The 5 Shittiest Hip-Hop Songs About Weed

It’s no secret that hip-hop and weed go together as well as chocolate and peanut butter (how good does that sound right now?). However, sometimes these efforts don’t work out as planned. Maybe the MC on the mic is too stoned, or maybe the producer got high and was well… lazy. Either way I present to you some of these follies, in order of most tolerable to most terrible. 

5. Nice &Smooth – Blunts

The group Nice & Smooth had small success in the early 90’s. They’re best known for their single “Sometimes I Rhyme Slow…” which featured the guitar hook from Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”. The group even recorded songs with rap heavyweights such as Gang Starr and even Tupac Shakur.

The title of the song “Blunts” is blunt (har har). The song asks the question “How many blunts does my lighter light?” over… and over… and over again. There is more to this song than just the un-catchy and stupid chorus. Just two more things really – two verses. Two poorly written versus.

The first verse goes on describing the places where the MC likes to go to smoke blunts, such as New York, Atlanta, and Los Angeles. Very exotic.

The second verse improves on the lyrical content of the first, but not by much. In fact there is a line that really sticks out, “Smooth B with the Philly/ Yo G roll another one cause I’m feeling big willy”

Feeling big willy? What the fuck does that even mean?

4. Bizarre – Gospel Weed Song

Bizarre is best known as the obligatory obese rapper from the group D12, but he has also recorded several solo albums. If The Notorious B.I.G., Big Pun, and a handful of other fat rappers taught us anything, it’s that the fatter you are, the nicer you rhyme.

This unfortunately, isn’t always the case. 

Bizarre may not be awful, but his “Gospel Weed Song” certainly is.

There are plenty of things that are complementary to marijuana. Things such as BBQ flavor Frito’s twists and those totally trippy Discovery Channel documentaries with the time lapse photography of plants and animals. Unfortunately church does not go well with weed, making this song inherently stupid.

Bizarre belongs to a small demographic who is willing to state: “This rappin’ is a full time job/All I want is to smoke weed and praise God”

Jesus help you Bizarre.

3. Twiztid ft. Layzie Bone of Bone Thugs N Harmony – Hydro

Twiztid are best known as one of the bands signed under Insane Clown Posse’s Psychopathic Records.

If you aren’t familiar with Twiztid it’s probably because you don’t spend as much time studying Insane Clown Posse and juggalos as much as I do (which is certainly a good thing).

Aside from the heinous whiteboy rhyme spittin’ that Twiztid thrives off of, the production of this song is equally lame. The instrumentals sound like a mixture of a toddler strumming a sitar and an out-of-water sea lion banging its nose on an electric drum.

This pseudo-ballad to hydroponic marijuana only gets worse when Layzie Bone of Bone Thugs N Harmony rhymes on the track.

If you wanna know what a group of white trash idiots who have been up all night smoking weed and inhaling nitrous in a tent during the summer with one black guy sounds like when they rock out, listen to “Hydro”.

 2. Master P – Smoking Weed In My Cadillac

The origins of this song are disputed, but many believe it was off the original release of Tru 2 da Game by the hip-hop group Tru featuring Master P. Either way most would agree this album was released in 1997, which is tragic year for hip-hop considering the death of Biggie and the release of this song.

Say what you want about Master P, but there was a time when Master P was one of the biggest rap moguls in the game. Now he is best and most unfortunately known as the father of Lil’ Romeo. How’s that for street cred? (His real name is also Percy by the way)

Why does this song suck? Simply because the title says it all: it’s just about how Master P likes to get high in his Cadillac.

Surprisingly this song is five minutes overwhelming minutes long. That means that Master P must have used his entire knowledge of the English language to come up with more ways to say “weed”, “green”, “car windows”, and “Cadillac”. 

Master P – also master of the English language.

1. Fieldy’s Dreams – Are You Talking To Me?

There was a time when the genres of rock and hip-hop began to converge. This sounds like a good idea on paper, but Rage Against the Machine pretty much put the competition to shame.

However, there were some ambitions within the rap metal sub genre that were so baffling, so meaningless, so stupid, they are hard to overlook. Meet Fieldy’s Dreams.

Fieldy is the bass player of Korn. Can Fieldy rap? You decide.

In presumably the only song anyone’s ever heard by this guy he raps about the thing he loves most – marijuana. 

I’m not going to say much else about how this guy looks and sounds like a Marvel Comics villain, nor will I discuss his stupid hair. I’ll just leave you with these brilliant lyrics: “Any time, any place, I'll smoke a toke/ In your face, till I croak, ain't no joke”

Happy 4/20 stoners.

Why High School Is Better Than College

In a little over a month from now I will be attending the commencement ceremony for graduation – the completion of my bachelor’s degree at college. Many others have been through this road before, and many others are going through it now. Now that it is almost complete I can’t help but compare my college experience to my high school experience, and aside from academics, I can’t help but think one thing: high school was better than college.

Here are some reasons why…

Friends

Not these shitheads, I mean real friends.

I’ve probably met a third more people during college than I did in high school. Does meeting more people mean I made more friends? Not at all. 

My point here is through my experience, I’m trying to debunk the popular myth that high school is more segregated “clique-y” than college. Cause that ain’t the case.

High schools are almost always going to be smaller than colleges so when you’re around the same group of people for four years, weaving in and out of classes together within the same hallway, chances are you get to know them better. I liked this. I couldn’t count on both my hands how many people I talked to almost every day. I know I’m coming off as sounding like I was “popular” but I noticed every group whether it was the jocks, or the nerds, or the weirdos or whomever had centralized friends of at least 10 people but also talked to people from various groups.

This isn’t the same in college. After living in the dorms freshman year, most people either join a frat or a sorority, a club or sport, or live in a suite. These people become the only people they go out with and talk to. They live in their little microcosm and venture off only rarely. Not that this is terrible, but it’s typical to society; people find their niche. I did as well, so all is fair.

Sure I still see people who I talked to often freshman year while I’m walking through campus. Should I feel like an asshole if I don’t say “what’s up?” as I walk past? Why should I? What the hell am I going to say to them, “Oh we haven’t talked in a real long time and this is awkward but hope you have a good day!” I’ll save that conversation for when I see them at the bars…

Partying

Party, Party Party

People always talk about college partying like it’s the end all and be all of partying in an average person’s lifespan. Unless you’re a rockstar, maniac, or Charlie Sheen you can never get away with partying hard as an adult. And sure college parties are crazy, and do get out of control. They can also be a lot of fun and great experiences. I still never had as much fun at a party in college as I did in high school.

There’s a reason for this: partying in college is expected, partying in high school is forbidden. 

There’s something about being rebellious as a teenager. There are countless movies and books written about it, but the only way to actually know how it feels is to live it. And although I wasn’t some demon child whose sole purpose was to squander all the moral lessons my parents taught me, I still did things I wasn’t allowed to do because breaking the rules was fun. 

Four years ago, if I went out to drink I’d have to do it either while someone’s parents weren’t home, or in a park or a sump. Do you know what a sump is? It’s a low space that collects run-off water. It’s dirty and disgusting and I’d have to walk through the woods to get there. But you know what? At seventeen, it was fucking awesome.

I’m 21-years-old right now. If I don’t go out to drink it’s seen as strange. Now when I go out to a drinking establishment such as a bar I’m tortured by shitty music, shitty people, and overpriced beer. The perks of getting older…

Happiness 

Happy... So So Happy

No matter how old you get, or what you’ve been through in your life, the feeling of true happiness is always the same. The opening of presents on Christmas morning, the first time you hear that record you know will change your life, and the embrace of someone you love. All these things bring that shiver up and down your spine and all over your body till every hair on your arms stands up.

Happiness doesn’t change, but ideals change. The older I get the more innocence I lose, and the less idealistic I am. And you know what made me happy? My brash idealism that existed in my teen years.

Nobody could say anything to me. I was going to do what I wanted to do with my life, and whatever consequence that arose from what I did was meant to be. 

But each year that goes by I wish I had done things differently. Maybe it’s because I’m graduating college without any real plan, so I look back and think of the “what ifs?” 

What if I had gotten better grades in high school?

What if I didn’t have these loans to pay off?

What if I had ended up with her? Or HER? Or maybe even HER?

And then I stop thinking because I know thinking of these things will do me no good.

If I had that idealism I had in high school, I wouldn’t give a shit right now. Unfortunately I’ve grown up which means I’ve replaced my brash idealism with a hopeful realistic viewpoint. And here it goes:

   

1)      I’m going to maintain healthy friendships with the most positive people in my life.

2)      I’m going to party when I want to, how I want to, and where I want to.

3)      I’m in control of my happiness and no matter what happens, I’ll be able to handle it.

I guess I’m done for now. If you read all this, thank you – and don’t worry next week will be more bullshit jokes, I promise.

Improving the Country During the Government Shutdown

Right now the potential for a government shutdown is at an all time high. This is due to disagreement in government between the Democrats led by President Obama and the Republicans led by some guy named Boner.

 left: President Obama right: A boner.

That’s why I’ve decided to declare myself ruler of the United States of America as His Majesty the Supreme and Humble Emperor Brian Lupo. Here are a few ways I will improve the nation.

The Constitution

The Constitution of the United States needs an upgrade. I mean, that shit is old. Real old. I did some research. Did you know that shit is over 200 years old? Crazy.

Energy Policy

In order to fight global warming all sources of energy will come from renewable and sustainable means. You know, natural things. Like how about corn and grass, or maybe even a hybrid, corn-grass?

Same-sex Marriage

The issue of gay marriage divides our nation. Some call for the recognition of same-sex marriage, while others call for the abolition of any laws that recognize it. I say let’s go one step further and abolish marriage all together. That’s right: no one is allowed to get married. All existing unions will be formally annulled and any ceremony or wedding recognizing a couple will exist for the sole purpose of mocking those who actually believe love is real.

The Media

Lopez Tonight will be removed from all networks and any recording of it will be destroyed. George Lopez will be held accountable for crimes against humanity and will receive the death penalty.

Illegal Immigration

The term “illegal aliens” gives me the creeps. I don’t know where these aliens are coming from, supposedly Mars or Jupiter. Either way I don’t want any space aliens coming into the country.

The South

The Confederate states will finally pay for their secession and their leaders will be held accountable for treason. 

Fighting the Debt

Right now the United States deficit is in the trillions. Everybody talks about it but nobody knows what to do exactly. Politicians such as Ron Paul of Texas have proposed going back to a gold standard. I propose going back even further to the barter and trade system. All paper currency will be deemed worthless. Now people can exchange goods, for example a large pizza for a bag of weed. Which brings me to my last point…

Marijuana Legalization

Weed is legalized. Everyone can smoke weed.