So now I present to you the First Annual "Best Results In A Non-Documentary Story" Awards or the Brian's!
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| Haha! That's me, terrfic! |
The winner is: Beasts of the Southern Wild
I assumed this movie was about alligators in Louisiana. Turns out it kind of is, but is more about some lame kid who gets lost. Or something. Who gives a shit.
Runner-up: Amour
This movie is of course about "Armour" because that's how they say/spell "Armor" in Britain. Only the "m" and the "r" are reversed. It's French or something.
Best Shithead to Actually Get Nominated For An Oscar
The winner is: Ben Affleck, Argo
Ben Affleck finally did it. He finally resurrected his career. Good for him. But I won't let the world forget "Gigli".
Runner-up: Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Aside from being man-loved by Michael Ian Black in Wet Hot American Summer, Bradley Cooper has kind of all seemed like a total douche-bag on screen. It sucks he was good in this.
Best Superhero Flick
The winner is: The Dark Knight Rises
Dear Christopher Nolan: please do not be a George Lucas. You are the one fantasy director not to totally screw up an entire trilogy. Don't blow it.
Runner-up: The Avengers
I really just love Mark Ruffalo.
Best Comedy
The winner is: Sleepwalk With Me
Mike Birbiglia turned his one man show into an honest, original film about his struggle with sleep disorders.
Runner-up: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2
The fact that you can even name a movie "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2" is comical to me.
Best Oscar Snub
The winner is: Leonardo DiCaprio as Calvin Candie, Django Unchained
Sure he was a pretty boy in Titanic, but Leo actually deserved an Oscar for this one.
Runner-up: The Master
You gotta love a movie that's secretly about Scientology.
Best Action Flick
The winner is: Skyfall
Runner-up: Looper
With a nicely crafted original script, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis surprisingly make a great duo.
Best Actor Who Didn't Make Any List Besides This But Fuck You, Who Cares?
The winner is: Tom Hardy as Bane, The Dark Knight Rises
You know The Joker is legendary, but I will make sure no one ever forgets that Bane was the only Batman villain to ever really have Gotham City by the balls. It was a great overall portrayal by Tom Hardy.
Runner-up: Samuel L. Jackson as Stephen, Django Unchained
Without a doubt this movie had some unlikable villains. But I don't think Jackson got enough credit as the unscrupulous sidekick to Leonardo DiCaprio's Calvin Candie.
Best Actress Who's Actually Really Talented But Also Incredibly Good-looking In Scantly Clad Leather Suits
The winner: Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle, The Dark Knight Rises
I have a new found love for Catwoman.
Runner-up: Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, The Avengers
Scarlett Johansson makes me feel like a 14-year-old boy again. I'm not worthy.
Best Director To Not Get Nominated For a "Best Director" Oscar Again (Which Is Total Fucking Bullshit)
The winner: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained
How does this man not have a Best Director Oscar yet? Madness.
Runner-up: Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight Rises
Unfortunately the Academy is far too bourgeoisie to ever nominate a super hero movie for anything.
The "I Promise You Will Like This Movie, It Was My Favorite All Year" Award
The winner: Lincoln
The most talented actor of all time playing the greatest American president of all time? Doesn't get much better.
Runner-up: Skyfall
I never thought I'd like a Bond movie this much. But it really was that good.
That about covers it. If you aren't happy with my list that probably means you don't like Batman, Quentin Tarantino or Abraham Lincoln. In which case you must be a communist.
Over and out.
-Brian Lupo
