President Obama - Making America Saferer

A Day in the Life of President Obama: December 31^st, 2011

After a whole entire year of our government doing absolutely nothing to benefit any Americans anywhere, I think it’s a good idea for me to sign into law the National Defense Authorization Act. Although this act allows the government to indefinitely detain United States citizens on American soil, it did pass the House and Senate with bipartisan support, so therefore I should support it as well.

It’s really important I sign this today, especially today. The generation who was born during 1980-1995, the same generation that will be ruling society when the Baby Boomers die, won’t really give a shit, especially on New Year’s Eve when they’re too worried about drinking themselves into a coma. When they wake up they’ll be too hung over to care that their civil liberties have been destroyed and everything between the fourth and seventh amendment in the constitution is almost completely meaningless. And hey, they’re my voting base. Gotta give my constituents what they want.

 Despite my best efforts in saying that the provision to detain citizens is unnecessary I decided to pass this law anyway. Good thing that a majority of our voting demographic is blind to the fact the American government is owned and controlled by energy companies, the military industrial complex, and the mainstream media. 

Ultimately it doesn’t matter how many freedoms I’ve taken away. It doesn’t matter that I’ve completely ignored campaign promises like revisiting the Patriot Act and closing Guantanamo Bay. I was President when Bin Laden was killed, so that means I’m doing the job that anyone whom was elected into my position should have done. 

I’m just doing what Senator McCarthy… I mean Senator McCain would do if he were president.

Sincerely,

President Obama

Best of 2011

Hey guys. It was really tough coming up with my Best of 2011 list. There was just so much great entertainment out there! But when it came down to it, I was able to make my choices. Here it goes...

Best Album : 21 - Adele

Adele really broke out with her sophomore album "21". More intimate and personal than any other record released this year. Adele tore into audiences with her soulful voice singing the harsh realities of lost love. Gotta love Adele!







Best Song : Someone Like You - Adele

So many great songs from the album "21", but when it came down it you gotta go with her second hit single "Someone Like You". Truly a song that anyone who has ever had a bad breakup can relate to, "Someone Like You" captured the hearts of millions this year and made "21" even more of a must have album. Gotta love Adele!








Best TV Drama : The Adele Show

Just when you thought she was at the top of her game, Adele stars in the hit TV drama "The Adele Show". Adele plays Adele singing Adele songs to people who want to hear them. Sometimes people tell her they like her songs too. Close call between this and Breaking Bad, but... Gotta love Adele!







Best TV Comedy : A Man, A Child, Adele

Just when you thought prime time on CBS couldn't get any funnier, "A Man, A Child, Adele" came out! Adele stars as David Spade raising a child, who inherits all of Jon Cryer's money/dignity. Best episode was definitely the one guest starring Toby Keith as George W. Bush trying to skin a llama. Gotta love Adele!




Best Movie : Adele With The Dragon Tattoo

Adele Adele Adele Adele. Adele Adele Adele, Adele Adele Adele!
Adele.... Adele Adele Adele! Also there's a sex scene. Gotta love Adele!












Best Video Game : Adele + Batman: Arkham City

I really liked this game because you could play as Batman or Adele. Adele's levels were clearly more fun though. I especially enjoyed the cut scene where Adele gets punched in the face by the Joker. I watched it over and over again and laughed my ass off each time. Gotta love Adele!










Happy New Year Adele fans the world over!

I Can't Wait To Become A Fat Bald Guy That Wears Hawaiian Shirts

I shaved my head today. It was awesome. I had been growing my hair out since September and actually wasted valuable time and money going to a barber to have it trimmed since then. But fuck that. Those days are done. For now I’m content to look Bruce Willis-esque.

Chillingly similar.

 

 

For those of you who know me personally than you know that I am balding. This condition is also known as thinning hair, receding hairline, or androgenic alopecia (male pattern baldness).  As a man I was forced to make a decision: how to wear my baldness. The shaved-head look works well for me mostly because I was blessed with a good shaped head.

Make no mistake; though I’ve chosen to shave my head, I am still a proud member of the bald community.  As Larry David has put it there is a difference between bald guys and men who shave their head. 

 “You have chosen to shave your hair – that is a look you are cultivating to be fashionable and we don’t really consider you part of the bald community.”

 

Now I’m left with another great burden: what kind of bald guy will I be? Given the options I can only choose to become an awesome fat bald guy who wears Hawaiian shirts. 

Fat bald guys who wear Hawaiian shirts are the best type of bald guys. All they do is sit around all day being fat (eating), being bald (hating their life), and wearing Hawaiian shirts (being fucking lazy). 

I can't fucking wait.

 

Being a fat bald guy who wears Hawaiian shirts is so much better than being one of these types of bald guys…

Skinny Bald Guys – Cyclists and Child Molesters

Ew.

A wise man once said, “Cars hate pedestrians. Pedestrians hate cars. Everyone hates cyclists.” 

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against bicycles, or people who like to ride bikes. In fact Pee-Wee Herman’s bike is probably the coolest thing since tits. 

Strangely awesome.

But every time I’m driving and a cyclist is in front of me I have a sudden urge to side swipe them and scream “HEY ASSHOLE GET OUT OF THE ROAD AND ONTO THE SIDEWALK”. Then I think about being in Amsterdam and how annoying it was that cyclists took up EVERY inch of the sidewalk there. So in essence the only place fit for cyclists is Hell… with the people that they look like (child molesters).

 

Fit Bald Guys – Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel is a douche bag. That’s all really. Nothing else to say.

 

Regular-Sized Bald Guys – Mythbusters and Stay-at-home Dads

Super cool people, really

Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Mythbuster or a stay-at-home Dad, but I couldn’t bring myself to be either. First off, I don’t do well with physics, algebra, simple math, or even counting, so being a Mythbuster would be tough. Although that chick on the show is hot.

I better get some nerd bonus points for posting this.

Being a Stay-at-home Dad takes responsibility. Being able to spend quality time with your child is something that is sorely missed in this generation. It’s actually quite a manly job when you think about it. You gotta do what’s necessary to make sure your family is stable. I’m really not sure where I’m going with this one. All I know is it’s something I don’t want to be.

Those are really the only options I have. Now all I gotta do is gain weight, lose hair, and buy Hawaiian shirts. It’s going to be amazing.