New TV Show: The Queen of Queens!

Hey everyone aren't you bored of stupid TV shows that aren't good at all? Why don't you check out this new show about my co-worker Jaqi Cohen. It's called the Queen of Queens!

Everybody Loves Raymond was already taken.

Queen of Queens is a sitcom about the lovable and quirky Jaqi Cohen, recent graduate of UAlbany Princeton University!

Jaqi is a scholar and has many hobbies. Some of these include crocheting, sewing, basket making, picture taking, drawing, painting, cooking, swimming, solitaire, calendar design, luging, teaching apes how to speak, surfing, candle making, mixing chemicals and photography.

Jaqi's goal: make friends with every person she's ever seen. That's why she's the Queen!

After moving to Queens, Jaqi gets a taste of New York City living. She spends her day working for advocacy at Queens College Hilary Clinton and her evenings eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and shopping online out on the town!

Jaqi shares an apartment with her best friend and roommate Heather, who went to is from France.

Oui oui!

As a young independent woman, there isn't anything Jaqi can't do! But she does have some trouble looking for love!

Jaqi falls for the debonair Roger McHandsome played by Ryan Gosling.

But Jaqi hardly has time to enjoy her life as her austere and stern boss Mr. Bonilla is always getting in the way making her file copies and actually do her job! Sometimes he'll even make snarky remarks like "Deal with it" when she complains! Yikes!

OH NO NOT MR. BONILLA!!!

 Additionally for full comic relief they added this loser to the show. His name is Brian. He's definitely everyone's least favorite character and he's most likely removed after Season 1.

He's the worst and unfunny.

Life in Queens can be pretty rough and New Girl sure is a shitty show! So why not tune into NBC and watch this fake show I just made up. It's gonna be a great time!

TV Sucks

Look at that picture above. That is a picture of actress Elisha Cuthbert, as Kim Bauer on the primetime series 24. I have no idea who Kim Bauer is, I have never seen an episode of 24, but all I know is I hate her stupid face.

This puts me at odds with my own actual beliefs because typically I'd see a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and as a heterosexual male I'd get excited. But not this picture. Because she's on TV. With that stupid fucking face.

Anyway, I digress. My point is: TV sucks.

Turn it off.

I know what you're thinking, "Yeah you're right, there's so much dumb shit on television. Like MTV and stuff."

No. I'm not just talking about mindless banality like MTV. I get that MTV is meant for the lower-tier of anti-intellects who shoot tires and smoke meth for a living. I'm talking about prime time network shows especially.
 

Nothing good ever came from this.

I've never had any interest in prime time television. Everyone I knew was into one show or an other and I tried my very best to get into things but I just couldn't. For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me. But after spending the last 5 years of my life only watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park I realized that there's nothing wrong with me -- there's something wrong with all of you.

So here are list of some types of TV shows and why they suck:


Crime Dramas

Examples: CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, etc.

Unrealistic portrayals of crime and punishment with marginally original characters almost always staring actors who are in the twilight of their careers. In other words, WORTHLESS.


Highbrow NBC Comedies

Nothin' But Crap haha! Ahh.. I'm the worst...

Examples: Community, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreation

I actually really like The Office and Parks and Recreation, but for the sake of being an asshole I'm gonna lump them in with Community and 30 Rock.

The problem with these shows is that they're one big inside joke for white people to get excited about.
Fans of the show Community will often say something like this:


"Oh did you see Community last night? Yeah they had that one B-list actor make a cameo and they had a reference to something nerdy and NOBODY joked about farting or sex! Hah! I love REFERENCES!"

Community and 30 Rock are shows designed for the children of parents who loved  Frasier and Cheers. It's time to get off your high horse white people. Please.


Lowbrow CBS Comedies

Crap but STYLISH ... wow I really am THE WORST.

Examples: The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, every show that has been on CBS ever

You know when all that shit was going down with Charlie Sheen a year ago, I could not believe how many people really truly loved Two and a Half Men. It's amazing to me how the brain dead portion of America watches primetime on CBS and then at late night has to flip over to NBC to catch Leno. Why don't they just make a channel for all these stupid shows? It could be called the Stupid Neanderthal Network.

During the day SNN would have great shows about who's car is cooler based on who can drive it faster and cooking shows with Paul Deen. At late night it would have shows with washed-up unfunny comedians like Rob Schneider. Then at night The Tonight Show with Jay Leno would be on for six fucking hours.


Critically Acclaimed Dramas

Examples: Anything on AMC or HBO

People always tell me, "Oh you'd love this show!"

Probably not. First of all, if a TV show is an hour in length, it's automatically bad. I don't have time for that shit. I don't care enough to watch characters once a week for an hour and follow their every move.

Here's a great example: The Walking Dead

I've seen almost every episode and you know what would improve this show ten-fold? If it was a half hour long. Nobody gives a shit about the kid so that's 20-minutes of each episode you could lose right there. Cut the foreplay and dramatic elements that each character is going through and that's another 10-minutes. Then boom, you have a half-hour show about people killing zombies. That's all that real fans want to see anyway.

I've tried. I really have, but after about the third episode of every series I start watching, I stop caring. Shows that are an hour in length bore me. I don't give a shit about character development, I don't give a shit plot twists. I don't get impressed by those things. I want to laugh or cry and watch another show after 22 minutes. Is that too much to ask for?


I hate everything.