Nothing Is Original About Katy Perry

A little less than two weeks ago Katy Perry became the first artist in history to be in the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 charts for a full year. 

Sorry guys.

It was around 2008 when Katy Perry first rose to prominence, and I remember that I couldn’t help but think that’d she’d be a one-hit wonder and fall into obscurity; only later to have a reality show on VH1.

"Who Let the Dogs Back In?" Coming this fall!

Somehow Katy Perry has managed to succeed expectations using the same trick that countless pop acts have done before: not being original. Not only has Katy Perry done this through her music – her entire entity is unoriginal.

 Katy Perry was born Katheryn Hudson – and even performed as Katy Hudson on her eponymous album Katy Hudson. You’ve probably never heard of this album. It was released way back in 2001 when Katy Perry was a Christian rock singer (yes the same girl who appears in music videos wearing whipped cream bikinis was once a Christian singer), and we all know Christian rock never reaches the mainstream. 

Unless you're the worst band in the world.

Perry soon dropped the “Hudson” as she did not want to be confused with actress Kate Hudson. Smart move on Katy’s part, too bad she would wind up being confused with the infinitely more talented Zooey Deschanel.

Fuck it. Let's just call the blog, "Why Is Zooey Deschanel Doing this?"

So her name is unoriginal, as are her looks. But what about her music? 

Katy Perry’s first big hit was “I Kissed a Girl”. The song launched Perry into the spotlight for a generation of teens who never thought a girl could get away with singing about such things. Only problem: a girl got away with singing about such things over a decade ago. Jill Sobule released “I Kissed a Girl” 13 years earlier. And guess what? It’s way better.

Where Perry’s version is an anthem to wild child party girls who drink heavily and make out with their friends, Sobule’s actually discusses the taboo and intimacy of a lesbian relationship. The reason you don’t remember Sobule’s version? Well, probably because she looks like this.

Eh...  um... yeah.

This goes for all of Perry’s big hits. The Beach Boys and David Lee Roth rocked out to “California Girls” before it was “California Gurls” (because there’s a huge difference between girls and gurls).

But I think what I’ve noticed most about Perry’s unoriginality can be seen in the video for her latest single “E.T.” 

I wasn’t sure if it was just me the first time I heard “E.T.” it sounded oddly reminiscent of the faux-lesbian-Russian group t.A.T.u’s hit, “All the Things She Said” only this time with Kanye West. Turns out I wasn’t the only person who noticed.

t.A.T.u.: My "Teenage Dream".

  

I don’t believe I’ve shed enough light on this issue. In order to further prove my point, I’m going to critically break down the video for “E.T.”

         Left: Alien from "E.T." video            Right: Alien from Independence Day

 

 

 

 

Left: Red alien Katy Perry         Right: A redlion fish

                Left: White alien Katy Perry                  Right: Proto-Gaga French singer Klaus Nomi

 

Left: Kanye West                Right: Puff Daddy

 So as you can see the video for "E.T." proves that Katy Perry has made a career off of ripping people off. I mean the fucking song is named after a world renowned movie. Not only that but I think Russel Brand needs to look into Katy Perry as a concern. I'm pretty sure redlion fish are venomous.

A Review of Zooey Deschanel's New TV Show Which I Have Not Seen and Therefore Have No Right to Complain About, But Do Anyway

It’s no secret that I love singer/actress Zooey Deschanel. That’s why when I found out she was starring in an upcoming television show and that the trailer was readily available online I immediately stopped everything to watch.

It's about how she rolls around in a ball all day... or something.

The trailer of “New Girl” opens with Zooey giving an inspired little speech to an unknown audience. 

 Turns out that Zooey walked in on her significant other having an affair.

This guy? Really?

So the audience already knows that this show is complete bullshit. Someone is cheating on Zooey Deschanel? Really?  This is less believable than a show about anthropomorphic dinosaurs living in a quasi-modern society that takes place during the Triassic period. 

Wait... what?

Zooey is forced to find a new place to live; this is where the classic sitcom formula kicks into gear. Zooey has to live with – THREE DUDES! YEAH!

From left to right you have an excellent formulaic trio for primetime television: the token black guy, the handsome douche/idiot, and the rugged everyman with whom Zooey’s character will inevitably get with.

"...the fuck is Zooey Deschanel?"

The next three minutes reveal that Zooey is suffering from the post-breakup blues. It’s up to Zooey’s three male roommates to get her back into the game. Add in another female character without any explanation and the realization that when push-comes-shove her male roommates are actually charmed by Zooey and you have yourself a trailer for a show that will premiere after “Glee” in the fall.

"...why am I here?"

 A few questions:

Why are you doing this Zooey?

If there’s anything I hate to see in television and film, it’s typecasting. Dear Hollywood – Zooey is a good actress. I understand she was fantastic in 500 Days of Summer, but why have her repeat this quirky-indie-dream queen role over and over again? It’d be like if Ellen Page played a pregnant woman over and over again. Eventually she’d get sick of it, and throw up everywhere.

And then just keep eating.

How can this show be good?

The question I am asking here isn’t “Will this show be good?” I’m asking “how? How can this show be good? The whole premise of the show revolves around taking an original actress like Zooey Deschanel and throwing her into a completely unoriginal plot. It doesn’t make any sense. The creators of this show actually had the audacity to title it “New Girl”, as if there’s something new about it. Why not just name the show “Roommates” or “Opposite Sex”?

Turns out they were already taken.

 Can we just end TV right now?

This is a serious question. Why bother with TV anymore? Or at the very least can we just end TV sitcoms for the love of humanity? I can’t take it anymore. Every year it’s some new bullshit that gets worse and worse and more generic than it was yesterday. TV as we know it is dead. Steve Carrell has left “The Office” and they’ve replaced Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher on “Two and a Half Men” (it’s not like anyone watched that show for any other reason besides the hope of watching Charlie Sheen collapse on set). What has the world come to when Zooey Deschanel is starring in a show that would have normally starred Jennifer Aniston or Julia Louise-Dreyfuss?

"GODDAMMIT WOMEN!"

Zooey is a pleasure to watch. She is also a pleasure to listen to, and the trailer for “New Girl” condescendingly points out how she likes to sing, which is clearly pandering to the post-“Glee” audience. It’s this unfortunate audience tapping that drives me crazy about primetime TV. Nobody cares about substance; it’s all about ratings. 

I want to hate you so badly. I just can't.

I don't know about you, but I'm not going to take this lying down. I’ve figured out a concept for a show that will feature all of Zooey’s talents and not be terrible. Hope it works…

Classic.

Replacing Bin Laden: Finding America's Next Super-Villain

Now that Osama Bin Laden is dead, there is a pressing matter facing Americans: We need a new super-villain. 

Bin Laden was a perfect foe for the United States for many reasons. What he represented was a complete antithesis of American culture and American values. Part of these values though includes having an opponent. We had the Nazis, the Soviets, and now Islamic terrorists have gone out of style. So what’s next?

Countless tyrants have been bad guys to America before. But who will fit the bill now that Bin Laden is gone? Let’s go over some of the likely candidates.

Hedorah

If you are unfamiliar with Hedorah, that probably means you are a cool person and have been successful in sports and in attracting the opposite sex your entire life.

Hedorah is the smog monster from the Godzilla franchise. The first appearance of Hedorah came in the 1971 film Godzilla vs. Hedorah, known in the U.S. as Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster. Hedorah begins its life as a microscopic alien life form that feeds on pollution to grow. By accumulating more and more pollution it becomes enormous and threatens mankind. It is up to Godzilla to defeat Hedorah, and keep Japan the world safe again.

In the real world, pollution consistently threatens mankind. Perhaps people would be more willing to fight against pollution if we could put a face on it. This is where Hedorah comes in. By becoming the poster-boy for pollution just like Bin Laden was the poster-boy for terrorism, maybe the United States will have incentive to fight it.

Roger Goodell 

Everybody wants to see an NFL season; Roger Goodell has the power to make that happen. As commissioner of the National Football League, Goodell serves the purpose of one thing for the American people: making football happen. Basically if this idiot doesn’t resolve the current labor disputes with the NFL players, the 2011 NFL season may not happen. Everybody knows that the first thing to do to piss of Americans is take away football. 

Dipshit.

If Goodell fails to resolve this issue, he could be next Bin Laden. Maybe he won’t be a sociopathic megalomaniac mass murderer like Bin Laden, but Americans will hate him just as much.

Nickelback

Nickelback is a band that has two qualities that disgust Americans: 

1)      They’re Canadian

2)      Their music blows.

Fucking losers.

When was the last time you heard a Nickelback song and thought, “Wow this song is great, I can’t wait to hear it again?” Unless you enjoy living in a trailer park or were raised by a Midwestern white trash woman who has a tattoo of a heart with an arrow through it, than you shouldn’t be listening to Nickelback.

There aren’t very many bands that invoke as much vitriol as Nickelback. Let’s make sure nobody listens to them again by making them enemies of the United States.

Muammar Gaddafi

The leader of Libya for the last 40 years, Gaddafi has been… You know what? Fuck it. Who cares about this guy anymore? Really.

Rosie O’Donnell 

Everybody hates Rosie O’Donnell and she is the face of obesity in America. Obesity currently tops the list of health problems Americans are facing today. What better way to stop obesity than by making Rosie O’Donnell public enemy number one? Seriously, think about it.

Fat. Red. Pig.

 

Koch Brothers

The multi-billionaire Koch Brothers have been praised by some for being champions of civil liberties and free enterprise. However, they have used their corporate influence to strangle the very democracy that makes America great. By using their vast amount of money to fund political campaigns for candidates of their choice they’ve imposed their will on the American people.

Efforts to get Americans to renounce global warning and to defeat support for environmental protection? Koch Brothers.

The establishment of the Tea Party? Koch Brothers.

Essentially, these guys are the real life Lex Luthor style super-villains. 

But let’s get started on football and ruining Rosie O’Donnell’s life. Then we’ll worry about these guys.