Always Getting What You Want: Comparing Nightmares & Ideals

Life is about one thing: always getting what you want. Even meek and peaceful folks have dreams of attaining their desires. I'm not necessarily referring to material possessions or goals, but when placed in a situation a human being will almost always desire the most convenient and pleasurable outcome. The forces of nature typically work against humans though. There's catastrophic natural disasters that are beyond our control. By catastrophic natural disaster I mean like a volcanic eruption or when you go into the one stall in the bathroom without toilet paper. Those things are terrible. Here are some situations where I will analyze what could go wrong or what could go well.

Restaurants

Nightmare Scenario: You go to a restaurant - alone. You must wait an eternity to be seated (an eternity in restaurant wait times is 38 minutes). You are seated next to these cantankerous heifers with loud children who are making indecipherable gibberish noises. You sit, alone, trying to decipher the children's gibberish only to realize they're talking about you! Yes, you. They hate you. They hate that they're sitting next to you and they're bent on making your life a living hell.

You want to move but you figure you'll get served soon enough. A server comes to your table, notices your glass isn't filled, but doesn't do anything to get you water or anything. The server quickly tells you that they're out of everything you wish to order. The moment you decide to order something - another server trips and spills scolding hot vegetarian chili... on your genitals.

The vegetarian chili also contains fiery hot peppers so not only are your genitals scorched, they're stinging with intensity. You begin screaming and crying.

The children and the loud heifer parents see you writhing in pain and immediately begin laughing at you. Then, everyone at the restaurant starts laughing at you. Pointing and laughing - making you feel small. The restaurant goers then start taking pictures on their phones of you. You become an internet meme. "Burnt Chili Genitals Guy" - You're forced to live the rest of your life hiding with Steve Bartman. You disgrace your family's name, they disown you. You also never got to eat that meal you were hungry for.

Ideal Scenario: You get seated immediately next to a table of gorgeous women whom undoubtedly will be leaving the restaurant with you. The server approaches you and apologizes profusely for not serving you sooner. As soon as you tell the server that it's all right the owner of the restaurant comes out and offers you a smorgasbord of everything they have to offer.  A full-feast of everything the world has to offer comes to your table and you are King. The gorgeous women push their table next to you and laugh at everything you say as they all agree not to eat any of your food as you must be hungrier, and deserve it more.

The owner of the restaurant assures you before you leave that you were the best costumer they've ever had. They agree to let you eat their for free - any time you want. You decline mostly because the food was sub-par and the amount of attractive women wasn't enough.

As you walk out the door, a family of cantankerous heifers and loud children on their iPhones are hit by a bus across the street. It's a great day. The women laugh and love you. You go home on a chariot made of gold. The world is yours.

Airports

Nightmare Scenario: You go and stand in line for an hour. Then - you get to stand in another line - for another hour. Following a set of six lines all leading up to what you think is an entry gate - you are sodomized by a TSA agent.

After walking away feeling violated, you go to the waiting area. You find out your plane is delayed, so you go to grab a magazine or a book. The only books available are home and gardening books. The only magazine available is Oprah's magazine. You decide to get a Cinnabon, but they got rid of that too and the only thing left to eat is raw carrots. They don't let you eat the carrots though you just get to chew and gnaw on them until you're finished. It's absolutely disgusting.

You're chewing on a disgusting raw carrot as a TSA agent watches you furiously to make sure you don't actually eat it. You then notice on the flight announcements that your flight isn't leaving for 22 months and that there's a layover in Azerbaijan even though you're only going to Florida.

You get stuck next to the fat guy to your left - and the fatter guy to your right. Your sandwiched between two hibernating bears.

The airline loses all your luggage and personal materials. You now have no identity and are a missing person in Azerbaijan. So you decide to just live there anonymously because it's not as bad as being at the airport.

Ideal Scenario: You get to cut everyone in line as the airline offers you some sort of premium deal that they only give to wealthy and famous people.

Before boarding your business class seat - you get to slap a TSA agent in the face. It's great.

You're seated next to Snoop Dogg and Kate Upton. You get to party with them. Kate Upton falls madly and deeply in love with you after getting to know you for 20 minutes. She weeps as you part ways at your destination.

And there you are, your very own paradise: Vancouver, British Colombia. A bastion of liberty and universal health care. The airline charges you nothing. You can fly with them whenever you want for free. Kate Upton proposes to you via SnapChat. You marry her and have children with her. They all have big boobs, including the boys.


Parties

Nightmare Scenario: You arrive at the party with a few friends. You start cracking open some beers, and you're ready to have a good time.

The party's quite crowded, so you shuffle around to find a good spot to hang out. As you shuffle through into a smaller room you notice out the corner of your eye the girl you're infatuated with.

She's there - her bright blue eyes filling you up inside.

You go to approach her.

The closer you get, the more your stomach fills up with butterflies.

As you go to wave out, "Hello!" -- she starts making out with her boyfriend.

...

As you turn around in complete defeat - the girl you shamefully hooked up with last weekend when you were black out drunk is right in front of you.

As you avoid that girl from last week the entire night you can't help but think what went wrong and you drown your sorrows in liquor till you black out and hook up with that girl again like a fucking idiot.

(This didn't really happen to me. Okay it did, but fuck you that was college. Goddamnit that sucked.)

Ideal Scenario: Base a party around the greatest Christmas film of all time, "Jingle All the Way" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Make sure that the film is playing in multiple rooms, on multiple screens, and is playing perpetually throughout the night. Have folks participate in a drinking game revolving the movie.

It might be good to do this around Christmas time, but really you could have this party any time of year.

There may be some people who aren't that into the movie, and just want to hang out.

Those people promptly get removed from the party - along with their associates. Nobody comes to this party without celebrating "Jingle All the Way."

I tried having a party like this last year. Some people wanted to just "drink" and "socialize."

What the hell is that? Who the hell wants to "socialize"? WE'RE HAVING A HOLIDAY VIEWING PARTY AND YOU'RE RUINING IT BY TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.

That's another thing - people who want to "make friends" as adults. If you're not satisfied with your friends by the time you've graduated college it's a sure sign that you need to join a religious cult. Those people are awesome, and they'll be your friends.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, "Jingle All the Way" - great movie. Go see it if you haven't.

Things That I Have Completely Changed My Mind About Since High School

For whatever reason I was steadfast in my beliefs and opinions in high school. As a teenager there were some key beliefs I had that I thought would always ring true. Now that I am 24, I've realized I was kind of an idiot about a lot of things. Or as my dad might say, "You're a little shit." (Just kidding, he never said that. But he probably thought it. And probably still thinks it sometimes too.)

You live and you learn. It's important to realize what changed though. I've changed my mind about some fundamental things that some adults still share and even value more than they did as adolescents. This can be problematic as I changed my beliefs on these issues for very good reasons, and I am going to explain them now.

Alcohol

"Let's make bad decisions!" - something I ACTUALLY heard people say, a lot

As a teenager...
"I can't wait till I turn 21 so I can go to bars, liquor stores, and drink any time I want!"

As an adult...
I drink much less than I did before I was 21.

I am not condemning alcohol consumption by any means as I still drink and enjoy drinking. I still go to bars regularly with my friends and I find alcohol can make social situations more fun. I drink much less for four reasons: 1) I lost a good friend to drinking and driving 2) I've seen what alcoholism/addiction can do to people and it is horrible 3) I could be a nasty dickhead if I drank too much 4) I don't like vomiting.

Losing a friend to drinking and driving made drinking so much less interesting to me, because I was actually affected first hand by someone's dreadful judgement. Not that I'd get behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated, but I almost always prefer being the person to stop someone else from doing it. In order for that to happen - I can't be too inebriated, or else I won't give as much of a shit. I've stopped a few people from drinking and driving since and I'm glad I did because I stopped people from making horrendous decisions.

Now that I'm out of college I've seen full fledged daily alcoholics in professional and personal settings. It's just so goddamn sad seeing people need alcohol to fulfill their lives. As I said before - I like drinking. But I never depended on it for happiness.

Getting to my next point - I can say there were several occasions where I filled up my cup too much and was a total jerk to people who didn't deserve it.

Alcohol in moderation is fine but sometimes when I over did it I let my inhibitions out and let out anger for really no good reason. I learned from those experiences though, and I'm glad I did. Aside from being a dickhead, I also really do not like vomiting - which I did a lot of when I drank too much.

Once you learn your limits you realize you don't need alcohol to party or to have fun - but it does well in moderation, which I'm fine with and you should be too. And if you're not okay with drinking in moderation and you need to get bezerkered hammered all the time - you have a problem! and should probably seek help immediately.

Politics

As a teenager...
"Libertarianism is what it's all about, man! Individual liberty! Freedom! YEAH!"

As an adult...
I am a supporter of a highly progressive tax on the rich and a staunch advocate for single-payer universal health care.

For those unfamiliar with the label "Libertarian" it's essentially the belief that individual liberty and freedom is the most important facet of a political system and that as an individual you should be allowed to do whatever you want - as long as it doesn't directly negatively affect anyone else.

This is all fine and dandy until you have a cursory knowledge of macroeconomics and realize that the world cannot stand on this belief as it would leave billions of people behind.

On an economic end Libertarians are supporters of unrestricted laissez-faire capitalism, which is something I could just not morally support. In that facet many Libertarians are firmly against public health care and view health care as a commodity rather than a public service - which disgusts me.

When I went to London to study abroad I got to see how universal health care works in person and I realized all the horror stories about long waiting periods and rationed health care were absolute bullshit. This is backed up by the fact that the United States -the only developed nation in the world without universal health care - is behind 36 other countries in life expectancy.

As an 18-year-old I spent three nights in the ICU for a near fatal acute heart condition. Had my family not had health insurance there were two options: 1) bankruptcy 2) death.

So as I touted the flag of Libertarianism when I was younger, I find it such an unsettling and selfish political philosophy that I distance myself from it completely. Lots of young dudes like to talk to me about the importance of the individual, but we can't look at people as just singular units. There's 7 fucking billion people on the planet - and whether your selfish ass likes it or not - we need to take care of every single one of them.

Relationships

As a teenager...
"I need to find 'the one'... ya know my SOUL MATE"

As an adult...
Ugh... just... no.

I really don't know where this belief came from but it probably had something to do with the fact that it was part of the central plot of Saving Silverman.

Not bad for a PG-13 comedy... honestly.

I saw a lot of my friends in high school in happy relationships and thought, "Why can't I have that? I want a person to be with me the rest of my life who will never leave me. I'm a big baby wahhhh."

It's not that I have a nihilistic view of love, like Zooey Deschanel's character in 500 Days of Summer, I just believe that the idea of having a "soul mate" when - like I said - there's 7 fucking billion people on the planet, is just a tad bit unreasonable.

Such a cruel, heartless bitch.

The truth is I very much believe in love, but in this day in age, people come and go. The fact that divorce rates have skyrocketed within the last century certainly hasn't helped, but people generally do not stay with the same person their entire lives anymore.

The biggest issue about this is that I wanted to find "the one" when I was like, 16. What the hell was wrong with me? Did I not realize that I would graduate high school probably without that person? Did I not think that I'd go to college, get a job, and move on with my life?

In any case I've gone through my young life meeting very attractive and often times wonderful young ladies. I used to think that because a girl liked the same bands as me that we were meant to be together (again, what the hell is wrong with me?).

What I've found is that love is awesome and a great opportunity to share yourself with someone who may very well care about you deeply. But I've determined that if you spend your life either only with one person, or sadly, chasing after one person - you will end up missing out on a lot.

The 5 Stages of Grief as Long Island Emo Bands

Probably the most important thing about growing up in Long Island during the early 2000’s is that I had the pleasure of growing up when local emo bands were enormously popular. 

Pictured: Long Island        Not Pictured: Sad White Dudes

As a middle schooler I avoided these bands like the plague because I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t metal (I was totally metal, I listened to Slipknot).

YEAH! I was cool!... Right?

But as high school approached - emotions, hormones, and the mall happened. The music from this Long Island scene became a big part of me. It may seem lame, and at this point certainly out of style, but these bands helped me get through some tough times. In fact they still do to this day.

Human beings are not well equipped to handle loss. Even if it’s just the breakup of a relationship, letting go is always difficult.  And damn, these bands were fucking great at writing about breakups. They were so good that I have their entire catalogs ripped and ready to go for whenever I have to deal with being “emo.”

But I wanted to be able to share this constructively. That is why I’ve compared these Long Island emo bands from the early 2000’s to the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. 

1)      Denial – Taking Back Sunday

“ Don’t believe me when I tell you, it’s just what anyone would do” – There’s No ‘I’ In Team

Taking Back Sunday embodies denial in many ways. Hell, even their name denies the existence of Monday as part of the week. Taking Back Sunday’s first album “Tell All Your Friends” may as well be the gospel of growing up in Long Island. It deals with teenage breakups that while on the surface seem superficial, really hurt those involve. After all you’re 14-years-old the only thing you’ve ever known in your life is that you suck at sports and girls/boys don’t like you. You have nothing to live for but to whine and complain about how things just CANNOT be this bad. But they are, and they get worse.

2)      Anger – Glassjaw

“ What causes my laughter at another’s disaster? It’s the bastard in me” – Lovebites and Razorlines

Glassjaw’s debut album “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence” may be the most vitriolic and excessive records of all time. Glassjaw’s not a band you listen to when you’re upset – they’re a band you listen to when you’re FUCKING PISSED OFF. The only type of pissed off that could be caused by a significant other betraying you. If you want to rip your ex’s head off and torch it, this is the right band for you. Glassjaw still tours today to sold out crowds mostly because there will always be people pissed off at their ex’s.

3)      Bargaining – Brand New

“It’s time for you to choose, the bullet or the chapstick” – The Shower Scene

Brand New best represents bargaining because they had the most dynamic sound out of all these groups. With influences that ranged from hardcore to indie, they went from distorted pop punk riffs to borderline goth rock.  No matter what their style, we can all agree though that their best work deals with heart ache and despair. Their music makes you ask, “What did I do wrong? What else could I have done for you? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME MISERABLE?” Pretty standard among these groups, but Brand New best represents the middle-ground of grief as they do have plenty of hopeful songs as well.

4)      Depression – From Autumn to Ashes

“You’re nothing to me” – Reflections 

From Autumn to Ashes might have well have been a straight up metalcore group if it were not for their heart wrenching lyrical content. Their magnum opus, “Short Stories With Tragic Endies” is 9 minutes of shock and awe; it’s almost difficult to get through the song without feeling like your own life is over – but then you realize the song is just about the end of a relationship, and not about the end of life. Although it seems that way at the time, you will recover. Which brings me to my next point.

5)      Acceptance – Nightmare of You

“A soaring dove – I’m quite sure this is love” – Ode to Serotonin

 

Although part of the Long Island scene, Nightmare of You had their own niche. They wrote songs about longing for love and dealing with loss, but there is more positivity to take from them then the rest of these groups. This is the group you listen to when you’re ready to move on. But in order to get to acceptance you to need to accept that things have sucked. Even though things have sucked, what have you learned? It’s okay to deny the pain at first. It’s okay to feel angry at certain aspects that went wrong. It’s okay to wonder what could have been. It’s even okay to feel miserable for a while. But love will find a way. And the best way to realize that is to curl up in your room like a teenager with your headphones on and get to your computer and write like a madman and let that inspiration flow through your fingertips. You’re not going to give up because someone left you. Love comes and goes, and people flow through your life non-stop. If you stay miserable, you’re gonna miss out on the good parts.

                                                                                                                                                            

Thanks to these groups, and others like them, I’ve been able to handle shitty romantic situations since my pre-teen years. I’ve had countless girls rip my heart out and step on it – often times stepping on it repeatedly for years (you know who you are… jerks). But what I learned from friends, family, and bands like these is that I was never the only person going through that pain. Empathy is probably the most important thing in humanity. And being able to relate to others is the best way to move forward.

Skinny Attractive Couples Have To Go

If you're anything like me - funny, awesome, talented, charming - then the thing you probably hate the most is seeing a skinny attractive person. The only thing worse than seeing an attractive skinny person, is an attractive skinny couple. Like this:

Disgusting.

Nobody wants to see that shit. Everybody is miserable. The last thing that anybody wants to see is a happy, skinny, attractive couple. It's repulsive and reprehensible. Life is hard enough as it is - the last thing we need to see is two good looking people happy together only to have it reinforced in our minds that we're not good enough because we don't look and act like them. Fuck them.

Sometimes whenever I see a skinny attractive couple (by the way, if you don't know what I'm talking about walk around New York City - specifically around NYU ugh), I want to vomit right on them and tell them I have the Ebola virus and am very ill. At that point they'll be sympathetic towards me and try to help, but I'll just continue to vomit on them. Vomit all over them so they can feel as ugly and shameful as they should.

I'm also sick of the media trying to reinforce this belief that if I'm not skinny and attractive there's something wrong with me. I've accepted a long time ago I would never be attractive and I'm all right with that. I like to eat copious amounts of cheese and sit around and do nothing. Somehow that makes me the bad person.

It's pretty clear that there is a thin privilege in our society and that needs to be broken down. This is what you can do to help:

(1) If you are a waiter or server and your guests are skinny - fatten them up!

(2) If you are a boss and your employees are skinny - fire them! They don't deserve their jobs and I'm sure someone fatter can do it better.

(3) If you are a pilot and your passengers are thin... I think you know what to do.

That about covers it. I hate skinny people.

Drake - The Downfall of Modern Entertainment/Society

I had the misfortune of hearing the song "Versace" for the first time recently. I knew I hated it immediately, but when I heard that Drake was in it confirmed everything I already knew: the world is a toilet.

Chump.

There are many reasons why Drake is a plague to humanity. It's mostly because his father is Jon Bon Jovi and his mother is Lana Del Rey.

I have a feeling Drake wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror and then realizes he's a piece of shit.

After he gets his butthole waxed by his butler he steps in some pig shit and sniffs it REAL GOOD and is just like, "I am going to make a horrific record today and mindless consumers will like it huh huh I suck so bad."

Pictured: A Piece of Shit No-Talent Garbage Idiot

Drake sucks so badly that last year when he got into a "brawl" with shameful sociopath Chris Brown - I took Chris Brown's side. That's pretty damn bad.

These are some atrocities of mankind we can blame on Drake:

● Homelessness

● Genocides

● Country Music

● AIDS

The best thing about Drake being a garbage musician/person/clown is that rapper and the real deal MC, DMX is very open about how much he hates him.

I hope one day Drake is all like "Yolo! Versace! Degrassi!" and DMX headbutts him in the chest Zinedine Zidane-style. It cracks Drake's ribs and chest and as he's writhing in pain he's just like, "what the hell was I thinking I should have never made music."

"DURP"

If you're reading this and you're like "I like Drake!" I want you to take a good hard look at your life. You probably also get excited about Michael Bay movies.  You might also listen to Skip Bayless's opinions. In other words - you're probably a toolshed.

One more thing - his face and his voice. Drake's face is stupid. That shit eating grin. I hope he gets hit in the face with a frying pan.

His voice though. What a terrible excuse for a rapper. Seriously that whiny voice. What a bitch. What a whiny bitch and shitty excuse for a musician.

Just say no to Drake.