Improving the Country During the Government Shutdown

Right now the potential for a government shutdown is at an all time high. This is due to disagreement in government between the Democrats led by President Obama and the Republicans led by some guy named Boner.

 left: President Obama right: A boner.

That’s why I’ve decided to declare myself ruler of the United States of America as His Majesty the Supreme and Humble Emperor Brian Lupo. Here are a few ways I will improve the nation.

The Constitution

The Constitution of the United States needs an upgrade. I mean, that shit is old. Real old. I did some research. Did you know that shit is over 200 years old? Crazy.

Energy Policy

In order to fight global warming all sources of energy will come from renewable and sustainable means. You know, natural things. Like how about corn and grass, or maybe even a hybrid, corn-grass?

Same-sex Marriage

The issue of gay marriage divides our nation. Some call for the recognition of same-sex marriage, while others call for the abolition of any laws that recognize it. I say let’s go one step further and abolish marriage all together. That’s right: no one is allowed to get married. All existing unions will be formally annulled and any ceremony or wedding recognizing a couple will exist for the sole purpose of mocking those who actually believe love is real.

The Media

Lopez Tonight will be removed from all networks and any recording of it will be destroyed. George Lopez will be held accountable for crimes against humanity and will receive the death penalty.

Illegal Immigration

The term “illegal aliens” gives me the creeps. I don’t know where these aliens are coming from, supposedly Mars or Jupiter. Either way I don’t want any space aliens coming into the country.

The South

The Confederate states will finally pay for their secession and their leaders will be held accountable for treason. 

Fighting the Debt

Right now the United States deficit is in the trillions. Everybody talks about it but nobody knows what to do exactly. Politicians such as Ron Paul of Texas have proposed going back to a gold standard. I propose going back even further to the barter and trade system. All paper currency will be deemed worthless. Now people can exchange goods, for example a large pizza for a bag of weed. Which brings me to my last point…

Marijuana Legalization

Weed is legalized. Everyone can smoke weed.