Skinny Attractive Couples Have To Go

If you're anything like me - funny, awesome, talented, charming - then the thing you probably hate the most is seeing a skinny attractive person. The only thing worse than seeing an attractive skinny person, is an attractive skinny couple. Like this:

Disgusting.

Nobody wants to see that shit. Everybody is miserable. The last thing that anybody wants to see is a happy, skinny, attractive couple. It's repulsive and reprehensible. Life is hard enough as it is - the last thing we need to see is two good looking people happy together only to have it reinforced in our minds that we're not good enough because we don't look and act like them. Fuck them.

Sometimes whenever I see a skinny attractive couple (by the way, if you don't know what I'm talking about walk around New York City - specifically around NYU ugh), I want to vomit right on them and tell them I have the Ebola virus and am very ill. At that point they'll be sympathetic towards me and try to help, but I'll just continue to vomit on them. Vomit all over them so they can feel as ugly and shameful as they should.

I'm also sick of the media trying to reinforce this belief that if I'm not skinny and attractive there's something wrong with me. I've accepted a long time ago I would never be attractive and I'm all right with that. I like to eat copious amounts of cheese and sit around and do nothing. Somehow that makes me the bad person.

It's pretty clear that there is a thin privilege in our society and that needs to be broken down. This is what you can do to help:

(1) If you are a waiter or server and your guests are skinny - fatten them up!

(2) If you are a boss and your employees are skinny - fire them! They don't deserve their jobs and I'm sure someone fatter can do it better.

(3) If you are a pilot and your passengers are thin... I think you know what to do.

That about covers it. I hate skinny people.