here's a little anecdote. I was at a party a couple of years back and after flirting with this girl from Indiana all night she told me she just got a new car that was a stick shift. I told her "I don't know how to drive stick." After I told her this she was alarmed, "I don't believe in guys who don't drive stick!"

Indiana: So much to offer... really.

Yeah well I believe in me, bitch. And believe me when I say that driving stick is for rednecks and guys with small dicks.

Skiing

I decided a long time ago when my body was able to feel the exterior world that I did not like to be cold. I'm not sure when exactly I decided this but it was probably around the same time I exited the womb and was fucking freezing.

I liked being inside this thing better.

I never liked the cold. I remember being a kid and my shitty neighbors would always want to play in the sprinkler as soon as it was warm outside. I would always cringe as the cold water would hit me. I hated those times.

Anyway I decided that I hated being cold so much that I made a choice not to subject myself to cold weather... unless it was going to a school in Upstate New York.

They tortured me by putting the snack machine outside. Bastards.

What you say:
"Can't wait to hit the slopes today! Hell yeah! Hitting that powder! Woo! Words!"


What I hear:
"I like falling into cold things that might inadvertently slip between my jacket and get stuck right around my neck and be unpleasant."


I guess it's too much to ask to be comfortable most of the time and not want to fall down things.

Also who the hell in their right mind wants to look like this?

The thought of falling down a mountain into freezing cold snow and then have that snow get anywhere near me sounds great if I want to hate my life all the time. And don't say sliding. Nobody slides down a mountain. As Woody from Toy Story put it, it's "falling with style".

Woody - teaching children cynicism since 1995

Skiing blows.



Owning Guns

This title might imply that I hate guns; that is not true. Like every true American man I think guns are cool and certainly purposeful.

Teddy's gun was totally for show. He killed oxen with his bare hands on a daily basis.

What you say:
"They're trying to take my gun away!"

What I hear:
"Hmm... well yeah out of the thousands of problems that are plaguing the American people today I guess the one that matters most to me is being able to purchase a weapon that shoots projectiles for the purpose of killing."

I hate this obsession that exists about owning a gun and all the rights associated with it. I don't think there's anything less manly than a grown adult whining and complaining about how some shithead politician somewhere is "trying to take my gun away."

Thankfully not a politician anymore.

Oh they're trying to take your gun away? How about all the HOMES that were taken away in foreclosures in the last year?

I will give a gun rights activist respect the second they drop the whole Second Amendment diatribe and fight for a cause that's worth fighting for.

And as for the paranoid bullshit "WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT TAKES ALL THE GUNS AWAY AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH?" Yeah well if that's the case learn how to use a katana and fight your enemies like a real man instead of shooting from ten feet away like a coward.

 Uma Thurman - more of a man than most men.

I hate all of you.